within grasp

I had 2 dreams.

In one dream the ab-so-lute man of my dreams was there. I can't even describe him because it was more of a sense than anything. Except the eyes. Those eyes that looked into my depths, and I knew in that second who he was. It could be you.

In the second dream we were best friends again, and in that dream I looked into your eyes and saw your depths. In those depths I found everything I ever needed, and in that second I knew that all the pain was so worth it just to see you smile again.

After those 2 dreams all I could think about was Robert Frost's "The Road Not Taken".

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down as far as I could

But then I started thinking - what if they were one and the same? One path

. 

But then I remembered  - You opened the door and did not want to take the steps to close it. Two paths.

Oh, how I wish my dreams would be one reality.

To have it all within grasp, but to not reach out and take it is sad indeed.

Unfortunately - one alone can't create a dream for two.

I have finally realized what I need from you.

There is no way around it - because the very same thing that pulls me from you, draws me towards you.

You hurt me. You hurt me to the very core of everything I thought - believed - we had.

When you chose to run away and hide from the sad, hard reality I was facing all those years ago, you took with you all the things about you I held so dear. 

You abandoned me. 

You left me, not only to overcome this deep heart-wrenching loss, but also to fend for myself and our children. 

Alone.

You know all this. I have no need to bring up details or open up old wounds.
The problem is that despite my being able to forgive you, and yes, move forward in most ways - I have never received the acknowledgement from you that this did indeed happen. 

Though you have said your "sorrys" and apologized, I have never felt it sincerely. No changes were ever made to make it right. No actions were taken to show me you'd try your hardest not to let it happen again.

What's more, you have never taken the time to fully realize how absolutely destructive this loss of you - when you were needed the very most - was to me, to our relationship. 

I have grown stronger, wiser, perhaps somewhat intimidating, but there is no going backwards for me.

Because my heart is still so raw from this lack of recognition, I see you and it stings.

You, who are so incredibly capable, and even claim that you want the same love story I do - but broken, stubborn, unwilling to be uncomfortable in the slightest - even if it means you loose the woman you claim to cherish more than anything.

It's incomprehensible to me. I do not get it.

_______________________________________________

I see you're drowning, so I throw you this life-saving rope, however, because I'm the one who threw it, you refuse to accept, and instead are pulled under by the current. I stand on the shore baffled and saddened by the loss of you. I am not sure you'll resurface, and reach for the rope, or if I've lost you forever. Either way, I stay watching, hoping - just in case. Unfortunately, I've been standing on this shore, tears streaming down my face, for far to long already and maybe I need to accept the reality is, you will not.

Indulge me

There comes a time in life when you realize that you want someone there for it all. 

That, at the end of the day you just want someone  you can build a complete full life with.

Someone who is there for the simple, sometimes stupid, mundane everyday tasks.
Someone who knows your story, and loves you anyway.
Someone who knows your dreams, and wants to help you achieve them.

With that said; please let me in.

I want to know everything.

I want to know all about your past and all about your future.

I want to know what makes you tick. What makes you cry.

Tell me what you’d like to do on a rainy day.
Or on a vacation with friends.
Or when you’re confused and aren’t sure how to muddle through.

I want to know what hurt you so immensely that you thought you would never breath again, and what made you laugh so hard you ended up with that very same result.

I want you to share your wishes with me, your dreams, your goals… even your regrets.

I want you to be willing to break yourself wide open in the most vulnerable, naked way.
I will do the same for you.

Imagine the relief, the weight lifted from our shoulders, when we are standing there with no secrets, with no shame – raw, true. Perfectly imperfect. Magic.
And blessed beyond measure because despite it all fully accepted and loved.

I want you. I want to know you. All of you.

I want to know what you’re afraid of and what keeps holding you back from your potential.

I want to know about your first real crush and first real heartbreak.
I want to know who your best friend was growing up and what your favorite thing to do was.

Indulge me. Spill it all.

I want to know what you believe in, and why you think it’s true.
I want to know if, like me, you sometimes just seem to know.

Step out of your comfort zone and I think that you will find, not only the friend that you’ve been missing, but the love you thought you lost.

I am magic, so are you - I will show you how to fly, if you'll finally show me your wings.

If that’s too much for you, that’s too little for me.

Once in a Lifetime(?)

When you go through life you create your dream, looking back may at times make you feel as though what you were living was not in fact reality - but it was for you. It was your dream, and there can be no regrets in that. Love is blind and accepting.
Sometimes two dreamers continue on, making their dream together, but there are also times when those dreamers start a different dream, one that may change the reality that was known for so long, which causes us to see that what we thought was there, was not always there for the other. Each person's perception of the same event can be startlingly different.  

This was a dream I had one night, but I awoke before I could find out what happened, and in my grogginess I too felt stuck.

_______________________________________________________

Once upon a time there was a young girl who fell in love. That alone, isn't what makes this story special. There are many stories in which a young girl falls in love. What makes this story special is that this love was a special kind of love. A once in a lifetime, kind of love. A love so deep that when it was returned there was nothing that it couldn't accomplish.

