I wish I wasn't an emotional person.  I wish I could just maintain the truths I hear in my head and not deal with the annoying emotions that seem to crawl out - no matter how hard I try to talk them down. 

There is a constant battle of mind and heart inside me.  I wish I could turn it off or at least have some kind of control over them - I used to be able to hold it all in, be in control, or at least collapse in them in safety, on my own, when I chose.  Not anymore.  Now the pain and sadness creeps out of no where, without much help.  The urge to cry, to scream, to leave and abandon everything so that I can start fresh.  I just want the slate wiped clean. 

I feel weak - even when I know I'm being strong. 

I'm sick of feeling the constant contradictions inside me. 

I am stronger than my fears - yet they constantly seem to hold me back.  When I fight them and try my hardest to ignore or be more lenient awful anxieties overtake me, I'm surprised my entire body doesn't shake because it feels that way.  Like a drug withdrawal. 

It's hard to not care when all you want to do is care. 

When the one and only thing you want seems so far away and so hard to achieve...

 

Bite your Tongue

Bite your tongue, bite your tongue.
The words you're about to speak,
aren't the ones you want to say.
They aren't the ones you want to be heard.
Please bite your tongue.

That doesn't mean to hold it in.
That doesn't mean to surrender.
That doesn't mean to give up.

That means to be the big one.
To be strong enough to choose your action.
To be able to see the results you want and move towards them,
Not away, never away.

Think, pray, use the tools you were given.
The suffering you're going through now won't always be there,
but it will leave you stronger, wiser, and in a much more beautiful place.

 
 

My Challenge

I have a challenge:  In every situation, whether it's a fight with my husband, a show-down with a son, or deciding if I really want to eat another cupcake; I'm asking myself:

What is my goal?

Then fixed on my goal, I'll ask:

Is what I'm about to do going to lead me closer to or farther away from my goal?

If the answer to the above question is no - BRAKES!  STOP! 

I want to make a choice right then and there to change what I planned on doing to a new plan, a plan that will take me closer to my goal, not farther away.

This self reflection can help with any situation I'm dealt in life.  It might not be easy but it's worth it.  The decision to be better, to be happier, to be all I was meant to be is mine alone. 

I'm starting today, it can only make my life improve and that's my overall aim.

Purpose

The current purpose in my life is to be a better person today than I was yesterday.  To rise above negativity and view only the positive.  To become more patient and less judgmental.  To be more outgoing and open to try new things.  To find my true calling.

I am committed to my little family of five.  Each day I am blessed by the love and joy I feel radiating off of the crew of us.  (Some days there's a little less heat, but it's always there.)  I am a link off my extended family, separate, yet still linked.  The support they give me, gives me the confidence I need to continue moving forward, no matter how difficult the path.  I surround myself with the people I love, and those who love me.  I would drop anything when they need me and I am willing to do what needs to be done to make things right.

I know the world is a big place and all people are entitled to their own opinions, beliefs, and thoughts.  I will hold mine close to me, but never be so dedicated to them that I can not be open to change.  I will use hardships for growth and be thankful that they help to create a better me. 

I am stronger than my fears, but I will never be so weak I won't admit I have them.  I will conquer them because that is who I am.  I am intense and only see a difficult situation as a challenge not yet seized.

I am a work in progress - but I am growing into all I was born to be.

Tears

I wrote this in high school and found it today:

Tears
Sometimes tears can't be spoken,
The words get stuck inside.
I feel like nobody cares but,
It's not that they don't,
It's just they don't know.
It's hard sometimes when nobody listens.
Sometimes I feel so tense.
I need to let it all out.
My feelings get bottled up inside,
Pushed away.
There are so many problems,
Love and Life and Friends.
Life can be short.
Why rush?
The days go by,
So do the nights.
I need to let loose,
I'll just cry.

Thank You

As we walk into my sister's house we are greeted by my little smoosh with  a bigger grin than anything you could imagine.  On excited little legs he runs to each of us with a smile and a hug, complete with pats on the back and overflowing excitement.  Chattering indecipherable words trying to share all his joy.  Is there any other reason to be alive?

