I have finally realized what I need from you.

There is no way around it - because the very same thing that pulls me from you, draws me towards you.

You hurt me. You hurt me to the very core of everything I thought - believed - we had.

When you chose to run away and hide from the sad, hard reality I was facing all those years ago, you took with you all the things about you I held so dear. 

You abandoned me. 

You left me, not only to overcome this deep heart-wrenching loss, but also to fend for myself and our children. 

Alone.

You know all this. I have no need to bring up details or open up old wounds.
The problem is that despite my being able to forgive you, and yes, move forward in most ways - I have never received the acknowledgement from you that this did indeed happen. 

Though you have said your "sorrys" and apologized, I have never felt it sincerely. No changes were ever made to make it right. No actions were taken to show me you'd try your hardest not to let it happen again.

What's more, you have never taken the time to fully realize how absolutely destructive this loss of you - when you were needed the very most - was to me, to our relationship. 

I have grown stronger, wiser, perhaps somewhat intimidating, but there is no going backwards for me.

Because my heart is still so raw from this lack of recognition, I see you and it stings.

You, who are so incredibly capable, and even claim that you want the same love story I do - but broken, stubborn, unwilling to be uncomfortable in the slightest - even if it means you loose the woman you claim to cherish more than anything.

It's incomprehensible to me. I do not get it.

_______________________________________________

I see you're drowning, so I throw you this life-saving rope, however, because I'm the one who threw it, you refuse to accept, and instead are pulled under by the current. I stand on the shore baffled and saddened by the loss of you. I am not sure you'll resurface, and reach for the rope, or if I've lost you forever. Either way, I stay watching, hoping - just in case. Unfortunately, I've been standing on this shore, tears streaming down my face, for far to long already and maybe I need to accept the reality is, you will not.