The young girl herself was a little different.  She didn't see people in their physical form. When she looked into someone's eyes, she immediately saw their soul and glimpsed a part of them that they might not even know existed. She knew the human form was limited, flawed, and fragile. She knew the soul was boundless, perfect, and strong. The soul was there to learn and grow, to become more, while the body was only a temporary vessel.

This girl seemed self-conscience or timid to many who knew her, even to the point that occasionally she seemed conceited or egotistical. In reality, she felt to deeply, cared to much, and couldn't bear to be out in the world without her guard up. The arrogance of the world hurt her. Though, at the same time, she knew everything was as it was supposed to be, and that she had to accept it.

One day she met a young boy, he was awkward, but full of laughter. His eyes seemed to twinkle, and when he smiled the edges of them crinkled making his whole face light up. The moment she saw him, she knew there was something special about him. She knew that someday there would be significance in their chance meeting.

Some years past, before they met again. Every once in a while, she would think of him and remember the smile that lit up his face, so when she saw him again she recognized him instantly.

It was the year the town decided to host a picnic. All the local villages were invited. The menu was planned and the festivities scheduled. The girl and her best friend headed to the stage area to watch a band perform. As the singer sang, and the guitarist strummed the girl noticed the boy playing on the drums. When the song ended he glimpsed up and their eyes met. There was the twinkle she remembered! She felt a blush come to her cheeks. When the set ended he came over to her. The rest of the night was a blur of laughter, fun, and getting to know each other.

Though he lived a village over, the two became inseparable. If they weren't together they were thinking of each other. Their parents would sometimes become annoyed or try to limit their interactions. All that did was make them yearn for each other more. Their families had different principles they lived by, which made it difficult for the families to accept each other. Though the girl saw the kindness in both, what really made her pursue the boy was the connection she felt to his core. She knew he was so much more than what her parents saw.

When the girl looked at this boy she saw who he really was - kind, caring and loving, devoted to her, a hard-worker, who wasn't afraid to fight for what he wanted. His laughter was contagious. There was rarely a time he wasn't smiling, and if he wasn't he had good reason. She felt she could tell him anything. They were friends. He was a rock on which she could build a future. So she did. She put her trust in what she saw physically and felt internally. She gave him her heart.

They married. As the years past they bought a house, had children, and built a life together. The two of them stayed close. Though sometimes the tension of life got to them, they had each other. As soon as they climbed into bed at night the stress seemed to melt away and they were there, in their special place, just the two of them. Nothing else mattered because they had each other and that was the most important thing of all. They made plans for their future and set some goals.

As part of these plans, the boy began working longer and longer hours. The girl ran the household and raised the children. This was in an effort to reach their goals as quickly as possible. Though the boy was becoming more and more absent, the girl did her best to understand where he was coming from. He had a family to provide for, a goal they had set together. He always came home when the work was done. She was strong and independent; she was happy to pick up the slack because their love was steadfast. But she missed him.

The children would sometimes ask about him or comment on how they missed him, and she made sure they understood he loved them; that he was working hard so that they could have all they wanted. The two still went out together occasionally. They still touched. But as the time past, and the children grew, the boy's absence affected them all. Though it hurt right now, the girl knew deep down he’d come around. She knew who he was, she was sure of it.

Then the unthinkable happened. The girl received news that her best friend was very sick. She rushed to be by her friend’s side, but was too late. She remembered touching her friend's hand one more time; saying goodbye. The rest was a blur.

Somehow the girl was home. Her children were there with her, each of them sad, tears trickling down their cheeks. This made it worse. The girl felt their pain as well as her own. She broke into sobs. Then quickly regained herself, deciding right then and there that she would be a strong for her children. After they have gone to bed, she thought, then I can have my moment to weep, and he will be there to hold me. He was.

This was the very first time the girl had ever lost someone close to her. It was the first time there would be no tomorrow with her precious friend in it. The girl sank into a depression, the sadness overwhelming her. She couldn't function. She did the best she could with her children, but the house became cluttered and the minimum was done each day. She knew she was wrong. She knew she had to shake this, but no matter how she tried the despair had it's grasp on her, and it would not let her go. The girl expected the boy to help her. If nothing else, to at least be there, to help her pull out of this gloom and be happy again. She needed his touch, his smile. It didn't happen though, instead she scared him. He had never seen her this way, so weak and inconsolable; so he left whenever he could, with whatever excuse he could find.

She noticed the boy’s smile had faded. Instead of his face lighting up when he saw her, his eyes would barely catch her own. The girl felt his distance. It hurt. She would try her hardest to be strong. To make him happy, to show him how loved and appreciated he was. Instead of this having her desired effect, it seemed to annoy him, in turn he gave minimally and avoided her even more.

She was stuck wondering what she had done to him, while also mourning the loss of her friend. Despite that, she somewhat understood how unnerving she must be. She felt lost and betrayed but began to do her best to pull herself up. The connection she had with the boy was strained and confusing… She felt as if she had lost two people at once.

The girl did not want to give up. She made the decision to become the best she could be. She knew she had to re-find herself and not be dependent on anyone else. This changed her. Everything she had known was gone; so she focused her mind on self-discovery, and poured her heart into her children and the things that made her happy.

