One day she just decided that no matter what happened; good or bad, she was just where she was meant to be. And that was perfect, because it meant that she was headed in the direction of her destiny and learning all she needed to learn in her quest to be the best 'her' she could be. Happiness is afterall a choice.
So I wrote that, and I feel it in my depth of depths.
I've gone through all the stages of grief with this one...
1) Shock and Denial
2) Pain and Guilt
3) Anger
4) Bargaining and Begging
5) Depression
6) Reconstruction 7) ACCEPTANCE (together or separate - I'm not sure...)
I could go through this list and point out exactly when I was feeling that way. Human emotions are a tricky thing. You can be the strongest person, with an amazing clear-thinking mind, but emotions can make the sanest of people crazy. There are times emotions CAN NOT be controlled.
I remember many a night, tears streaming down my face, while I argued with myself. I knew truths in my head but fear would continuously knock me sideways.
As cliché as it may sound, I can now say "I've been there." "I've gone through that too." "I understand how you are feeling." Before they may have been just words, but now I can truly appreciate another in this situation.
I also understand that no matter what someone else says - you have to work out things for yourself. You have to go through these stages on your own and there are no time-frames, no secrets, and no quick fixes. All I can guarantee you is YOU WILL MAKE IT.
So, I'm going to say it again, only this way:
One day Theresa just decided that no matter what happened; good or bad, she was just where she was meant to be. And that was perfect, because it meant that she was headed in the direction of her destiny and learning all she needed to learn in her quest to be the best 'her' she could be. Happiness is afterall a choice.
Thursday, December 12, 2013
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Only expecting what I know you can give
More than likely you won't even read this, I'm okay with that. I've come to realize that I love you enough to accept you as you are. I'm not as much lowering my expectations as coming to expect only what I know you can give. Of course there will be days I want more, but you are the one I chose.
This does not mean that you are free to always do as you wish or that it's acceptable for you to put yourself first before me or your children - it means that just because you don't show me love in all the ways I would like you to, I know you are doing it in your way. I see the twinkle coming back into your eyes when you look at me and I know that we are finally, again, at a place where we will be okay.
I wish you would realize that it's alright to disagree. It's even fine to fight sometimes. Some of the very best conversations come from two disagreeing adults who respectfully share their point. It's accepting a person for the whole package - opinions, faults, and perfections. Just because we don't agree on something doesn't mean that I don't like you or that I don't respect your thoughts. I do - I also respect my own though. I wouldn't be me without my standards, without my moral compass. This makes me a stronger person. I can like, and even be friends with a person who doesn't share the same exact values - to each his own - I don't judge. If you're uncomfortable with this part of me, or with the fact that I am strong, have my own opinions and won't take the bullshit, move on.
I will be fine without you. The truth is, you're here because I want you. Because I am madly in love with you and want to share a life with you - NOT because I need you for any other reason than I would miss you if you were gone.
Lies are unacceptable, but if you are willing to be honest, and once again trust-worthy I want to keep you... any discovered secrets will change this, as I think you've finally begun to realize. I am looking forward and believing that this won't happen.
I want to thank you for the steps you have taken to make our family feel we are important to you. Did you know that almost every time you have taken the time to sit with or talk with one of the boys - no matter what they were doing - has been noted? By THEM, not me. Just the other day Jadan told me, "Dad came into my room and let me show him all my stuff on my game!" He was so excited that you were there, genuinely present. After we ate at the restaurant a few Sundays ago Ethan says "It was fun that dad helped me with that paper (the kid's menu activities)!" If these simple little things didn't matter they wouldn't have thought to share, they wouldn't have remembered it happened. Because they value you, because they want you to be a part of their lives, they remember even the littlest things you do. "Little by little a little becomes a lot."
Believe me, I know it's hard, I'm right there with you. We are their role models and need to be the best models we can be for them. They see our good behaviors and our bad. They learn how to deal with things by watching how we deal with it. It's overwhelming! The world's a tough place and I want to make sure our children have all the tools they need to succeed - being the best example possible for them is the only way to do this. Actions speak so much louder than words. I know I fail on a regular basis, but I try, I put the effort in, and no matter how I'm feeling do what needs to be done. I think parenthood is the hardest job on the planet. You are stuck being the absolute best on the same day you're the absolute worst and every decision or action we take can directly affect our kids. It's a lot. It makes it so much easier when you have a partner to share the good and bad with.
This past year has been the worst year of my life. But it is over. The one thing that I know about hardships is that God gives them to you to make you grow to your potential, to teach you lessons and make you a better person. For that I am thankful. I was able to see things I needed to change in myself. I was able to see and understand things from another perspective. I was given the wisdom I needed to make my life better and the ability to say "I've been there." to others that need help working through something similar. I've learned that there are lessons no one can teach you but yourself.
As we come to the next chapter, I hope that we can evolve together. I hope we can become all we're meant to be, both together and individually. We got this. There is no one else I'd rather go through life with; struggles and the joys. I know it's been hard for you too, thank you for sticking it out. We have an extraordinary destiny to achieve. We were put together for a reason. Great marriages don’t just happen. You have to work on them and fight for them. Bottom-line: You are worth it. We are worth it. I want you. I love you!
This does not mean that you are free to always do as you wish or that it's acceptable for you to put yourself first before me or your children - it means that just because you don't show me love in all the ways I would like you to, I know you are doing it in your way. I see the twinkle coming back into your eyes when you look at me and I know that we are finally, again, at a place where we will be okay.
I wish you would realize that it's alright to disagree. It's even fine to fight sometimes. Some of the very best conversations come from two disagreeing adults who respectfully share their point. It's accepting a person for the whole package - opinions, faults, and perfections. Just because we don't agree on something doesn't mean that I don't like you or that I don't respect your thoughts. I do - I also respect my own though. I wouldn't be me without my standards, without my moral compass. This makes me a stronger person. I can like, and even be friends with a person who doesn't share the same exact values - to each his own - I don't judge. If you're uncomfortable with this part of me, or with the fact that I am strong, have my own opinions and won't take the bullshit, move on.
I will be fine without you. The truth is, you're here because I want you. Because I am madly in love with you and want to share a life with you - NOT because I need you for any other reason than I would miss you if you were gone.
Lies are unacceptable, but if you are willing to be honest, and once again trust-worthy I want to keep you... any discovered secrets will change this, as I think you've finally begun to realize. I am looking forward and believing that this won't happen.
I want to thank you for the steps you have taken to make our family feel we are important to you. Did you know that almost every time you have taken the time to sit with or talk with one of the boys - no matter what they were doing - has been noted? By THEM, not me. Just the other day Jadan told me, "Dad came into my room and let me show him all my stuff on my game!" He was so excited that you were there, genuinely present. After we ate at the restaurant a few Sundays ago Ethan says "It was fun that dad helped me with that paper (the kid's menu activities)!" If these simple little things didn't matter they wouldn't have thought to share, they wouldn't have remembered it happened. Because they value you, because they want you to be a part of their lives, they remember even the littlest things you do. "Little by little a little becomes a lot."
Believe me, I know it's hard, I'm right there with you. We are their role models and need to be the best models we can be for them. They see our good behaviors and our bad. They learn how to deal with things by watching how we deal with it. It's overwhelming! The world's a tough place and I want to make sure our children have all the tools they need to succeed - being the best example possible for them is the only way to do this. Actions speak so much louder than words. I know I fail on a regular basis, but I try, I put the effort in, and no matter how I'm feeling do what needs to be done. I think parenthood is the hardest job on the planet. You are stuck being the absolute best on the same day you're the absolute worst and every decision or action we take can directly affect our kids. It's a lot. It makes it so much easier when you have a partner to share the good and bad with.
This past year has been the worst year of my life. But it is over. The one thing that I know about hardships is that God gives them to you to make you grow to your potential, to teach you lessons and make you a better person. For that I am thankful. I was able to see things I needed to change in myself. I was able to see and understand things from another perspective. I was given the wisdom I needed to make my life better and the ability to say "I've been there." to others that need help working through something similar. I've learned that there are lessons no one can teach you but yourself.
