Hmmmmm

I was taught from a young age that if you hurt someone you apologized and did your best to make them feel better again.  It didn't matter if the hurt was emotional or physical.  It didn't matter if it was an accident or on purpose.  You apologize and do your hardest to not let it happen again.  I think I made the mistake of assuming that most people understood this, that it was a basic step in human development - at the very least in the people I surround myself with. 

I think that's why is has been so hard for me in my marriage the last few months.  I have taken the time to step back from myself and reflect on the things I could've done that hurt him.  I have told him why I hurt and what hurt me.  I have asked him what I should do differently.  I have looked into our past habits and seen things we both needed to learn from and change.  I have made changes and I'm still trying to make more, not just for him, but for ME - to be a better person.  I do see changes in him - I need to give credit where credit is due and I really DO on occasion catch a glimpse of the man I love, slowly but surely more regularly - but the core change; that one where no matter how hard it is - no matter what you need to give up, you do for the person you love the most hasn't happened. 

I read somewhere that the happiness you have in your adult life reflects the happiness you learned as a child.  For example; say happiness = 100% but during your childhood it was very rare for you or your family to be at 100%, you usually were more of a 50% or 25%, then for the rest of your adult life that percentage is where you are comfortable being.  It's hard to move out of that comfort zone, even if it would be better for you. 

I'm not one to make excuses, ever.  Own your problem, especially if you created it.  But I can see how some of this would be harder for a person who was never taught it.  Where if I can function at 100% capacity for compassion and happiness it might not be that easy for him... however that leads us to the "no matter how hard it is" change.  I know it's baby steps and I don't want to give up quite yet - but its harder than I thought to move at a snail's pace when I'm set to jackrabbit speed.  I guess I need to slow down almost as much as he needs to learn to speed up....