She had her moments of misery; the boy was the one thing that always filled her heart with happiness. Though at this time she realized she had to set that aside for now, until a time when he was ready to be hers again. As much as she missed him, she knew deep down that forcing him to be a part of her life wasn’t really what she wanted or needed. She wanted to be his choice, otherwise, it wouldn’t be the real authentic love she had thought they had.

So she waited, impatiently, but waiting just the same. Praying that the promises and “I love you’s” that fell from his lips would be true soon… 

Quicksand

When reality hit me, it came careening out of nowhere and stabbed me right in the chest. It left me stunned. It left me unsure. It switched my blind-eye on immediately. The things I saw - scary, surreal, lovely. The sounds; amazing, but intense. It took me a couple months to balance. The senses constantly tingling. I felt so fidgety. It was hard to concentrate as I adjusted. Once I did a doorway was opened that I would never allow to close again. It was as if I had awakened in a dream. 

I began to realize that it was my dream. That I controlled it, sort of. Things still happened that were out of my control, however my reaction mattered more than anything else did. It was a choice for me to be happy or sad. It was choice to move forward or stay stagnant. 

The hard part of coming to this reality, this conclusion, is that while you may be ready and willing to move yourself forward to a better self, a better place, those around you may not be ready or willing. This stagnation I so dreaded, seemed to be the place that some belonged, and my foot is caught in their quicksand.

There are some I want to grab hold of and shake, screaming into their faces "OPEN YOUR EYES". I do not. I can not. The reality is here, but I cannot make you see it. I try to slowly pull my foot from their indifference. Yet it's hard to let go. So I sit here choking, as the knowledge that is in me fights with the broken heart I've tried so hard to keep bandaged and protected. 

I will keep whispering of truths. I will keep becoming stronger. I will dedicate myself to rising above and being the best me I can be. I cannot promise you much longer, as I am almost free, but I do pray you find it in yourself to one day be all you were meant to be.

Mom doesn't equal Maid

This is because I am starting to feel like a maid, and I am not one. I am happy to keep things running smoothly and do things for people, but I feel you are all starting to take advantage. Since everyone in this house is past the age of diaper changes, here are some new rules that, as responsible, strong, well-educated people, like those living in this house, should be able to handle.

1. LAUNDRY:
   All dirty clothes need to be placed in the hamper in your room if you want them washed. No clothing should be balled-up or inside-out (e.g. underwear or shorts intricately entwined in your pants - NOT OKAY!) If you can't handle this rule, you will be in charge of your own laundry washing/dying. If you happen to notice clean laundry folded in the livingroom, please put it away as soon as it is noticed! I should not have to remind you to put away your own things; especially when I have already cleaned, dried, folded, and separated it into each individual's own pile in an effort to make each of your lives easier! If you think that this isn't a lot of work, please feel free to do it all on your own. If clean laundry isn't promptly put away, you will do it all!
2. LIVINGROOM:
   If you open a reclining chair, close it when you get up! If you throw pillows on the floor to make room for yourself, pick them up when you are done in the room! If you use a blanket, fold it and put it away when you are done with it... none of these actions are difficult! Small room = looks dirty easily. Please help me to keep our home looking good!
3. DISHES:
   After using any dishes/bowls/cups you are to rinse them out and set them on the counter to the right of the sink or in the dishwasher. When rinsing, you are not allowed to rinse directly into the bowl that I keep in the sink with soapy water for soaking silverware. I'm sure you can all handle dumping the rinse water to the side of the bowl, instead of into it. Speaking of which, the only thing allowed in the sink is this bowl with soapy water with any other silverware you have used placed in it. No more dishes on top of dishes in a huge pile, with who knows what sticking to them and smelly. If that is to continue you will each be in charge of washing your own dishes dishes as soon as you are done using them!
4. RECYCLABLES (bottles, cans, boxes, etc):
   There are only 2 places recyclables belong - in the blue bin or in the can return bag. Both of these are in the garage. Recyclables do NOT belong in or by the kitchen sink, they do NOT belong on the counter or by the garage door and they do NOT belong in the trash. They are recyclable, not garbage and only belong in one of the 2 places listed above EACH and every time you have one, not occasionally. EVERY FREAKING TIME!
5. BATHROOM:
   A) If you pee on the toilet seat wipe it up, if you pee ANYWHERE other than the giant hole filled with water, WIPE IT UP!
   B) If you cut/shave/brush your hair  - CLEAN IT UP! All of it! You are responsible for each and every little strand! This probably means wiping down the entire sink and vanity, including the lifting of items on the vanity, because I'm sure your hair is under and between it all.
   C) When you brush your teeth make sure all your spit/phlegm/grossness and toothpaste is rinsed down the drain. If it doesn't easily rinse down the sink, it is your job to wipe it out of the sink... DUH! Toothpaste and toothbrushes should always be put back in the drawer when you are done with them, and the drawer should be CLOSED. This is to prevent all those nasty bathroom germs away from and off of the items we put in our mouths multiple times a day. Rocket science!
   D) After a shower make sure the plug is pushed down after, so that the next person to take a shower doesn't get soaked by an automatic shower as soon as the water is turned on. Clean any hairs out of the drain filter and rinse any dirt or bubbles down the drain when you are done.
   E) If you clip your nails you also must remove the clipping from the vanity, sink, floor... actually, remove them from absolutely everywhere they may land, except the trash can, which is pretty close to where the clippers are kept so it shouldn't be all that difficult.
6. ANIMALS:
   Make sure all animals are fed and watered daily. If you make a mess in the process of doing this you need to clean up the mess you made. They are unable to take care of any of this on their own and we are responsible to make sure they have what they need every day. Just because you took care of your animals doesn't mean someone else should be taking care of your mess. (e.g. cat food overflowed to the floor or a trail of water from refilling water bowls.)
7. SNOW STUFF/SUMMER STUFF:
   A) WINTER: There are 2 containers in the kitchen. The bag holds little things like gloves and hats, the basket holds big things like snow-pants and coats. When you go out do not tear apart this system, leaving the mess for me to clean up. Find your stuff, put back what you don't need, and move on. When you come inside from the snow put anything that is damp/wet in a pile for the dryer, and put anything still dry in the storage container it belongs in.
   B) SPRING/SUMMER/FALL: Flip-flops, sneakers, peeled off socks, wet towels, toys, yard tools - all have a spot to go in! This 'spot' isn't littered all over the yard and house. Socks do not belong balled up and lingering on the trampoline, or in the yard, or by the backdoor. Then I hear complaints of "I don't have any socks", you are the reason for this and I will not buy new ones. Wet towels should be hung on the deck. All toys/balls/etc. should be put in the tote on the deck when you are done with them. Yard tools (shovels, rakes, etc) should be put in garage or at least brought up to the door and leaned against the house. Absolutely none of these things should be left all over the yard, creating a mad rush to clean up when it is time to mow the lawn.