As we come to the next chapter, I hope that we can evolve together. I hope we can become all we're meant to be, both together and individually. We got this. There is no one else I'd rather go through life with; struggles and the joys. I know it's been hard for you too, thank you for sticking it out. We have an extraordinary destiny to achieve. We were put together for a reason. Great marriages don’t just happen. You have to work on them and fight for them. Bottom-line: You are worth it. We are worth it. I want you. I love you!
Saturday, October 26, 2013
From Here to the Moon and Back (audio)
To my boys and my whole family! To the moon and back... always!
Saturday, October 12, 2013
Boys = Crazy, dirty, sometimes smelly fun
I am the mother of 3 little boys; ages 12, 11, and 9. Though all things boy wasn't anything new to me, since I have 3 little brothers of my own, being the mother to little boys takes some getting used to. They tend to be a little louder, a little more adventurous, and quite a bit more rambunctious than most little girls - and certainly more than this girl.
As they've grown I've learned to roll with the punches. To try to only scold when real scolding is needed. To sit and watch their imaginations create some of the best shows in the world. To pretend I'm giving them freedom by staying in the background and letting them do their thing when really I'm there front and center watching in case "their thing" goes wrong.
And I almost always let them do their thing - climbing, jumping, running, throwing, wrestling, catching, creating, exploring. My goal is to teach them how to do things in the safest way possible and to let them fall occasionally so they learn from their mistakes. No secrets in this house.
You see, I'd rather them tell me they are sledding off the roof in the middle of winter or jumping out of the tree onto the trampoline then it be a big secret and have someone get hurt but not be truthful about how it happened.
I feel like they are going to do some things in life that aren't safe or smart but I'd rather know the plan and be able to prepare them for what could go wrong before they make the choice to do it. That way they will learn to make smart choices and know outcomes aren't always what they'd think or hope.
I like to think of it as supervised rough-housing. Letting boys be boys by observing and teaching instead of forcing them to be something they aren't, instead of telling them how they are supposed to be.
They need to be able to express themselves and be themselves. They learn best through doing, through playing. Boys need to move and be hands-on. It doesn't do them any good to have them sit around, playing quietly - it's like asking a little boy to misbehave. Keep them busy and all will be good.
I've learned that the muddy footprints on the floor and the handprints on my windows will actually disappear before I'm ready for them to be gone, so for now I'm going to enjoy my little men and their friends and hope my home continues to be a place all of them want to come to.
As they've grown I've learned to roll with the punches. To try to only scold when real scolding is needed. To sit and watch their imaginations create some of the best shows in the world. To pretend I'm giving them freedom by staying in the background and letting them do their thing when really I'm there front and center watching in case "their thing" goes wrong.
And I almost always let them do their thing - climbing, jumping, running, throwing, wrestling, catching, creating, exploring. My goal is to teach them how to do things in the safest way possible and to let them fall occasionally so they learn from their mistakes. No secrets in this house.
You see, I'd rather them tell me they are sledding off the roof in the middle of winter or jumping out of the tree onto the trampoline then it be a big secret and have someone get hurt but not be truthful about how it happened.
I feel like they are going to do some things in life that aren't safe or smart but I'd rather know the plan and be able to prepare them for what could go wrong before they make the choice to do it. That way they will learn to make smart choices and know outcomes aren't always what they'd think or hope.
I like to think of it as supervised rough-housing. Letting boys be boys by observing and teaching instead of forcing them to be something they aren't, instead of telling them how they are supposed to be.
They need to be able to express themselves and be themselves. They learn best through doing, through playing. Boys need to move and be hands-on. It doesn't do them any good to have them sit around, playing quietly - it's like asking a little boy to misbehave. Keep them busy and all will be good.
I've learned that the muddy footprints on the floor and the handprints on my windows will actually disappear before I'm ready for them to be gone, so for now I'm going to enjoy my little men and their friends and hope my home continues to be a place all of them want to come to.
Sunday, October 6, 2013
Missing You
I have been trying to write this so many times in the past few weeks. When you put something in writing, it really seems permanent and complete. Some times that is one of the hardest things for me.
Not a day goes by that I don't think about my Granny. This month marks one whole year since I saw her - since I was able to sit and talk to her about everything and anything - since I was able to feel her arms around me - since I was able to hear her laugh. So many things have changed in a year. The boys have grown so much. There are so many things I'd love to tell her, things that she would always just know about my life that I can no longer share with her. She pops into my head every time the boys come home from school with a story or get a good grade on a paper or something funny happens or they do good in sports... all the time! Every time I take a good photo - see for years I always got doubles of all my pictures, I sometimes still do out of habit. I know she's "here" and I can feel her sometimes, but we all know that 's not the same.
A few month ago my cousin Heather and I went to Uncle Brian's and got the boxes of old family photos. I've been going through them and trying to get as many as possible scanned into the computer. So many memories, so many years. Since I was a little girl one of my favorite things was going to spend the night with Granny and without a doubt I would end up in the basement looking through the old photos. I would pick out a handful, bring them to her at the kitchen table, and listen to her share all the memories the photos triggered. I remember for the first time seeing my daddy and uncles in my head as little kids. Realizing that they were in a sense, just like me and my siblings/cousins. It was so mesmerizing to me. I loved seeing the photos of Granny as a young girl and mother. Those photos of her with her boys make me feel even closer to her. She once was in the very same place I am with my boys. Still mesmerizes me. I love that connection.
Her stories are one of the things I miss the most. No matter what was going on in my life a visit with her was like a recharge. The boys and I liked to stop at Wegman's (for a sub picnic) or McDonald's (for caramel sundaes) on our way over to visit. We would sit in the garden when it was warm and she would watch the boys play tag or trying to find the frogs in the little pond just smiling. We would sit the little café when it was cooler. Granny digging through her little purse for coins so the boys could each have their very own soda - no sharing allowed, drinking her coffee and story-telling or listening to the boys tell their stories. The boys loved her as much as she loved them. They always wanted to go visit, even asking to go if we hadn't been recently.
Ethan (age 9) still brings up Granny at least once a month. He drew a picture of him and her on the cover of his art journal for school. A blessing and a curse for my sweet sensitive boy. I'm so glad to know that he was so close to her, but so sad to see the twinge of pain in his eyes when he brings her up. I don't want him to forget her but I never thought it would be this hard for him since he was so young. Last year about this time Ethan (who always had short hair) decided to grow out his curls. I remember getting him ready for school and without thinking saying "I can't wait to show Granny your curls!" He looked at me and said in the sweetest way "We can't go show her mom, but I know she sees them and loves them!" It took everything in me to hold myself together until the bus came. My sweet, sweet boy.
Christopher has a photo of Granny and him together on his shelf, right next to her "Shoot for the Stars" angel. He knows that's exactly what she would want him to do. I make sure he knows how proud she'd be of him. Jadan is always a little harder to read. He knows there is nothing he can do to change the fact that she's gone, so he tries to just pretend it never happened. He's the stoic one in this house, but he also has one of her angels on his shelf.
I am so blessed to have had such a great relationship with Granny. She was more than a grandmother to me, she was a friend and confidant. I enjoyed her and I was even more blessed to be able to share that relationship with my children as well. I still hear her voice in my head some days when I need some encouragement. I don't think a day will ever go bye that I don't in some way think of her. At least there are so many smiles in the tears and that make it all worth it.
Not a day goes by that I don't think about my Granny. This month marks one whole year since I saw her - since I was able to sit and talk to her about everything and anything - since I was able to feel her arms around me - since I was able to hear her laugh. So many things have changed in a year. The boys have grown so much. There are so many things I'd love to tell her, things that she would always just know about my life that I can no longer share with her. She pops into my head every time the boys come home from school with a story or get a good grade on a paper or something funny happens or they do good in sports... all the time! Every time I take a good photo - see for years I always got doubles of all my pictures, I sometimes still do out of habit. I know she's "here" and I can feel her sometimes, but we all know that 's not the same.
