Axel

I had to put my dog down. 💔 This was not an easy decision. It's been over a year in the making & painful. He's been aggressive & anxious since my twins came home last December.

This is my gorgeous Axel boy. I rescued him & his sister, Dazy, when they were just itty bitty little 6-8wk old puppies about 5 years ago. I had 3 boys at the time, the youngest was 10, & I was having baby fever but "knew" I'd never have another baby, so we decided to get A puppy. Two boys were insistent on Dazy being their dog, & I had said that since there were 3 boys, it was majority rule - but then I had to have my Axel too. 

Just like that I had my first set of twins. 

This dog has been my guy.  

He's gotten me through so much. He's rested his head on my shoulder & let me cry into his fur. He's licked those tears away & slept besides me at night so I wouldn't be alone. We would walk/jog/run 3 miles almost every day. He would watch me leave for work through the window every morning, & run to greet me when I arrived home. Always stealing a shoe, as if that meant the shoe owner wouldn't be leaving again anytime soon. No matter what room I was in the 2 dogs would follow me. Axel would even when the boys & Sean were around. Axel was always there. Then things changed. I got pregnant, totally planned, totally wanted , & such a process!  

I was so tired & sick & weak & itchy through the pregnancy I couldn't walk anymore, much less run. I felt bad, terrible actually, & I tried my hardest to play in the yard with the dogs whenever I could. It was hard though, & I know they suffered. But Axel didn't care - he still loved me, & would cozy up to snuggle any chance he could.  I did my best. At least I hope I did.

Axel is big & strong & oh, so protective. Have I mentioned his eyes - beautiful brown, so soulful & trusting. 

I imagined my Axel, loving on the babies in my tummy, & protecting them the same way he did me. I saw them playing in the yard together & snuggling up to nap. All those adorable baby & dog photos I could personally take! Even cuter with twins! I couldn't wait!   We moved into our bigger house right before the twins were born. Both dogs would sometimes come while we worked on the new house, even so, maybe we should've waited. Maybe two big changes were to much. It doesn't matter anymore though - this is where we are today.  

Two babies - they take up A LOT of time. I didn't/don't have any for myself, so unfortunately none to walk or play with my dogs very often. I hate this, as much as I hate excuses. I literally have nothing else to give, so I have to let this guilt go. I tried. I really did. Walking 2 excited dogs while pushing a double stroller is not easy. I couldn't do it. I can't do it. Not that this single act alone could change anything, but I wish. It doesn't make it hurt any less. I feel like I failed him. The safety of my babies must come first & that is what I have to focus on. 

This is THE last resort, completely sucks, & I would do anything except jeopardize human safety to keep this from happening. Axel has bitten 2 children, badly, & jumped at a couple others. He has been put an anti-anxiety meds, which only turned him into a sleepy zombie. I have talked to vets & trainers & rescues. They said that even after behavior therapy/training, unless Axel is put in a situation with a child, basically testing his reactions, there is no way to know if he is "cured".  Since we have no idea what the trigger could be, there is no way to be 100% sure we can prevent it from happening again. With the twins moving around, & countless children & teens always around the situation is unsafe. I have tried finding him a new home. I've posted ads, spoken with friends, & been in touch with dog rescuers too. I have to be honest about the situation, it would not be right not to be. Bottom-line: once a dog has bitten no one wants to help, or they may want to, but it's to risky, so they don't.

So I sit here while the baby girls nap, with my sweet Axel resting his big fat head on my leg, tears on my face, remembering how he is the best, sweetest, most stupid "asshole" I ever had the pleasure of having in my life & contemplating how this can be my only option, yet it feels so wrong.

Axel, my guy -  there will never be another. ❤💔  

  

Where the Light Enters You

Written by Theresa Maria Eugenia Lang-Bruno (6/3/2018, update 9/23/2018)

The wound is the place where the light enters you. - Rumi

About 6 years ago I went through a painful awakening. I had lost one of my very best friends. In turn I was lost. I couldn’t be myself. I couldn’t function. My sweet little boys comforted me as best they could, but my husband seemed to vanish. He worked earlier AND later – I scared him. He didn’t know how to help me, he didn’t recognize me, so instead he avoided me. As one can imagine, that made it worse. As this was happening, I felt abandoned. My loss of one best friend, became the loss of two. Unfortunately, these terrible years were a necessary part of my awakening.

Looking back, I am grateful for these years. Seeds get planted in the dark, cold dirt, only to bloom – magnificent; coal becomes a diamond due to great pressure – sparkling. I became who I was meant to be through my own core struggles. I had lessons to learn, it wasn’t until I acknowledged that this was a teacher, that I was able to be free of the pain and loss. You see, it was when I learned to internalize and accept the pain instead of blaming an outside source and denying it that changes to began to happen. It was when I realized that I was the master of my fate. No one else had the power to control me. I couldn’t base who, or how I was as a person on what anyone else did  or didn’t do to, or for me. I had to be ME. I had to let things go that didn’t matter and focus on what did matter. I had to find joy in my daily life and “kill” each negative thought with AT LEAST 3 positives. I’m not going to lie – it wasn’t easy – BUT I was capable. It wasn’t just me that deserved this wonderful, beautiful life, my sweet boys deserved it too.

So one night I broke. I let myself feel it all, holding back nothing – the pain, the abandonment, soul-sucking and terrible, but beautifully glorious and then I ROSE UP. Better. Prouder. More. I became who I was meant to be all along. The ironic truth of it all, I couldn’t have gotten here without the losses.