We have a small house and one mess can easily make it look disastrous! Please do your part to keep our home clean and comfortable. When we take care of the little things as they happen, it means no one will have to spend hours cleaning up a huge mess of multiple little messes all piled on top of each other.

End rant... for now. :p

Memories may leak out, but be grateful for them.

I cried for you today,
Wishing I could take away the pain I know you're feeling.

Wondering why suffering
Seems so necessary in this world,
And why, you'd have to carry this burden.

I don't get it.
I don't have the answers,
I wish I did.

I do know that you are beautiful.

I don't mean that in a shallow, physical sense, though you are that too.

What I mean is that when I look at you I see a light shinning.

A sparkle that will not dull, because
You are strong and will not allow it.

You have a strength that many do not achieve in  lifetime.

Though you have endured so much in your life,
You have handled it with admirable grace.

That's not to say you haven't had your moments of broken down disaster.
But through them you have adjusted and rose above.

There are lessons to be learned in everything.

Our souls know that, even when our humanness attempts to disagree.
That's the reason for all the conflict.
All the struggle.

I want you to know that I understand.
I am a listening ear.
I won't be able to take away your pain, but
I will be a solid friend that can help you withstand the ache.

I can tell you that with experience it will not go away.
It never does.
A piece is now missing from you, that can never be replaced.
However, I can also tell you that it does get easier.

Memories may leak out, but be grateful for them.

Live each day to the fullest, being the best person you can be.
Know that they are proud of you accomplishments and still obtain significant joy from you.

When someone leaves this earthly world, they are only gone in the human sense.
I know it's not the same, but it is the truth.
Always with us, though in reality that may bring little comfort in our mortal state.

You are here because the world needs your wisdom and strength.
Be proud of that.
Blessings and joy will always outweigh the troubles of the world.
Always look for them.
Know that you are loved beyond infinite measure.
Find sanctuary in that.
Peace.

Ideas

I haven't written in a few days, and while I'm feeling withdrawals, I'm also feeling overwhelmed. There seems to be to much in my head lately. It's harder to concentrate and I don't really know where to start.

1) Write about my experiences. Therapeutic for me and may be helpful to others.
2) Stories from my childhood. These might be a little embellished, but is that me or the child remembering it?
3) My Druid story
4) My "magical" brothers story
5) My historical story
6) My "death/reincarnation" story

Each and every one of these ideas have something written, something started. Some more than others, some are scraps of paper from multiple notebooks torn from pages in an effort to consolidate. Some need research, some are screaming from my mind as I try to sleep, and some come to me as I'm driving my car. See the destiny for me to write is there. The stories want to be put down on the page. It's just a matter of organizing my thoughts enough to get them there.

"You are loved and you are not alone".

2/13/2016

You are a soul with a body, not a body with a soul.

Human, yet spirit.

As I laid in bed last night, I couldn't help but think of my loved ones and friends who have lost someone recently. One lived long, and passed away as expected. The other, only half the time, and completely unexpectedly. Neither situation takes away the pain of the other. Both feel a loss, both grieve. Though I knew neither of these people very well, I feel myself tearing up as I think of the people they've left behind. My tears are shed for them.