A few month ago my cousin Heather and I went to Uncle Brian's and got the boxes of old family photos. I've been going through them and trying to get as many as possible scanned into the computer. So many memories, so many years. Since I was a little girl one of my favorite things was going to spend the night with Granny and without a doubt I would end up in the basement looking through the old photos. I would pick out a handful, bring them to her at the kitchen table, and listen to her share all the memories the photos triggered. I remember for the first time seeing my daddy and uncles in my head as little kids. Realizing that they were in a sense, just like me and my siblings/cousins. It was so mesmerizing to me. I loved seeing the photos of Granny as a young girl and mother. Those photos of her with her boys make me feel even closer to her. She once was in the very same place I am with my boys. Still mesmerizes me. I love that connection.
Her stories are one of the things I miss the most. No matter what was going on in my life a visit with her was like a recharge. The boys and I liked to stop at Wegman's (for a sub picnic) or McDonald's (for caramel sundaes) on our way over to visit. We would sit in the garden when it was warm and she would watch the boys play tag or trying to find the frogs in the little pond just smiling. We would sit the little café when it was cooler. Granny digging through her little purse for coins so the boys could each have their very own soda - no sharing allowed, drinking her coffee and story-telling or listening to the boys tell their stories. The boys loved her as much as she loved them. They always wanted to go visit, even asking to go if we hadn't been recently.
Ethan (age 9) still brings up Granny at least once a month. He drew a picture of him and her on the cover of his art journal for school. A blessing and a curse for my sweet sensitive boy. I'm so glad to know that he was so close to her, but so sad to see the twinge of pain in his eyes when he brings her up. I don't want him to forget her but I never thought it would be this hard for him since he was so young. Last year about this time Ethan (who always had short hair) decided to grow out his curls. I remember getting him ready for school and without thinking saying "I can't wait to show Granny your curls!" He looked at me and said in the sweetest way "We can't go show her mom, but I know she sees them and loves them!" It took everything in me to hold myself together until the bus came. My sweet, sweet boy.
Christopher has a photo of Granny and him together on his shelf, right next to her "Shoot for the Stars" angel. He knows that's exactly what she would want him to do. I make sure he knows how proud she'd be of him. Jadan is always a little harder to read. He knows there is nothing he can do to change the fact that she's gone, so he tries to just pretend it never happened. He's the stoic one in this house, but he also has one of her angels on his shelf.
I am so blessed to have had such a great relationship with Granny. She was more than a grandmother to me, she was a friend and confidant. I enjoyed her and I was even more blessed to be able to share that relationship with my children as well. I still hear her voice in my head some days when I need some encouragement. I don't think a day will ever go bye that I don't in some way think of her. At least there are so many smiles in the tears and that make it all worth it.
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
All you Need...
Until recently I thought love was "all you need". Now I know that's not completely true. I mean, yes, if we could live in a box or stay frozen in one of those special moments you have with your special some one love IS all you need; but the reality is we have to go out in the world. We have to deal with real life. There will be arguments and disagreements but overall, we have to be on the same page, if you're not, you'll need more. Love that isn't willing to go above and beyond for the other - is still love, but it's not all you need. It probably won't be enough.
Monday, September 9, 2013
Hard talks. Awesome son.
The inevitable has happened. But despite that I don't think I'm quite ready.
After I put the younger boys to bed tonight I sat down with my oldest son to have one of those conversations you always think you have a few more years before you have to have. I'm not talking about sex or drugs or any illegal behavior. Those that know me know I'm pretty open with my kids. There isn't much we haven't talked about and their moral compasses are on the right track.
This talk was about how hard it can be to fully know a right from a wrong, but to be in a place where wrong is "right". This talk was about how I fully trust my son, how awkward and uncomfortable these situations can be, and how he 100% will be in a place like this some day, probably multiple times. Peer pressure. (Ugh, do I really have a son this old?!?!?!)
We talked about how there will be decisions he'll have to make on his own. Things to do and places to go that will be his choice alone. I can prepare him, I can give him the tools he needs to make the right decisions but I can't always be there. I can't always guide him. He will need to be free to learn from his mistakes and grow into his own person. I'll always be there no matter what, but he's growing up, whether I like it or not.
I thought I would get the eye-rolls and shoulder shrugs teenagers are known for, instead I had this young man sit next to me and have a full conversation. He told me some of his thoughts and fears. He told me he understood. He made sure I knew that he understood. When our talk was over he gave me a hug and asked me if I had any pimple cream he could use...
God, I'm not ready for this! However, I am amazed and so proud of the young man I now have living under my roof. Thank you!
After I put the younger boys to bed tonight I sat down with my oldest son to have one of those conversations you always think you have a few more years before you have to have. I'm not talking about sex or drugs or any illegal behavior. Those that know me know I'm pretty open with my kids. There isn't much we haven't talked about and their moral compasses are on the right track.
This talk was about how hard it can be to fully know a right from a wrong, but to be in a place where wrong is "right". This talk was about how I fully trust my son, how awkward and uncomfortable these situations can be, and how he 100% will be in a place like this some day, probably multiple times. Peer pressure. (Ugh, do I really have a son this old?!?!?!)
We talked about how there will be decisions he'll have to make on his own. Things to do and places to go that will be his choice alone. I can prepare him, I can give him the tools he needs to make the right decisions but I can't always be there. I can't always guide him. He will need to be free to learn from his mistakes and grow into his own person. I'll always be there no matter what, but he's growing up, whether I like it or not.
I thought I would get the eye-rolls and shoulder shrugs teenagers are known for, instead I had this young man sit next to me and have a full conversation. He told me some of his thoughts and fears. He told me he understood. He made sure I knew that he understood. When our talk was over he gave me a hug and asked me if I had any pimple cream he could use...
God, I'm not ready for this! However, I am amazed and so proud of the young man I now have living under my roof. Thank you!
Sunday, September 8, 2013
Land-Owners
So the land has been purchased. Completed. Bought. I still don't know if it was the right decision but the boys are excited. We went there today to walk the perimeter and explore a little. They were so happy. Already pointing out exactly where they want "their" log fort to be and "claiming" their trees. With 3 boys I think everything will always be an adventure... and a fight.
They are planning out their next big thing. Picturing in their heads exactly what they'd like the new house, yard and their bedrooms to look like. I can't lie, I'm doing the same. Just in my head there is still the doubt. Now we have the land but I'm I just going to end up disappointing them (and me) again...
We were supposed to close on the land back in December 2012. Here it is September 2013. It was us holding off. Not doubting the big commitment of land but doubting our marriage. I do feel we had somewhat of a moral obligation to the land owner because we initiated the sale, but I still don't feel it was the best thing to do for us.
What's next? There will be the big job of clearing the area for a house. I'll have to speak to a couple banks to see what kind of builder's loan we can get. Then comes the stressful house-building... if we get that far.
See I am an optimist - I want things to work out - but I'm also not someone who can wait forever. I know that I can do-have-get what ever I need or want, I'm just that kind of person, but I'm a little confused right now as to what those are right now. It sucks when all you get is "I'm trying..."
They are planning out their next big thing. Picturing in their heads exactly what they'd like the new house, yard and their bedrooms to look like. I can't lie, I'm doing the same. Just in my head there is still the doubt. Now we have the land but I'm I just going to end up disappointing them (and me) again...
We were supposed to close on the land back in December 2012. Here it is September 2013. It was us holding off. Not doubting the big commitment of land but doubting our marriage. I do feel we had somewhat of a moral obligation to the land owner because we initiated the sale, but I still don't feel it was the best thing to do for us.
What's next? There will be the big job of clearing the area for a house. I'll have to speak to a couple banks to see what kind of builder's loan we can get. Then comes the stressful house-building... if we get that far.
See I am an optimist - I want things to work out - but I'm also not someone who can wait forever. I know that I can do-have-get what ever I need or want, I'm just that kind of person, but I'm a little confused right now as to what those are right now. It sucks when all you get is "I'm trying..."
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
More Important than the Show
Watching my kids (or any kid really)
- do something new
- see something new
- experience something new.
- do something new
- see something new
- experience something new.
Best thing ever.
Watching their faces not what they're watching.
Hearing their laughter not just the joke.
Seeing the sparkle in their eyes when they're smiling.
Best thing ever.
Another best thing - seeing someone else seeing what's more important than the show and watching them enjoy catching that glimpse of pure joy.
Best thing ever.
I am one lucky girl to have so much of that all around me and parents that made sure I always saw more than what was right in front of me.
Summer Ending Just Means Some New Beginnings.