The water is freezing, but the sunlight reflecting on the cascading waterfall is to tempting.  The water sprays down on the boys as they wade slowly but determined into the cold water.  The giggling laughter from my children as they splash and play is contagious.  Seeing them so happy.  Is there any other reason to be alive?

E is on the trampoline.  "Look at this Mom!"  he calls.  I glance out the window as he back handsprings and lands feet planted! "I saw this on Star Wars" he says  "I thought I could do it."  As if its the most normal thing in the world to decide you can do handsprings and automatically you can.  His joy leads me to throw off my shoes and join him.  Soon C and J are there with us.  Impromptu "Simon Says".  We play for over an hour, laughing and just being.  Is there any other reason to be alive?

These are the moments that make my life worth living.  Despite any hardships in my life I'm more blessed than not.  More happy than sad.  Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.

 

 

Hmmmmm

I was taught from a young age that if you hurt someone you apologized and did your best to make them feel better again.  It didn't matter if the hurt was emotional or physical.  It didn't matter if it was an accident or on purpose.  You apologize and do your hardest to not let it happen again.  I think I made the mistake of assuming that most people understood this, that it was a basic step in human development - at the very least in the people I surround myself with. 

I think that's why is has been so hard for me in my marriage the last few months.  I have taken the time to step back from myself and reflect on the things I could've done that hurt him.  I have told him why I hurt and what hurt me.  I have asked him what I should do differently.  I have looked into our past habits and seen things we both needed to learn from and change.  I have made changes and I'm still trying to make more, not just for him, but for ME - to be a better person.  I do see changes in him - I need to give credit where credit is due and I really DO on occasion catch a glimpse of the man I love, slowly but surely more regularly - but the core change; that one where no matter how hard it is - no matter what you need to give up, you do for the person you love the most hasn't happened. 

I read somewhere that the happiness you have in your adult life reflects the happiness you learned as a child.  For example; say happiness = 100% but during your childhood it was very rare for you or your family to be at 100%, you usually were more of a 50% or 25%, then for the rest of your adult life that percentage is where you are comfortable being.  It's hard to move out of that comfort zone, even if it would be better for you. 

I'm not one to make excuses, ever.  Own your problem, especially if you created it.  But I can see how some of this would be harder for a person who was never taught it.  Where if I can function at 100% capacity for compassion and happiness it might not be that easy for him... however that leads us to the "no matter how hard it is" change.  I know it's baby steps and I don't want to give up quite yet - but its harder than I thought to move at a snail's pace when I'm set to jackrabbit speed.  I guess I need to slow down almost as much as he needs to learn to speed up....

Poor

A Buddhist Tale:

One day a very wealthy man took his son on a trip to the country to live a few days on a farm with a very poor family.  His goal: to teach his son a lesson about what it means to be poor.

Upon their return, the father asked his son, "So what did you learn about what it means to be poor?"

The son answered, " I learned that we have 1 dog.  They have 4.  We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden.  They have a creek with no end.  We have imported lanterns.  They have an abundance of stars at night.  We have a small piece of land to live on.  They have fields that go beyond sight.  We buy our food.  They grow theirs.  We have walls around our property.  They have friends to protect them."

The boys father was speechless.  The son looked at him and said, "You have shown me how poor WE truly are."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's all about perspective. 

Circles

Saturday afternoon I was in the middle of cleaning my tub when I heard screaming again.  (Side note: this is not an occasional thing, what I'm meaning to say is for the -100th time- and it's only lunchtime I heard screaming.)  I immediately tried to put in those "Mommy earplugs" hoping the kids could just work this out and leave me alone, but no.  It's never a true fight until we can completely bewilder mom and make her appear crazy.  When the fake tears and near death screams  reached an all time high, I finally went to see who was "crying wolf" and why.  Honest to God I can't remember what the fight was, probably someone was chewing to loudly ON PURPOSE or someone looked at someone funny or maybe someone ate more cookies than the other, who knows.  (Wouldn't it be nice to have those kind of problems be your only problems again?)  All I know is CIRCLE popped into my head.