I awoke the next morning free. Free of the baggage. Free of constant gloom. Twinges would shake me occasionally, but I now have the knowledge to overcome them. To make them fade and disappear, because negativity has no place near me. I am a source of strength, there will be no more weakness. When I was able to release all that harmful, damaging energy, I was able to view things through different eyes and focus on being the best I could be. Life-changing.

The above is relevant, because without it, I wouldn’t have been open to what came next. The wound was necessary. I share this because others need to know there is always hope, even when it seems like “the end” – it is not.

Fast-forward a couple years. I am in one of the best places I have ever been in. My husband came back to me – or rather, we came back to each other. We found a better love than we ever had. My boys are amazing and so good and kind. We’re almost done building our dream home – projecting my very dreams into a shared reality. Mind you, it’s not perfect. It’s not just mine, and I am more than happy to share it.

In December a friend of mine gave me a book. She had been at a bookstore, this book was on the wrong shelf, for some reason she was drawn to it, and knew it was meant for me. Her note told me to open to a certain page. It was an “ah-ha” moment. The reassurance that I was meant to move forward. That I was ready.

In January we meet with a fertility clinic to discuss options available to add to our family, many know that we made a “permanent” decision after our youngest son, that there would be no more. (Yes, that’s the kind of amazing love story I’m talking about.) Long story short, we started the process in March. (I’m not going to go into many details here, though I have no secrets so I’m happy to discuss in more detail with anyone interested.)  In early April I had a dream that we would receive a positive pregnancy test on my birthday (5/16), but I woke up knowing that was unlikely with everything I would have to do to prepare. The next morning, I spoke with my Dr on the phone. She gave me the details and then said, if all goes well we’ll expect to see a positive test right around 5/16. I got off the phone in a slight shock.

A single embryo transfer was done 5/2. An approximate 30% chance that this sweet little “potential” would implant. Nerve-wracking. The next day I had the most shattering headache I have ever had, with mild cramping. I knew without a doubt that this was implantation. Our 30% chance was becoming a reality. Based on that, the estimated due date would be 1/17 – Our 21-year anniversary. As I expected, we received a positive pregnancy test, with high viable numbers on my birthday. An ultrasound was scheduled for June 1^st, approximately 7 weeks along. Okay – so here I am a newly pregnant mom, every negative pregnancy story is popping up. No real symptoms besides pure exhaustion. I have a sore shoulder. I’m thinking – prepare for the worst.

The night before the appointment I have another dream.  In it this beautiful, strong, healthy girl appears, she looks right at me, crazy familiarity, and says loudly “Stop worrying, Mama! I’m staying!”. From behind her comes a second child, smaller, but still healthy, and this child yells “WE’RE staying!”. I woke up with goosebumps. The fear, disappeared, but despite how intuitive my dreams often are, I never once thought “we’re having twins”. Maybe that’s part of the lesson I’m supposed to be learning now. Trust yourself, Theresa. All the answers are there just waiting for the right question.

Anyways, I’m the type of person that visualizes the worst and the best with everything. It’s how I cope. It’s who I am. I put the dream out of my mind, didn’t even think of it again or mention it to my husband. We nervously head for our appointment. I’m feeling fine. The Dr gets me all set up for the scan, starts the procedure AND – “Um, hold on a second, it looks like there’s a surprise in here…”  Zooms out a little, there on the screen – TWO little ones, TWO hearts beating spectacularly. All I could do was laugh incredulously. I look at my husband – his eyes bulging out, deep breathing. We were not expecting this. We were not expecting this – but what a miracle! We’re in the approximately 2% of 1 embryo transfers that split! Wow! May the odds be ever in our favour. 😉

The Dr tells us that based on a 40wk pregnancy my estimated due date is 1/18, BUT twins are usually delivered around week 37. Immediately the conversation I had with my dad popped into my head. I had called on my birthday to let them know that I was indeed pregnant with grandlove #13. His response was “Awesome, Christmas babies!” I hastily corrected him; only ONE embryo was transferred, and we’ll probably have a new baby in January.  But, with delivery induced at 37 weeks it would be right about  Christmas time (12/28 to be exact).

At my 16-week appointment on 8/2 I had my first extensive ultrasound. After watching the screen with amazement, the tech asked, “So are you ready to find out the gender?” GIRLS! Without thinking I immediately started questioning her. “How long have you been doing this?” (Since the early 90s.) “How sure are you that they are girls?” (She kindly gave me a detailed tour of my unborn daughter’s spread eagle stance, stating with a wink “If they were boys there would be something here by now”.) Now at 23 weeks, I have had the “girls” verified 5 times – I think it’s about time I start to believe  we’re having our little bugga boo girls after 3 boys and 14 years.

So many coincidences, so many dates that mean something, and all unplanned.  To sum it up; estimated due date of our ‘together’ anniversary (1/17), positive test on my birthday (5/16), Dad’s little calculation mistake (babies AND around Christmas), and my amazing dream with little girl twins. The very ones I've dreamt about dice my teens. And just to add to the incredibleness of this all; I have a Christmas ornament, have had for probably 10 years, that I, for some reason, have been unable to part with. It’s an ornament with 5 kids.

The story of us. So young when we fell in love. So much to learn. So many growing pains. Our 3 boys all in their teens. The strong desire to do it again, together. That 2 little souls would find us worthy. What a rise from the ashes. What a joy. What a reason to be grateful for it all – because I wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t gone through it all. If I hadn’t allowed myself to learn those tough lessons and grown with the knowledge that there is always more to learn. I am blessed with this magnificent opportunity to do this again. I am in awe. There are no words to describe – I am overwhelmed with joy and thankfulness. Blessed be. Amen.