This morning I woke up earlier than usual and ventured into each of my boys' room to make sure they were rising with the sun too. Today was the first day of school. Summer is over. I know people say it all the time, but it's still crazy - Time passes far to quickly.
Christopher starts 7th grade this year... SEVENTH. I took him to get his haircut today and it was like a transformation. I went in there with my first baby, my precious son-shine, and although he's still the same, when all was said and done out walked a handsome teenager.
I remember when he was in kindergarten. I remember the very moment I realized that as small as he was, and as much as he still needed me, my baby now had a life of his own and that I didn't necessarily (and never would again) know everyone that he knows. He was 5 years old and we were at the YMCA swim lessons. He looked at me and said "Mom, I want to go say 'hi' to him." and he pointed at this life guard. At first I looked at him, baffled, and asked him why. He told me he was a teacher's helper and had played in class with him earlier. I gave my son a smile and an okay. He went right over and had a little conversation with this lifeguard, who remembered him and made him feel so special. I don't remember the guy's name, but I'll always remember how special he made my boy feel and that very moment my boy had a life outside of mom.
That first realization as a mother is always the hardest. I wanted to cry and smile at the same time. So proud of my little man, but so sad that as each day passed my little man was becoming a bigger man. It goes by so quickly. And so it goes with each of my sons.
Jadan is going into 6th grade. As the middle child, he's in a "been there, done that" place. It's not as hard to let him go, but I'm just as proud of all he is becoming. He has a special gift. No matter how bad your day is, no matter what goes wrong, this little boy can make you smile. Between that and 'empathy' being his middle name - he is such an amazing genuine guy.
Last year Jadan had his first "crush". As a 10 year old I fully expected my boys to get crushes soon... but maybe not like this and maybe not as soon. Jadan would come home from school and daydream about her. He would tell me stories about funny things she said or did. He made me scared to think of what high school and real girlfriends would bring - but that's just my Jadan. He becomes fully devoted and genuinely concerned about anything he cares about. He admitted to me earlier today that this girl still crosses his mind and he doesn't know if he'll ever like anyone else, but thankfully (for this mama anyways) said girl has moved away. Hopefully my sweet boy will get a little more mature before next crush comes along. Only time will tell - his heart is beautiful.
Ethan, my littlest love, is going to 3rd grade this year. He had a hard time this morning. Not in a "I'm not going!" kind of way, but in a "tummy-hurts-I'm-so-nervous" way. He is my fire-cracker. High emotions, yet no fear. Dennis the Menace with dark hair. His day was fun as I expected. He bounced off the bus and into my arms the same way he always has. He has some old friends in his classroom and he made some new ones. He loves his teacher. Just what a mom wants to hear. I'm happy for him. He is my sweet baby baby boy.
Sending your baby is as hard, if not worse, than sending your firstborn. When the baby goes it's over. It's not so much you're not needed anymore, as it's you're not wanted quite so much. Not that I think my boys will ever not want me, but they are coming into their own independence. Their own thoughts, their own struggles, their own joys. I can't always be a part of that and I have to accept it and be steadfast and always there when it's important to be. They can always count on me and they know it.
As the new school year starts I look forward to seeing how my mini men grow and change and learn. I am so proud of all they are becoming. I already see how amazing they are and know as they take these steps without me, others will see it too because that is who they are, not just what I'm raising them to be.
Christopher starts 7th grade this year... SEVENTH. I took him to get his haircut today and it was like a transformation. I went in there with my first baby, my precious son-shine, and although he's still the same, when all was said and done out walked a handsome teenager.
I remember when he was in kindergarten. I remember the very moment I realized that as small as he was, and as much as he still needed me, my baby now had a life of his own and that I didn't necessarily (and never would again) know everyone that he knows. He was 5 years old and we were at the YMCA swim lessons. He looked at me and said "Mom, I want to go say 'hi' to him." and he pointed at this life guard. At first I looked at him, baffled, and asked him why. He told me he was a teacher's helper and had played in class with him earlier. I gave my son a smile and an okay. He went right over and had a little conversation with this lifeguard, who remembered him and made him feel so special. I don't remember the guy's name, but I'll always remember how special he made my boy feel and that very moment my boy had a life outside of mom.
That first realization as a mother is always the hardest. I wanted to cry and smile at the same time. So proud of my little man, but so sad that as each day passed my little man was becoming a bigger man. It goes by so quickly. And so it goes with each of my sons.
Jadan is going into 6th grade. As the middle child, he's in a "been there, done that" place. It's not as hard to let him go, but I'm just as proud of all he is becoming. He has a special gift. No matter how bad your day is, no matter what goes wrong, this little boy can make you smile. Between that and 'empathy' being his middle name - he is such an amazing genuine guy.
Last year Jadan had his first "crush". As a 10 year old I fully expected my boys to get crushes soon... but maybe not like this and maybe not as soon. Jadan would come home from school and daydream about her. He would tell me stories about funny things she said or did. He made me scared to think of what high school and real girlfriends would bring - but that's just my Jadan. He becomes fully devoted and genuinely concerned about anything he cares about. He admitted to me earlier today that this girl still crosses his mind and he doesn't know if he'll ever like anyone else, but thankfully (for this mama anyways) said girl has moved away. Hopefully my sweet boy will get a little more mature before next crush comes along. Only time will tell - his heart is beautiful.
Ethan, my littlest love, is going to 3rd grade this year. He had a hard time this morning. Not in a "I'm not going!" kind of way, but in a "tummy-hurts-I'm-so-nervous" way. He is my fire-cracker. High emotions, yet no fear. Dennis the Menace with dark hair. His day was fun as I expected. He bounced off the bus and into my arms the same way he always has. He has some old friends in his classroom and he made some new ones. He loves his teacher. Just what a mom wants to hear. I'm happy for him. He is my sweet baby baby boy.
Sending your baby is as hard, if not worse, than sending your firstborn. When the baby goes it's over. It's not so much you're not needed anymore, as it's you're not wanted quite so much. Not that I think my boys will ever not want me, but they are coming into their own independence. Their own thoughts, their own struggles, their own joys. I can't always be a part of that and I have to accept it and be steadfast and always there when it's important to be. They can always count on me and they know it.
As the new school year starts I look forward to seeing how my mini men grow and change and learn. I am so proud of all they are becoming. I already see how amazing they are and know as they take these steps without me, others will see it too because that is who they are, not just what I'm raising them to be.
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Going with the Flow
One thing I've learned in the past few months is that letting go can be painful, but fighting the pain and negativity is so much more painful than just releasing yourself to the flow of life. It's so silly that we humans continually fight the things we can not change. It's easier said then done, but your life is your story to write and no one else can make your ending.
I remember being in labor the first time, the seemingly spine-shattering contractions that wreaked my body. I remember all my muscles tensing up to confront these pains that no one should ever feel. I struggled against the spasms that felt so much like death, even though I knew they would bring life. That was when it hit me. To breathe, to relax, to go with the flow of what was coming whether I was ready for it or not. My reaction to the contractions would not make them stop. I could tense up and fight them or relax and let my body do what it was made to do. A peace came over me and I felt the pain subsiding. It didn't disappear; it just now had a greater purpose, and as I consciously pictured in my mind the job my body was destined to do, the pain became manageable. It was there, but because I accepted it and relaxed into it, it was no longer so bad. It was only pain, it had a purpose, and it would pass.
I've been thinking a lot about destiny lately. I do believe that our spirits have chosen a life path. That everything in life has a purpose. Lessons to learn. That our spirits knew what knowledge we needed before we even came to live this human life. Because of this I'm learning to let go and go with the flow. I don't want to fight any more. I want to accept my destiny and live my life to the fullest. I want to relax and know that everything will fall into place, exactly as it was meant to be. Life can throw some pretty strong labor contractions at us, but no matter how painful they get, if we look forward to the new life being created by them there is light at the end of the tunnel. The lesson your spirit meant you to learn so that you will be a stronger, better person. New.