In my soul, I know that this is not supposed to be an unhappy time - but my human mind will not allow me to fully comprehend this. I know their spirit lives on. I know the deceased no longer feels their earthly troubles. It is us, those left behind that feel the pain.

I believe our souls understand this, but in our humanness we selfishly set that aside, and wish they were with us still. We want more. Our souls know we'll meet again, but it will never be the same again.

It's a time like this when we must realize the importance of living in the "now". Using our time wisely, making memories with those we love, and living each day fully. We never know how much time we have left in this life.

Memories may bring tears, but they also bring smiles. There is no magic cure from grief. It can come and go as if it has a life all it's own. Years can pass, yet still, out of the blue, the sorrow will come. I've learned to use these pangs - I feel they are sent as a reminder. Where I used to let them weigh me down, now like to think of them as a hug, or at least recognition that my loved one still exists.

I use those moments to catch my breath. To focus on what really matters. To thank God for the life I have been given and the memories I have. I use those moments to remember.

Time may ease the pain of loss a little, but it will never fully go away. When you are close to someone who passes  a piece of you goes with them. I want to recognize this. Instead of saying "I'm sorry for your loss", I want to acknowledge your pain and say; "You are loved and you are not alone".

Gibberish

I'm scatter-brained. You see, I go about my day and literally come up with idea after idea, thought after thought, story after story. Then I sit here and... forget it all.  It's as if by brain decides to meditate even though whenever I do actually try to meditate there's a circus in my head instead. Wonderful...

Anyway, if this is going to turn into a gibberish piece I might as well gibber away...

I turned the heat down, Sean turned the heat up, and now I feel like I'm at the beach even though it is snowing outside. In fact, I am so hot, I am tempted to run out into the snow to make a snow angel and cool down. Will I really do this? No. I will not, I hate the snow. But it is nice to think of how cooling that would be... never mind. I lied. It would not be cooling. It would be freezing and I would probably die. Frostbite and the whole nine yards, I'm sure of it. I think I'll just take off my sweater instead.  Is it possible to be to hot yet still get goosebumps on your arms?  It is, because I do.  Hot with a chill, just wonderful. No, it's not menopause. It's I hate fans blowing on me. I am not a fan of anything blowing on me.

Now I am wondering why my stomach is growling even though I ate a late dinner, and ate more than I should have. Yeah - literally my stomach hurts with a hunger.  I'm going to ignore it and try to sleep...

Also, I would write more, but now I'm ticked off, because instead of moving a dog over my husband tries to keep the dog all cozy and comfortable, instead moving all into my space - pulling my covers off and knocking my computer over - even though I am obviously a human in the middle of doing something, not an animal that can easily be moved. Shows how messed up my life is...

3

Lately I've been thinking a lot about my 3 boys. They are growing into such incredible young men. All 3 of them work so hard to be the best they can be.  Their grades are good, their sports are good, who they are is good.  I'm so proud that they know who they are and focus on being true to themselves. It takes most people well into adulthood to learn that.

Chris has such a kind and gentle heart.  I love that he can think things through, far better than most his age.  He knows what he wants in life and works his hardest to achieve that. Over the past couple years he's learned some valuable lessons, worked through and rose above. He amazes me.

Jadan is Mr. Sarcasm, a trait I'm not so sure if I'm happy to pass down.  He is the one that can see both sides usually. Facts speak volumes to him, and he sees things as they are. He doesn't sugar-coat much.  Again, it's a strength and a weakness we both share. He is a strategist and planner. Check, check, check.

Ethan is my sweet baby.  He is filled with so much love and sense of adventure.  He is the epitome of "I wish I could bottle that energy".  So many emotions and movements in one little body. He is work, but the joy of him outweighs that tenfold.  Light shines from him. I don't think it's possible  to look at him without smiling.

Ever since they were little I have tried my hardest to teach them to think for themselves. I'm not perfect, I don't have all the answers, and I don't ever want them to simply believe something because I said it's true. I love to have full conversations and discussions with them. If they ask me a question I've always tended to throw it back to them with a "Well, what do you think the answer is?" They would respond, I'd share my thoughts or what I knew about it, and we would talk. This helped them to learn that they can think, that most answers are right inside them, that they have the power to solve problems successfully on their own.

This means I may disagree with them sometimes, but that's okay. They are allowed to ask why, they are allowed to share some details with me that may change my mind. I respect them enough to know that just because I want or know something, doesn't mean they do or should. When I show them respect, I am teaching them what respect is and they respect me in return. Respect can't be expected when it isn't given.

I also realized a long time ago, that if you punish a child for telling the truth you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of lies with them. When you are open and honest; punishment shouldn't be necessary, because cause and effect is real. There are natural consequences for every action. I like to let them play out. That's the real world.

These boys know what unconditional love is. They know that no matter what I will be there. I know that's why they are the great kids they are today. They have been raised in a way that truth is one of the most important attributes. They live that. As different as they each are, all 3 are filled with integrity and know right from wrong. Actions, not just words make them stand out.

I am so proud of who they are and the glimpses I catch of who they are going to be as grown men. Changing every day, yet sure of who they are inside. That's always been my goal, when you know who you are inside and are confident in that, you can't help but share that with the world. I wish I was more like them when I was their ages. My loves, my joys, my treasures. Continue to be all you are meant to be. I am blessed.