A circle - has no beginning and no end - so do these incessant fights!  Okay, here we go boys.  We have all 3 of you constantly bickering and going back and forth about things that don't matter at all, sometimes things that are NONE of your business to begin with.  Each of you says "I'm only doing it to him because he does it to me!"  Who is going to be the big one and break the circle?  Please follow me - if C does this to J because J does it to C, or E does it to J because C did it to E - aren't you all in the wrong?  One of you has to make the decision to stop it or you'll just keep going in a circle!  One of you has to be the bigger one.  I certainly can't punish just one of you, so if you'd like to see someone else get disciplined, you'll have to step right up too.  Daddy always said "It takes 2 to tango".

Then something else clicked in me; here I am preaching to my kids about being the bigger one, about breaking the circle and being a better person - but they aren't going to listen if all I do it talk, I need to show it.  I need to be the example that will lead them to be better, lead them to break this negative circle.

I thought about all the issues I've been having in my own life the last few months and how hard it is to be the bigger one, to cut some slack especially when YOU know YOU'RE the "right" one.  I know we all feel that way.  Some argue better than others, some love conflicting discussions and debates, others avoid it at all costs - but no matter where you are in that spectrum - we all think we're "right".

So I guess I'm going to be trying to break my negative circle.  I have to remember to step away, take a deep breathe and think about my reaction before responding.  Yes, sometimes the person you're dealing with doesn't deserve that kind of response, but I'm going to be the bigger one.  I'm going to set an example for my boys and hope they learn to break those negative circles before the circle gets to nasty and wrong.

Quiet Prayers

This one might be a little hard to write.  I don't usually open up about things like this because they are so internal for me, I know how powerful joining your prayers with another can be - but this morning when one of my best friends in the entire world called to pray with me I felt like I had been tripped.  Now, don't get me wrong.  I'm not at all against prayer.  I grew up in it.  More bible studies and religious people then I can count.  Watching that, seeing how crazy or hypocritical some Christians can be, I decided I never wanted to be that way and unintentionally I tucked that part of myself deep inside, even the good parts.

I pray all the time, constantly throughout the day.  I speak words of blessings/healing/safety all over my family, my friends, my home. There are power in word.  I just never realized how hard it would be for me to share that with another person, to speak those words out-loud.  To show so much of my inner self.  To be "naked" of sorts. 

I chose a long time ago not to define myself by a religion.  To make sure I was never viewed as a hypocrite, never a "Sunday Christian".  I believe in God, I believe there is so much more to this life than what we see.  Spirituality is all around us and in everything.  My very favorite place to see God is in the sparkling eyes of a child.  You can hear God in their laughter.  They are so innocent, so full of the simple pleasures, so free.

When I pray it's more than words.  I usually visualize it.  I close my eyes and see what I'm asking for.  I surround my children in a "bubble of protection" and have every night since they were born.  But I find it is the hardest thing for me to let anyone besides my children hear me...  Maybe someday I'll learn how to share that quiet part of me.

Raising Husbands

(*No, not all men are this way and Yes, I know some men are not always this way, just sometimes - but as a general rule of thumb if you're male you should NOT ever be this way.*)

From this day forward I am not raising sons.  I am raising future husbands and dads.  When I think of the problems that I have been having in my marriage I realize that there are things that have always been wrong.  Why is it okay that the woman is supposed to be the one that grows up and becomes responsible, while the man consistently wants to be treated as an adult, yet act as a child?  Sorry - just because you worked all day does not mean I did not.  Why are you done, but my shifts are 24 hours?  Bullshit!  A responsible man should not just mean a paycheck. 

I want to scream at the top of my lungs - HELLO BONEHEAD!  Yeah, yes YOU, you made those dishes... WASH them, or at least rinse them out!  Um - Yeah, YOU again, I think you finished the milk and that soda there... is there a reason the empties are still sitting on the counter?  You do know where the empties go - You're not a guest here... Oh, tomorrow is trash day?  No I'm not reminding you - it's the ONE thing you do... and those kids fighting there, the ones that are supposed to be in bed... Me thinks they might be your children... pretending they're not there until I take care of it is NOT the right thing to do...  Oh, and one more thing - our youngest is only 8, NO he can NOT take care of himself while we just go out and do whatever we want, whenever we want - separately .  Not okay.