I remember being in labor the first time, the seemingly spine-shattering contractions that wreaked my body. I remember all my muscles tensing up to confront these pains that no one should ever feel. I struggled against the spasms that felt so much like death, even though I knew they would bring life. That was when it hit me. To breathe, to relax, to go with the flow of what was coming whether I was ready for it or not. My reaction to the contractions would not make them stop. I could tense up and fight them or relax and let my body do what it was made to do. A peace came over me and I felt the pain subsiding. It didn't disappear; it just now had a greater purpose, and as I consciously pictured in my mind the job my body was destined to do, the pain became manageable. It was there, but because I accepted it and relaxed into it, it was no longer so bad. It was only pain, it had a purpose, and it would pass.
I've been thinking a lot about destiny lately. I do believe that our spirits have chosen a life path. That everything in life has a purpose. Lessons to learn. That our spirits knew what knowledge we needed before we even came to live this human life. Because of this I'm learning to let go and go with the flow. I don't want to fight any more. I want to accept my destiny and live my life to the fullest. I want to relax and know that everything will fall into place, exactly as it was meant to be. Life can throw some pretty strong labor contractions at us, but no matter how painful they get, if we look forward to the new life being created by them there is light at the end of the tunnel. The lesson your spirit meant you to learn so that you will be a stronger, better person. New.
Own the pain and accept it, when you avoid it you only delay the healing.
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
THE best boys
These are my 3 boys.
Ethan is the youngest. He shines with giggles and mischief. He's all boy. My little snuggle-bug. My dare-devil. No fear. One look at his face, no matter what, and you'll feel happy. There is no way around it. He was made to make sure this mom smiles and feels that unconditional love every single day. He's just simply beautiful.
Christopher is the oldest. He is my son-shine. My first born. The rock that is always there. His grin and bear hugs are two of my favorite things. I love his curiosity. I love how important it is to him to be honorable. He is exceptional. He always works his hardest at what ever task he has to accomplish. I'm so proud of the young man he is becoming.
Jadan is my middle child. The glue that holds us all together. He always has a joke or grand story to tell. He loves learning new things about the outdoors. It's amazing how much information he retains and how excited he can be to share it. He just absorbs so much. He is my cowboy. I can always rely on him. Even when he's upset or doesn't like what he has to do - he does the right thing.
These 3 are my most precious gifts. I love them with all my heart and always will.
Saturday, August 3, 2013
Watching... From July 17, 2013
What is wrong with me? Something must be, I mean why else would the man who is supposed to love me the most not want to be with me?
He keeps saying he does, but actions speak louder than words.
The most ridiculous part of the whole thing is that here I am screaming - If you would just give me some time and attention I wouldn't care if you wanted to do your own thing too!
I do NOT want to be single but committed. I want committed and TOGETHER.
If that's not what you want, I can't do it anymore.
If I have to do it all alone and be alone too I can handle that... but not while you're standing there watching.
He keeps saying he does, but actions speak louder than words.
The most ridiculous part of the whole thing is that here I am screaming - If you would just give me some time and attention I wouldn't care if you wanted to do your own thing too!
I do NOT want to be single but committed. I want committed and TOGETHER.
If that's not what you want, I can't do it anymore.
If I have to do it all alone and be alone too I can handle that... but not while you're standing there watching.
Integrity
What is integrity? Ralph Waldo Emerson defined it as "Doing the right thing, even when no one is looking." That sums it up for me. I believe that you have integrity when you live honestly and truthfully. It's when you know what is right in your core and you choose to follow it no matter what anyone else says or does. It's being true to yourself, but doing no harm.
That is the main value I hope to instill in my children. I want them to know in their very core things that are right compared to something that is wrong. It's a gut feeling. There are some things that are a matter of opinion, but then there are things that are just flat out wrong. Guess what? - It's not judgmental to know those things are wrong and to live in a way that shows that.
My boys have their days, as we all do, when they can be unruly or annoying or just mean, but when you pull them aside, look into their eyes and ask them what's going on, they OWN their bad behavior. We talk about it and make a plan to do better, to be better. One of the biggest problems with society today is people not owning their decisions, people not taking responsibility for their actions, people blaming other when THEY did the wrong! I refuse to allow that in my home.
I realized how I've been training them was really working after a recent trip to Wal-Mart. Chris (12) has 2 pet lizards. When we got them we went to get a cage with a lid. Cages no longer come with lids. You need to purchase a cage AND a lid. We got what we needed and to fit in the cart with other things we set the lid on top of the cage and continue shopping. At checkout we set the cage on the conveyor belt without even thinking about the lid. Everything gets scanned, I go to pay and Chris says "Wait a minute, the lid didn't get scanned". It was one of those so proud, but "shhhhh" type moments! The cashier actually said "The cage doesn't come with a lid, that's ridiculous!"
Bottom line: Do what's right, even when no one is looking; and even when it'd be easier to do the wrong thing.
One more thing I'd like to add more because I don't want to forget than anything:
Chris is a pretty good basketball player. The kind of player that plays the WHOLE game. He loves it. While at one of his travel team tournaments, he was again in for the game. The team had a time out the last quarter, only a few minutes left when Chris realized that one of his good friends hadn't been in to play at all. The coach goes to send the kids back onto the court and Chris decides he's a little to tired to play and he'd like his friend to go in instead. As before, one of those so proud, but "shhhhh" type moments. I'm so proud that my son knows winning isn't everything - it's more important to make someone feel good and to have fun. It's a true friend that cares more about someone's feelings than being the star.
That is the main value I hope to instill in my children. I want them to know in their very core things that are right compared to something that is wrong. It's a gut feeling. There are some things that are a matter of opinion, but then there are things that are just flat out wrong. Guess what? - It's not judgmental to know those things are wrong and to live in a way that shows that.
My boys have their days, as we all do, when they can be unruly or annoying or just mean, but when you pull them aside, look into their eyes and ask them what's going on, they OWN their bad behavior. We talk about it and make a plan to do better, to be better. One of the biggest problems with society today is people not owning their decisions, people not taking responsibility for their actions, people blaming other when THEY did the wrong! I refuse to allow that in my home.
I realized how I've been training them was really working after a recent trip to Wal-Mart. Chris (12) has 2 pet lizards. When we got them we went to get a cage with a lid. Cages no longer come with lids. You need to purchase a cage AND a lid. We got what we needed and to fit in the cart with other things we set the lid on top of the cage and continue shopping. At checkout we set the cage on the conveyor belt without even thinking about the lid. Everything gets scanned, I go to pay and Chris says "Wait a minute, the lid didn't get scanned". It was one of those so proud, but "shhhhh" type moments! The cashier actually said "The cage doesn't come with a lid, that's ridiculous!"
Bottom line: Do what's right, even when no one is looking; and even when it'd be easier to do the wrong thing.
One more thing I'd like to add more because I don't want to forget than anything:
Chris is a pretty good basketball player. The kind of player that plays the WHOLE game. He loves it. While at one of his travel team tournaments, he was again in for the game. The team had a time out the last quarter, only a few minutes left when Chris realized that one of his good friends hadn't been in to play at all. The coach goes to send the kids back onto the court and Chris decides he's a little to tired to play and he'd like his friend to go in instead. As before, one of those so proud, but "shhhhh" type moments. I'm so proud that my son knows winning isn't everything - it's more important to make someone feel good and to have fun. It's a true friend that cares more about someone's feelings than being the star.
Monday, July 8, 2013
To my sons -
I am so proud of the men you are becoming. As you mature and become all you're meant to be here are some things I would like you to remember. I know as you grow you will learn your own lessons, but these are important things that I have learned and I want to pass on to you. I'm sure there will be more to add as the years go on, but for now, here they are.
________________________________________
In no particular order:
What you do when no one can see you defines the kind of person you are.
You will never know a stronger pull than that of your friends trying to get you to participate in something you don't feel comfortable with. Resisting makes you a man. Succumbing makes you a coward.
Pay attention and always trust your instincts. Follow your gut!
Keep your hands to yourself unless you are defending yourself. NEVER throw the first punch. The strongest man is the one that has self-control and knows when it’s right to walk away and when they should stand up and fight.
Even if you "win" cheating – you didn’t REALLY win.
There will always be winners and losers in life. Sometimes you will be the loser - don't dwell on it, learn from it!
Always treat a girl like you’d want your mom/sister/daughter treated.
If you can’t be open and honest in a relationship it is a RED flag!