Confession to Myself

I am a highly sensitive person. Because of this I find myself drawing inward often, because of this, at times, I may seem  uncaring or arrogant or brash. Maybe even a bit of a know-it-all. I don't mean to be any of these things. 

It's harder for me to articulate or think on the spot with people who don't really know me (part of why I've always loved writing). It's difficult for me to strike up a conversation with people, simple silly things like "How's the weather?" or "Did you have a nice weekend?" just seem so impersonal and cliche. I'd rather learn your favorite childhood memory or how the sunset made you feel or if you had any dreams last night.  Real things. Soul things.

I usually keep myself pretty closed off from people. It takes time and patience if you want to get close.  I can't help that - I don't need a bunch of friends, I need genuine people. I can smell fake from miles away and tend to stay miles away. I don't hold grudges, but I learn to steer clear from what will only add unnecessary stress or, as I affectionately call it, "the chameleon conundrum". Those who are exactly what they think you want them to be, but never true to themselves, thus not worth my time. Learn to love yourself and be yourself!

Occasionally I will get a sense of deja vu or be drawn to someone - these are people that I click with instantly. Soul sisters mostly - few and far between but those I feel I knew before. They are who I feel best with. Everything is all out on the table. There are no stereotypes to live up to or problems I have to fix or ideals that I need to remain encompassed in or secrets kept - only truth. 

I may be tough to swallow for most. I do not play games and have no desire to do so. However, if you force me to play my hand, it's always strong and backed by truth. Sorry if that sounds conceited, but I do my research, sometimes to much, AND I'll admit it when I'm wrong, I'd say that's a fair opponent - but I'll probably win, so it's pointless. ;p

If I let you in, I'm giving you trust and respect. I expect the same. If I find someone unworthy of that due to their actions, it's hard for me to give it back again. Repeat behavior simply gives me more reason to build up a wall. When something happens time and time again it's time to step away. Forgiven doesn't mean to forget and allow to happen again. People to often overlook that.

I probably get agitated or annoyed to much. It's hard juggling so much, every day.  If I roll my eyes and sigh loudly - it's because whatever you asked or did, I probably didn't need to be a part of it.  It's never ever, ever that I don't want to be there for you when you really need me, but once you reach a certain age, a person should be able to handle certain things without my help. I can't do it all!

I know I don't always talk respectfully. There is no excuse for that. I'm tired and worn out and sick of the same-old,same-old that is constant in my life right now. I have no "partner", it is me alone to balance it all. Speaking in a disrespectful tone is still wrong though.  No matter what the reason, no one should ever be made to feel small, even when they cause others to feel small. Two wrongs never make a right.

I am not perfect. I do not pretend to be. Growing, learning, changing, daily.

A work in progress and that's okay, we really all are.

Asleep or Awake Reality or Dream

I'm sitting here questioning if I should publish this post.  Am I going to offend any of my dear friends?  Are people going to think I've gone off my rocker?  The truth is everyone is not ready to hear all this.  The truth is; if this offends you, makes you mad, or changes the way you look at me; then maybe it's time for you to look deeper in yourself.  The truth is you're allowed to feel however you want about this post and about me.  I can't change it.  All I can do is be me.  To be honest, I welcome all discussions/opinions/thoughts.  I wrote what's in me and you are welcome to feel however you do about it.
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Asleep or Awake
Reality or Dream

When I was a child I remember being  told that God was all-knowing, and even though we had free will to do as we chose, God always knew the choice we'd make.  To me the image of myself standing in the middle of a doll house immediately came to my mind.  I saw God, as I would be when playing with my dolls. This vision stuck with me through the years and so did the sense of it being ludicrous. I remember thinking - "What's the point of being God if all you do all day is figure out what you want your dolls to do?"  I also remember thinking "What is free-will? Because if God already know exactly what I'm going to end up doing, it doesn't sound like I'll have many real choices..."

That was from the mind of eleven year old me.
Yes. I have always needed to know more, and I never take someone's word for anything, never have.

Another time someone told me that to get to heaven all I had to do was believe in the "One True Christian God".  I think I kind of shocked them when I replied "Almost all religions say they have the One True God, and how do you know they are wrong if they are as adamant in their rightness as you are?"  I had recently studied up on the major world religions and couldn't believe the similarities; despite the different terms. (Here I was maybe 15.)

I don't believe any of the above really matters in the proportion that humans put on it.  I truly believe that our, yes everyone's, soul really already knows this.  I have seen what happens when someone begins to look inward.  I have listened intently as I've prayed/blessed/surrounded myself/family/friends with the Holy Spirit.
I will say here that I do believe in God - I believe in prayers - I believe in kindness and truth.
I'll also say that I believe that religions have it wrong.
Religion equals division, where God wants us joined.
Separation NEVER works.

When my grandmother passed away over 3 years ago, someone said to me that I should get my kids to church.  That Granny would be so happy to see them there.  Without even thinking, and not even knowing it was coming, I stated "No, now that she's spirit, not physical, she knows it doesn't matter as much." I have to say that I was a little shocked to hear this, even as I spoke it.  It opened my eyes a little more to listening and feeling what was around me.