So anyways, I decided that this is not the way my sons will ever treat their wives.  They will understand it's a partnership, a shared quest.  They will learn that the little things matter the most and that although women can do anything a REAL man wouldn't let her!  I will make sure they understand women think differently and need different things than men, but that's okay - it doesn't make us crazy.  Opening doors and being a gentleman shouldn't be a thing of the past.  Yes, women are strong and can do what needs to be done - but men are supposed to be there to take care of us.  To want to take care of us.  We're supposed to be the ying and the yang, the black and white, peanut butter and jelly, macaroni and cheese... yadda, yadda, yadda.

So help me God, they will be good husbands.  They will know that family comes first, that everything else is second.  That they are important, but true love is giving of yourself and desiring so much more for those you love than yourself.  Selfishness and dishonesty are banned from our house.  I will teach them with scenarios and open communication and plain ol' example!  When I look into their eyes I know I already gave them a good start - they will be men of integrity, true knights in shinning armor (no pansy princes here!)

The Four Agreements

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello Motherhood

I barely remember the day I found out I was pregnant with my Christopher.  All I remember is taking the pregnancy test, seeing the positive sign and feeling strangely complete... and then reality hit me.  Here I was 19 years old and practically estranged from my family.  I was with the love of my life, but we were young, we were uneducated, we were living with a friend and there was no way this would improve our life.  I panicked.  I cried.  I screamed.  I tucked it away, afraid to deal with it, but at the same time knowing without a shadow of a doubt that a precious gift was growing inside of me.

It took a few moody days before I could tell Sean.  He was working as a stock boy at a local grocery store.  I went to visit him for lunch, a ball of nerves and anxiousness.  Instead of telling him I got mad at him and left the store sad and upset.  He didn't even know why.  When he got home that night I told him we had to talk.  I couldn't keep it a secret any longer.  I couldn't be the only one to know.  I'm sad to say I don't remember his reaction.  All I remember is more tears, a mix of happy, scared and sad... maybe not "happy", but I already knew I loved this little thing nestled under my heart.

I think the hardest part about getting pregnant young and unmarried for me was the stigma that came with it.  I was never "that girl".  I was always an honor student, never partied, never drank, never even tried drugs.  I prided myself on knowing right from wrong.  Sean was my first and only.  Now, here I was pregnant.  Looking like the complete opposite of all I ever valued.  It was never a matter of  choosing whether or not to keep the baby.  He was mine the second I found out, yet I was scared of the reactions I was going to get.  Terrified of once again letting the people I loved down.  Afraid not only for my future, but now my unborn child.

Sean had proposed to me the year before, so technically we were engaged, still so young!  He decided we should get married.  He thought it would make things better.  I wasn't so sure it would.  Don't get me wrong, I remember the very second I fell in love with Sean, the very second I knew he was the definition of my love.  I just didn't know if getting married was the right answer because of all the other things we had going on with my family.  So we put it on hold.  We did decide to start looking for an apartment however, and soon we had our first "home".

I think we kept the pregnancy a secret for a few more months.  Neither of us knew how to tell our parents.  Mine didn't like the situation before a baby, they definitely wouldn't get excited about the situation now.  Sean's parents were a little more accepting, but it's still quite the news to tell your parents.  I finally told my mom at a church service I attended with her.  She cried, she hugged me, she told me she would be there for me and help me through this.  She told me that she would tell my dad.  I also broke the news to Sean's mom, he was to "chicken" and couldn't get up the nerve.  So there we were.  Publically pregnant.  There I was publically, no way to hide it, a vision of all I never wanted to be.