Never betray trust.
Always tell the truth.
If you feel you have to lie about it later, you probably shouldn’t do it in the first place.
Clean up after yourself – it’s no one else’s responsibility.
Say "please" and "thank you".
Surround yourself with people who build you up, not those that pull you down.
Be yourself. If you have to hid who you are, or pretend you're something you are not - you are only harming yourself and are in the wrong place with the wrong people.
You can be an example to others - sometimes it’s hard to do what is right, but when you stand up for what you believe in you will feel amazing about yourself and others may follow your lead.
Open doors and give up your seat when necessary.
The Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have done unto you. Only treat other people the way you’d want to be treated. EMPATHY.
Admit when you are wrong.
Being a man means being responsible – even when you don’t want to be. You can’t always do whatever you want whenever you want, especially when you have others counting on you.
Betrayal in a relationship means doing anything you wouldn’t do in front of your partner – not just sex. If you can't tell your partner about it, you probably shouldn't do it, OR you shouldn't be with them.
Be thankful – be mindful of the things you are provided with and given.
The first shall be last. True manhood puts others first.
Actually being a man is more important than "talking" like one.
Always do your best, even when it's not something you're fond of doing.
Have confidence in yourself and your abilities. You were born to be amazing, and you just keep getting better!
Hard times teach you lessons and you become a better person as you work through them.
When you really care about something, don't be afraid to put your all into it.
Be slow to anger. Take the time to take a few deep breathes, before reacting.
Your reaction to whatever happens to you, both good and bad, can make all the difference in the world.
Things are seldom as awful as they seem at first.
Never take advantage of the kindness of others.
It's always give and take, not just take.
Actions speak louder than words, but it's also nice to hear "I love you".
Time goes by quickly, so make memories and spend time with those you love when ever you can. "This to shall pass"; the bad AND the good.
Money isn't everything! It is nice, and it can make life easier, but remember it's down low on the list of what makes life great!
If you think you're to small to make a difference remember what it's like to trying to sleep with a mosquito in your bedroom! (Paraphrased from Dalai Lama XIV)
Emotions are a tricky thing. Be aware of the confusion they are bound to cause. Many times in your life you will find yourself torn between emotions and intelligence.
Patience! Patience! Patience!
When you close your eyes each night tell God "Thank you" for all you have and when you wake up each morning ask Him to bless your day and help you be the best you possible.
The Serenity Prayer: God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I can not change, Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference.
I needed to add the below agreements. They have changed my life, and I hope that you will also accept them as your own. The agreements may be hard to live by when you start, but it does get easier, and living by them will help you be able to release so much of the negativity of this world we live in and be the best person you can be.
________________________________________
It is my goal to raise you to be confident, capable, adults who don't settle for the mediocre world we live in. It is my goal to give you all the tools I can so when you go out into the world you will not need me. I will be there, always, to revel in each of your accomplishments, but you were meant to soar and I know I can't always hold your hand.
I love you my Son-shines , my knights, my baby boys,
~Mom
________________________________________
Be yourself. If you have to hid who you are, or pretend you're something you are not - you are only harming yourself and are in the wrong place with the wrong people.
Your reaction to whatever happens to you, both good and bad, can make all the difference in the world.
Time goes by quickly, so make memories and spend time with those you love when ever you can. "This to shall pass"; the bad AND the good.
Money isn't everything! It is nice, and it can make life easier, but remember it's down low on the list of what makes life great!
If you think you're to small to make a difference remember what it's like to trying to sleep with a mosquito in your bedroom! (Paraphrased from Dalai Lama XIV)
Emotions are a tricky thing. Be aware of the confusion they are bound to cause. Many times in your life you will find yourself torn between emotions and intelligence.
Patience! Patience! Patience!
The Serenity Prayer: God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I can not change, Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference.
I needed to add the below agreements. They have changed my life, and I hope that you will also accept them as your own. The agreements may be hard to live by when you start, but it does get easier, and living by them will help you be able to release so much of the negativity of this world we live in and be the best person you can be.
________________________________________
It is my goal to raise you to be confident, capable, adults who don't settle for the mediocre world we live in. It is my goal to give you all the tools I can so when you go out into the world you will not need me. I will be there, always, to revel in each of your accomplishments, but you were meant to soar and I know I can't always hold your hand.
I love you my Son-shines , my knights, my baby boys,
~Mom
Sunday, July 7, 2013
He's Growing Up
Last week my first baby went away on a week long camping trip with one of my best friends. It was hard for me to let him go. At first I was trying to think of any silly, stupid reason to say "no"... but then I realized it was ME and not him that wasn't ready for this. He's almost 13. He's thoughtful and kind. He knows right from wrong and he really cares. He's a good kid. He'll be okay without me, maybe even more than okay. With remorse and amusement I realized it was time to start nudging him slowly out of the nest. (How did so many years pass so quickly?)
Now, anyone that knows me knows this doesn't mean what it might to some. Humans are blessed with more than a season to kick their little chicks out of the nest. I'm thankful for that. For me, it just means that it's time for him to be given some more responsibilities, to have a few more privileges, to be able to mature at a rate that I may not be ready for. It means he still needs me, but not quite so much, and as hard as that might be for me, I need to let him start practicing his flying techniques... slowly of course, but flying all the same.
At least he'll always be my Son-Shine!
Now, anyone that knows me knows this doesn't mean what it might to some. Humans are blessed with more than a season to kick their little chicks out of the nest. I'm thankful for that. For me, it just means that it's time for him to be given some more responsibilities, to have a few more privileges, to be able to mature at a rate that I may not be ready for. It means he still needs me, but not quite so much, and as hard as that might be for me, I need to let him start practicing his flying techniques... slowly of course, but flying all the same.
At least he'll always be my Son-Shine!
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Give and Take
I gave you my all and by giving you my all I gave up so much of myself. I didn't do it intentionally, it was just that I loved you enough to put you first. Even when it was hard, even when it wasn't something I wanted to do - all for you. I won't say it was easy or that I never bitched about it, but it's true I let you do pretty much whatever you wanted to do.
I allowed it because despite it all I still had the twinkle in your eye. You wanted me. You made me feel special and loved. You spent time with me and held me. I knew I was your #1. No, you weren't perfect (neither was I), you could've done better (can't everyone) but at the core there was us, so no matter what I had that to fall back on. Then you took that away.
When you took that away you crushed me. It left me wondering what was holding us together. Instead of being there, giving me your time and attention and making me feel special again - so that core of us could return - you turned your back and just want me to pretend nothing happened and go back to the way things were.
How can I go back to that? I can't do it - I can't be the giver and never receive anything.
If you blindside someone and completely destroy all they thought was true - when you truly love them you do what it takes to prove it's true again. But you disagree, you think that I am the only one that feels this is right. Why?
I don't want to change you. I love you. What I want is for you to make better decisions and be considerate of me and my feelings. I want you to care. It wasn't all that long ago you did.
I can let things go, but you kind of have to too. It's a give and a take, not just a take.
I allowed it because despite it all I still had the twinkle in your eye. You wanted me. You made me feel special and loved. You spent time with me and held me. I knew I was your #1. No, you weren't perfect (neither was I), you could've done better (can't everyone) but at the core there was us, so no matter what I had that to fall back on. Then you took that away.
When you took that away you crushed me. It left me wondering what was holding us together. Instead of being there, giving me your time and attention and making me feel special again - so that core of us could return - you turned your back and just want me to pretend nothing happened and go back to the way things were.
How can I go back to that? I can't do it - I can't be the giver and never receive anything.
If you blindside someone and completely destroy all they thought was true - when you truly love them you do what it takes to prove it's true again. But you disagree, you think that I am the only one that feels this is right. Why?
I don't want to change you. I love you. What I want is for you to make better decisions and be considerate of me and my feelings. I want you to care. It wasn't all that long ago you did.
I can let things go, but you kind of have to too. It's a give and a take, not just a take.
Sunday, June 30, 2013
I wish I wasn't an emotional person. I wish I could just maintain the truths I hear in my head and not deal with the annoying emotions that seem to crawl out - no matter how hard I try to talk them down.