The statement I made caused me rethink my beliefs.  It made me delve into more.  
I had to find answers.  I looked within.
As I questioned and researched and listened - I really began to realize all the indoctrination that happens to everyone, without our even knowing it.  From the day we're born things are expected of us.  We are raised to think a certain way, to believe a certain way, to expect certain things from those around us.  Let me be clear here - no one is doing anything wrong, just doing what we as humans have 'known' to do.

This indoctrination is a form of 'brainwashing' that we don't even realize is happening.  It's very real though.  Just think of all the adults sitting in church simply because they've been going since they were children.  Just think of all the people living to "keep up with the Jones" no matter how unhappy they are in reality.

My children and I have had many discussions about "God".  I have always asked them how they thought or felt about everything.  I wanted them to know from the very beginning that they do know the answers.  God already gave them to us, all we need to do is listen.  To say I have great children is an understatement.  They amaze me every day.  When I say "Whoa, take a step back and rethink this before you move forward."  They do, as upset as the reminder may make them to start with. I have raised them to be the movers and shakers our world needs.

It takes a strong mind to question everything - and ignorance truly is bliss.  My hope is that everyone who reads this, agreeing with me or not, will look a little deeper within and find what's truly real and what is an illusion. Asleep or awake; Reality or dream... where are you?

Disclaimer: I am only a truth-seeker NOT one who claims to know it all or wants everyone to be like me or agree with me.  Find your own truth.  Find yourself.  Be happy.  Break through the illusions in your life and be real.  Open eyes bring with them an open heart and true peace.  That's all I want for everyone.

Breathe

I realized today that I catch myself holding my breath A LOT.

Teeth clench.

Almost in a trance.

Functioning fully, yet some where else completely.

Odd.

A little nerve wracking - okay maybe a little more than a little.

I seem to get sucked into my thoughts.

And to be honest, I've had A LOT to think about lately.

No anger.

No malice.

Just some big 'ol deep thoughts.

I find myself talking myself down.

"Take a deep breathe now, sweet stuff"

"This to shall pass"

"Will this matter tomorrow... next week... next year..."

"Let it go"

As I've said a million times emotions,

All that "feelings" mumbo jumbo, 

can try all they want to take over my conscientiousness -

but they never succeed.

Mind over matter.

Pure, simple truth.

Even.

If.

It's.

Scary.

Even if I don't want to believe it. 

Because I know that in the grande scheme of things, everything,

Literally everything,

Is meant to happen for a reason.

Our spirit knows exactly what that is,

And will never steer us wrong.

I have personally grown in leaps and bounds in the past few years.

I know it's worth it.

It's hard to remember all that sometimes though.

So hard to always remember.

That's okay, I promise!
It's the "human" curse. 

Try as we might,

It's inescapable.

So instead of fighting,

Fully release it.

Let it go.

Always realizing;

THIS TO SHALL PASS - the good AND the bad.

And the lesson will be learned even if it's months down the road.

Just remember to breathe through it all.

We got this.

A Whispered Calling

As the snow fell softly and soundlessly from the sky she stared up at the full moon.  Gorgeous.  Pure.  For some reason she did not know, but longed to understand, the moon called to her.  The pull was strongest when the moon was full; though each night she found herself stealing glimpses of the sky.  Joy filling her heart whenever she saw it.  A sighting would cause a peace to flow through her; calmness touching her very soul.  A distant memory flitting her thoughts that she couldn't fully remember.  Was it strange she thought, to yearn for a permanent place like this?  Away from the commotions of modern life.

For a few short seconds she seemed to be taken back.  She saw, but at the same time felt as if she were, a young girl standing on a small mountain looking out over the vast lands before her.  It was that odd time of day - the cusp between morning and night.  The sun rising, yet the moon shinning.  Down below her a small cottage lay, smoke puffing from the chimney.  The sunlight just starting to creep up the yard, but just before it could rise she was snapped back to reality.

A dog pawed at the door.  A child called out for "Mom".  The buzzer on the dryer went off.  Reality.  So much to do, but rarely time to do it all.  The daydream was over, yet the thoughts of the girl on the mountain clung to her.  She would visit the daydream again and learn more.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Childhood

The word childhood to me brings back memories of Doyle Road.  There we had leaf houses, trash can swimming pools, mattress gymnastics, backyard baseball or kick ball and child-run theater.  We also raised a baby bird, hatched close to 50 snapping turtle eggs, and ran our first business, a bakery called TED's.   My favorite tree was on Doyle Road; it had the perfect branch for me to climb up, snuggle in and read my latest book. And the lilac bush "fort", and the grape vine "woods" - so many fun memories.  A smile comes to my face whenever I think about it.  To go back to that place would feel like home.  If only it was place instead of a wrinkle in time.

While it's hard to pick just one of these memories, the goal today is to write of one, only one.  So hard to choose, but I can always come back to another one, on another day.  I choose TED's.