Now that the news was out some good things did start to happen.  It was still a rough road but I began to reconnect with my family, the people I had missed for months.  My dad got me a job at the car lot he worked at, my mom called me everyday, and I got to see my "first babies" (Floopy, DJ, and Jimbo) more often.  This is not to say getting pregnant fixed things - not at all - it's just that when you're at your lowest the people you really matter to will be there no matter what to help you through it.  I was ecstatic to have my family and my Sean.

On November 10, 2000 I remember waking up at about 7:30 with an amazing urge to pee.  Sean was in the bathroom getting ready to go to work.  I sat up on the edge of our bed and at that very second our lives changed again.  My water broke, I yelled into Sean "You're not going to work today!" and minutes later we were on our way to the hospital.

I have to say that labor sucks.  It is absolutely one of the most awful things a woman will ever go through, but even in that I lucked out.  We were blessed with our special treasure less than 5 hours later.  Christopher Isaiah was placed in my arms at 12:26pm.  My amazing 8Ib, 2oz bundle of love.  He was perfect.  Remembering that very moment makes all the nonsense that came before it worth it. 

When I look at my oldest son now I know the pride shines in my eyes.  He is becoming an amazing young man.  He is learning honor and integrity - two things I value strongly.  Do what is right, always, even when no one is looking.  Of course he has his moments, as all 12 year old boys do, but he is the kind of person I would want as a friend.  He is growing into a man that I am more than proud to call my son.  (There are a few stories there I will have to save for another time. xoxo)

 

Dear Husband

When I packed your bag to kick you out this weekend and then allowed you to stay I thought we had come to a sort of mutual agreement.  I told you the bare minimal requirement I needed from you was to be reassured that you loved me and were thinking about me on a regular basis.  I can give you some space and keep from obsessing over our relationship if you can give me this.  All I was asking for was a few texts throughout the day or a phone call.  Something.  This is not new and you know it.  The very next day you leave for work and forget me.  Maybe not in the "I don't have a wife" kind of way but definitely in the "her feelings don't matter" way.  This is not okay.  Not even being able to comprehend how important the bare minimal is, makes me feel like I -"Us"- isn't as important as it should be to you.

When someone loves you unconditionally and is willing to (literally) be in pain to help you through something, you don't take advantage of them.  Yet, you take advantage again and again.  My heart is breaking.  I'm being suffocated.  Yet, here you stand, to inconvenienced to even do the bare minimal.

You could make this easier by just speaking the truth.  Telling me your true feelings, even if they hurt is the only way we will be able to work through this.  Your "I don't knows" and lack of reasons are ruining us.  Your inability to give me time and attention is ruining us.

How much space could you actually need anyways?  Most men don't work a 12-15hr day and then demand weekends completely for themselves.  You already are away more than you are with me or your children on any given week.  I am not a single mom.  This is not okay.

If you want me to wait around any longer you need to do a few things, (with 100% effort), without them, I have had enough.  I can not do this to myself or our children anymore.

1. Whether you think it's stupid or not, I do need to hear from you a few times a day.  It is not fair for you to think you can just disappear for 12-15hrs every day and have no connection to home. 
2. You need to choose me.  Choosing me does not mean you sit at home and do nothing.  It means you choose to have fun with me, regardless of where we are or what we're doing.  Your attitude on this has been making me have a bad attitude - I understand that, but if you don't start trying we are through.
3. You have responsibilities to not only me, but our children - you need to start taking those seriously.  You made a commitment to me, one God and most humans agree is pretty sacred.  I need to know you're still committed - if not, it's time to stop playing games with me.
4. We won't ever work if you can not be "real" with me.  If you are a different person when you're not around me that is a problem.  I can not be with someone who can't share all of himself.  Unfortunately, I think you are more judgmental of yourself than I could ever be.  You have created in your head how you think I would react to whatever "secret self" you have, and that just makes me feel like you don't know me at all.

I hope you can understand where I am coming from and know how much I truly love you.  You ARE my favorite and I think you'd be surprised at how well I really do know you.  Or maybe not, would I even be here if I didn't know the deeper you?  You need to believe in me... in us... We won't be a "We" with only one of us fighting for that. 

I love you for longer than always, to infinity and beyond,
~Me.