There is a constant battle of mind and heart inside me. I wish I could turn it off or at least have some kind of control over them - I used to be able to hold it all in, be in control, or at least collapse in them in safety, on my own, when I chose. Not anymore. Now the pain and sadness creeps out of no where, without much help. The urge to cry, to scream, to leave and abandon everything so that I can start fresh. I just want the slate wiped clean.
I feel weak - even when I know I'm being strong.
I'm sick of feeling the constant contradictions inside me.
I am stronger than my fears - yet they constantly seem to hold me back. When I fight them and try my hardest to ignore or be more lenient awful anxieties overtake me, I'm surprised my entire body doesn't shake because it feels that way. Like a drug withdrawal.
It's hard to not care when all you want to do is care.
When the one and only thing you want seems so far away and so hard to achieve...
There is a constant battle of mind and heart inside me. I wish I could turn it off or at least have some kind of control over them - I used to be able to hold it all in, be in control, or at least collapse in them in safety, on my own, when I chose. Not anymore. Now the pain and sadness creeps out of no where, without much help. The urge to cry, to scream, to leave and abandon everything so that I can start fresh. I just want the slate wiped clean.
I feel weak - even when I know I'm being strong.
I'm sick of feeling the constant contradictions inside me.
I am stronger than my fears - yet they constantly seem to hold me back. When I fight them and try my hardest to ignore or be more lenient awful anxieties overtake me, I'm surprised my entire body doesn't shake because it feels that way. Like a drug withdrawal.
It's hard to not care when all you want to do is care.
When the one and only thing you want seems so far away and so hard to achieve...
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Bite your Tongue
Bite your tongue, bite your tongue.
The words you're about to speak,
aren't the ones you want to say.
They aren't the ones you want to be heard.
Please bite your tongue.
That doesn't mean to hold it in.
That doesn't mean to surrender.
That doesn't mean to give up.
That means to be the big one.
To be strong enough to choose your action.
To be able to see the results you want and move towards them,
Not away, never away.
Think, pray, use the tools you were given.
The suffering you're going through now won't always be there,
but it will leave you stronger, wiser, and in a much more beautiful place.
The words you're about to speak,
aren't the ones you want to say.
They aren't the ones you want to be heard.
Please bite your tongue.
That doesn't mean to hold it in.
That doesn't mean to surrender.
That doesn't mean to give up.
That means to be the big one.
To be strong enough to choose your action.
To be able to see the results you want and move towards them,
Not away, never away.
Think, pray, use the tools you were given.
The suffering you're going through now won't always be there,
but it will leave you stronger, wiser, and in a much more beautiful place.
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
My Challenge
I have a challenge: In every situation, whether it's a fight with my husband, a show-down with a son, or deciding if I really want to eat another cupcake; I'm asking myself:
What is my goal?
Then fixed on my goal, I'll ask:
Is what I'm about to do going to lead me closer to or farther away from my goal?
If the answer to the above question is no - BRAKES! STOP!
I want to make a choice right then and there to change what I planned on doing to a new plan, a plan that will take me closer to my goal, not farther away.
This self reflection can help with any situation I'm dealt in life. It might not be easy but it's worth it. The decision to be better, to be happier, to be all I was meant to be is mine alone.
I'm starting today, it can only make my life improve and that's my overall aim.
What is my goal?
Then fixed on my goal, I'll ask:
Is what I'm about to do going to lead me closer to or farther away from my goal?
If the answer to the above question is no - BRAKES! STOP!
I want to make a choice right then and there to change what I planned on doing to a new plan, a plan that will take me closer to my goal, not farther away.
This self reflection can help with any situation I'm dealt in life. It might not be easy but it's worth it. The decision to be better, to be happier, to be all I was meant to be is mine alone.
I'm starting today, it can only make my life improve and that's my overall aim.
Monday, June 24, 2013
Purpose
The current purpose in my life is to be a better person today than I was yesterday. To rise above negativity and view only the positive. To become more patient and less judgmental. To be more outgoing and open to try new things. To find my true calling.
I am committed to my little family of five. Each day I am blessed by the love and joy I feel radiating off of the crew of us. (Some days there's a little less heat, but it's always there.) I am a link off my extended family, separate, yet still linked. The support they give me, gives me the confidence I need to continue moving forward, no matter how difficult the path. I surround myself with the people I love, and those who love me. I would drop anything when they need me and I am willing to do what needs to be done to make things right.
I know the world is a big place and all people are entitled to their own opinions, beliefs, and thoughts. I will hold mine close to me, but never be so dedicated to them that I can not be open to change. I will use hardships for growth and be thankful that they help to create a better me.
I am stronger than my fears, but I will never be so weak I won't admit I have them. I will conquer them because that is who I am. I am intense and only see a difficult situation as a challenge not yet seized.
I am a work in progress - but I am growing into all I was born to be.
I am committed to my little family of five. Each day I am blessed by the love and joy I feel radiating off of the crew of us. (Some days there's a little less heat, but it's always there.) I am a link off my extended family, separate, yet still linked. The support they give me, gives me the confidence I need to continue moving forward, no matter how difficult the path. I surround myself with the people I love, and those who love me. I would drop anything when they need me and I am willing to do what needs to be done to make things right.
I know the world is a big place and all people are entitled to their own opinions, beliefs, and thoughts. I will hold mine close to me, but never be so dedicated to them that I can not be open to change. I will use hardships for growth and be thankful that they help to create a better me.
I am stronger than my fears, but I will never be so weak I won't admit I have them. I will conquer them because that is who I am. I am intense and only see a difficult situation as a challenge not yet seized.
I am a work in progress - but I am growing into all I was born to be.
Friday, June 21, 2013
Tears
I wrote this in high school and found it today:
Tears
Sometimes tears can't be spoken,
The words get stuck inside.
I feel like nobody cares but,
It's not that they don't,
It's just they don't know.
It's hard sometimes when nobody listens.
Sometimes I feel so tense.
I need to let it all out.
My feelings get bottled up inside,
Pushed away.
There are so many problems,
Love and Life and Friends.
Life can be short.
Why rush?
The days go by,
So do the nights.
I need to let loose,
I'll just cry.
Tears
Sometimes tears can't be spoken,
The words get stuck inside.
I feel like nobody cares but,
It's not that they don't,
It's just they don't know.
It's hard sometimes when nobody listens.
Sometimes I feel so tense.
I need to let it all out.
My feelings get bottled up inside,
Pushed away.
There are so many problems,
Love and Life and Friends.
Life can be short.
Why rush?
The days go by,
So do the nights.
I need to let loose,
I'll just cry.
Thank You
As we walk into my sister's house we are greeted by my little smoosh with a bigger grin than anything you could imagine. On excited little legs he runs to each of us with a smile and a hug, complete with pats on the back and overflowing excitement. Chattering indecipherable words trying to share all his joy. Is there any other reason to be alive?
The water is freezing, but the sunlight reflecting on the cascading waterfall is to tempting. The water sprays down on the boys as they wade slowly but determined into the cold water. The giggling laughter from my children as they splash and play is contagious. Seeing them so happy. Is there any other reason to be alive?
E is on the trampoline. "Look at this Mom!" he calls. I glance out the window as he back handsprings and lands feet planted! "I saw this on Star Wars" he says "I thought I could do it." As if its the most normal thing in the world to decide you can do handsprings and automatically you can. His joy leads me to throw off my shoes and join him. Soon C and J are there with us. Impromptu "Simon Says". We play for over an hour, laughing and just being. Is there any other reason to be alive?
These are the moments that make my life worth living. Despite any hardships in my life I'm more blessed than not. More happy than sad. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.
The water is freezing, but the sunlight reflecting on the cascading waterfall is to tempting. The water sprays down on the boys as they wade slowly but determined into the cold water. The giggling laughter from my children as they splash and play is contagious. Seeing them so happy. Is there any other reason to be alive?
E is on the trampoline. "Look at this Mom!" he calls. I glance out the window as he back handsprings and lands feet planted! "I saw this on Star Wars" he says "I thought I could do it." As if its the most normal thing in the world to decide you can do handsprings and automatically you can. His joy leads me to throw off my shoes and join him. Soon C and J are there with us. Impromptu "Simon Says". We play for over an hour, laughing and just being. Is there any other reason to be alive?