The year was probably 1991 or '92.  I had to have been at least 11, actually I'll say 1992, because if I was any less than 12, we wouldn't have been able to make deliveries.  (I couldn't ride my bike on the road until I was 12 - funny how at least 2 younger siblings were allowed to come with me.)  Making chocolate chip cookies at my childhood home was as common as apple juice (meaning it was almost a daily occurrence.)  I think I had the recipe memorized by age 10.  This Summer my friend Danielle and I decided to share our delicious creations with the neighborhood, for a price (which escapes me all these years later). 

First we had to come up with a name.  I can't remember what names were suggested but I know why we settled on TED's - Theresa Erin Danielle.  I also remember being a horrid big sister and telling Erin that she wasn't really a part of our business plan; we were just using her name so our business name would work.  I don't think she really cared because I know she did end up helping to make the cookies and deliver them.  After coming up with a name we made order pamphlets, I believe on Danielle's computer. (She was the cool kid with a computer AND The Oregon Trail game!)

After we had our pamphlets we went door-to-door in our neighborhood taking orders for a dozen chocolate chip or a dozen sugar cookies.  Delivery day would be on Saturday, I recall this specifically because I remember even back then counting in my head how many days we would have to make the dozens of cookies that were sure to be ordered.  We ended up with only a few dozen chocolate chip cookies to make and I was relieved about that for some reason.

On Saturday we made fresh chocolate chip cookies and packaged them in baggies.  We had 3 deliveries to make - the Zink's, Mr Goloski's, and the Darling's.  I was so excited about delivering to the Darling's house.  The Zink's we saw often, and Mr Goloski lived right next door.  The Darling's  house was beautiful with a long, smooth driveway (AND their name was right out of Peter Pan!)  I have no memory of the people living there, only the house, the name, and the story in my head.  

With money in our pockets and deliveries done we continued on our bikes down to Olive Road.  It was a newer road - freshly paved and so smooth.  We loved ridding our bikes up and down the road, wind blowing through my hair as I traveled the flat, level surface.  Turning towards home, I was already thinking up the next idea. (TED's was a short-lived business that lasted that week alone, but we were kids, and had so much more to do!)

Strange sounds in the night - Daily writing exercise

Slowly, slowly, she inched down the stairs.  Reluctantly.  Hair tousled from a fitful sleep, goosebumps raising on her arms as she dragged her sock clad feet forward.  The incessant scratching and moaning had become to much.  Though she dreaded what lay ahead, she dreaded being alone and imagining what it was going on to be worse.  As she reached the bottom of the stairs the noises seemed to disappear.  She took a deep, quiet breath, and peeked around the corner.  Nothing. 

This was impossible.  When she was lying in her bed, just above this very room she had heard it below her.  A scratching noise, that at first she had assumed to be a tree branch or raccoon, but when it had awoken her a second time with a faint moan joining in, she knew it was something else.  At first she had sat dead still, wrapped tightly in her blanket, willing the sound away.  When it had not gone she knew she had to find out what it was.

The first thing she had done was check on her roommate.  Angela was passed out cold.  Even calling her name did not rouse her.  So she had gone to figure out what was happening on her own.  She took another deep breath and looked slowly around the basement.  Nothing seemed out of place.  All was silent.  

As she turned to head back up the stairs she heard a whimper near the door.  Instantly the hairs on the back of her neck went up and a chill ran down her spine.  She slowly turned back towards the door, praying for protection as she did so.  When she saw what was sitting by the door she exhaled loudly.  Relief slid over her.  There by the door was a mother cat, who had evidently just given birth.  Four little kittens were nuzzled up to her nursing peacefully.  

Grateful that the horrors she had imagined were unfounded and untrue, she gathered a box with some soft blankets for the mama cat and kittens.  Gently she moved them all to the box and headed upstairs to get the starving new mother some food.  Once she had done so, and feeling more at ease, but exhausted, she headed back to the comfort of her bed and the soft, cozy blankets she had abandoned.  Snuggled in, she reached down to tenderly pat her new feline friends.  Tomorrow she would find out if they belonged to anyone, tonight their purring would lure her to sleep.

Contemplating Art - Day 1 of my writing every day challenge

They had been here before. Hearts beating in unison as the rain beat down on the little covering they had. It was years ago, seemed like ages ago, but here they are again.

She looked up at him; tears welling in her brown eyes. He was the only man she had ever loved, ever wanted. It was sad how much everything had changed. What once was, though she was terrified to admit, would never be again without a miracle.  They loved each other, always would,  but to much was missing.

She needed more.  As time progressed, he has forgotten that there were still adventures to have and new things to learn. He didn't know her anymore, and sometimes she struggled to know him.

He leaned down, drips of rain catching in his hair, and kissed her forehead softly.  She longed to fold herself into him,  to forget it all. At the same time she was hit with the realization that to do that would only prolong the inevitable and cause more confusion for them both.

To pull away seemed like the nicest thing she could do, the only thing she could do.  For him and for her.  So she did, the tears streaming down her face & blending with the rain falling from the sky. She gave him one last look as she turned away. Saw the pain in his eyes that mimicked her own, but she knew deep down this was for the best.

Unfortunately, the right thing often is the most painful.