These are the moments that make my life worth living. Despite any hardships in my life I'm more blessed than not. More happy than sad. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.
Hmmmmm
I was taught from a young age that if you hurt someone you apologized and did your best to make them feel better again. It didn't matter if the hurt was emotional or physical. It didn't matter if it was an accident or on purpose. You apologize and do your hardest to not let it happen again. I think I made the mistake of assuming that most people understood this, that it was a basic step in human development - at the very least in the people I surround myself with.
I think that's why is has been so hard for me in my marriage the last few months. I have taken the time to step back from myself and reflect on the things I could've done that hurt him. I have told him why I hurt and what hurt me. I have asked him what I should do differently. I have looked into our past habits and seen things we both needed to learn from and change. I have made changes and I'm still trying to make more, not just for him, but for ME - to be a better person. I do see changes in him - I need to give credit where credit is due and I really DO on occasion catch a glimpse of the man I love, slowly but surely more regularly - but the core change; that one where no matter how hard it is - no matter what you need to give up, you do for the person you love the most hasn't happened.
I read somewhere that the happiness you have in your adult life reflects the happiness you learned as a child. For example; say happiness = 100% but during your childhood it was very rare for you or your family to be at 100%, you usually were more of a 50% or 25%, then for the rest of your adult life that percentage is where you are comfortable being. It's hard to move out of that comfort zone, even if it would be better for you.
I'm not one to make excuses, ever. Own your problem, especially if you created it. But I can see how some of this would be harder for a person who was never taught it. Where if I can function at 100% capacity for compassion and happiness it might not be that easy for him... however that leads us to the "no matter how hard it is" change. I know it's baby steps and I don't want to give up quite yet - but its harder than I thought to move at a snail's pace when I'm set to jackrabbit speed. I guess I need to slow down almost as much as he needs to learn to speed up....
I think that's why is has been so hard for me in my marriage the last few months. I have taken the time to step back from myself and reflect on the things I could've done that hurt him. I have told him why I hurt and what hurt me. I have asked him what I should do differently. I have looked into our past habits and seen things we both needed to learn from and change. I have made changes and I'm still trying to make more, not just for him, but for ME - to be a better person. I do see changes in him - I need to give credit where credit is due and I really DO on occasion catch a glimpse of the man I love, slowly but surely more regularly - but the core change; that one where no matter how hard it is - no matter what you need to give up, you do for the person you love the most hasn't happened.
I read somewhere that the happiness you have in your adult life reflects the happiness you learned as a child. For example; say happiness = 100% but during your childhood it was very rare for you or your family to be at 100%, you usually were more of a 50% or 25%, then for the rest of your adult life that percentage is where you are comfortable being. It's hard to move out of that comfort zone, even if it would be better for you.
I'm not one to make excuses, ever. Own your problem, especially if you created it. But I can see how some of this would be harder for a person who was never taught it. Where if I can function at 100% capacity for compassion and happiness it might not be that easy for him... however that leads us to the "no matter how hard it is" change. I know it's baby steps and I don't want to give up quite yet - but its harder than I thought to move at a snail's pace when I'm set to jackrabbit speed. I guess I need to slow down almost as much as he needs to learn to speed up....
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Poor
A Buddhist Tale:
One day a very wealthy man took his son on a trip to the country to live a few days on a farm with a very poor family. His goal: to teach his son a lesson about what it means to be poor.
Upon their return, the father asked his son, "So what did you learn about what it means to be poor?"
The son answered, " I learned that we have 1 dog. They have 4. We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden. They have a creek with no end. We have imported lanterns. They have an abundance of stars at night. We have a small piece of land to live on. They have fields that go beyond sight. We buy our food. They grow theirs. We have walls around our property. They have friends to protect them."
The boys father was speechless. The son looked at him and said, "You have shown me how poor WE truly are."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's all about perspective.
One day a very wealthy man took his son on a trip to the country to live a few days on a farm with a very poor family. His goal: to teach his son a lesson about what it means to be poor.
Upon their return, the father asked his son, "So what did you learn about what it means to be poor?"
The son answered, " I learned that we have 1 dog. They have 4. We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden. They have a creek with no end. We have imported lanterns. They have an abundance of stars at night. We have a small piece of land to live on. They have fields that go beyond sight. We buy our food. They grow theirs. We have walls around our property. They have friends to protect them."
The boys father was speechless. The son looked at him and said, "You have shown me how poor WE truly are."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's all about perspective.
Monday, June 17, 2013
Circles
Saturday afternoon I was in the middle of cleaning my tub when I heard screaming again. (Side note: this is not an occasional thing, what I'm meaning to say is for the -100th time- and it's only lunchtime I heard screaming.) I immediately tried to put in those "Mommy earplugs" hoping the kids could just work this out and leave me alone, but no. It's never a true fight until we can completely bewilder mom and make her appear crazy. When the fake tears and near death screams reached an all time high, I finally went to see who was "crying wolf" and why. Honest to God I can't remember what the fight was, probably someone was chewing to loudly ON PURPOSE or someone looked at someone funny or maybe someone ate more cookies than the other, who knows. (Wouldn't it be nice to have those kind of problems be your only problems again?) All I know is CIRCLE popped into my head.
A circle - has no beginning and no end - so do these incessant fights! Okay, here we go boys. We have all 3 of you constantly bickering and going back and forth about things that don't matter at all, sometimes things that are NONE of your business to begin with. Each of you says "I'm only doing it to him because he does it to me!" Who is going to be the big one and break the circle? Please follow me - if C does this to J because J does it to C, or E does it to J because C did it to E - aren't you all in the wrong? One of you has to make the decision to stop it or you'll just keep going in a circle! One of you has to be the bigger one. I certainly can't punish just one of you, so if you'd like to see someone else get disciplined, you'll have to step right up too. Daddy always said "It takes 2 to tango".
Then something else clicked in me; here I am preaching to my kids about being the bigger one, about breaking the circle and being a better person - but they aren't going to listen if all I do it talk, I need to show it. I need to be the example that will lead them to be better, lead them to break this negative circle.
I thought about all the issues I've been having in my own life the last few months and how hard it is to be the bigger one, to cut some slack especially when YOU know YOU'RE the "right" one. I know we all feel that way. Some argue better than others, some love conflicting discussions and debates, others avoid it at all costs - but no matter where you are in that spectrum - we all think we're "right".
So I guess I'm going to be trying to break my negative circle. I have to remember to step away, take a deep breathe and think about my reaction before responding. Yes, sometimes the person you're dealing with doesn't deserve that kind of response, but I'm going to be the bigger one. I'm going to set an example for my boys and hope they learn to break those negative circles before the circle gets to nasty and wrong.
A circle - has no beginning and no end - so do these incessant fights! Okay, here we go boys. We have all 3 of you constantly bickering and going back and forth about things that don't matter at all, sometimes things that are NONE of your business to begin with. Each of you says "I'm only doing it to him because he does it to me!" Who is going to be the big one and break the circle? Please follow me - if C does this to J because J does it to C, or E does it to J because C did it to E - aren't you all in the wrong? One of you has to make the decision to stop it or you'll just keep going in a circle! One of you has to be the bigger one. I certainly can't punish just one of you, so if you'd like to see someone else get disciplined, you'll have to step right up too. Daddy always said "It takes 2 to tango".
Then something else clicked in me; here I am preaching to my kids about being the bigger one, about breaking the circle and being a better person - but they aren't going to listen if all I do it talk, I need to show it. I need to be the example that will lead them to be better, lead them to break this negative circle.
I thought about all the issues I've been having in my own life the last few months and how hard it is to be the bigger one, to cut some slack especially when YOU know YOU'RE the "right" one. I know we all feel that way. Some argue better than others, some love conflicting discussions and debates, others avoid it at all costs - but no matter where you are in that spectrum - we all think we're "right".
So I guess I'm going to be trying to break my negative circle. I have to remember to step away, take a deep breathe and think about my reaction before responding. Yes, sometimes the person you're dealing with doesn't deserve that kind of response, but I'm going to be the bigger one. I'm going to set an example for my boys and hope they learn to break those negative circles before the circle gets to nasty and wrong.
Thursday, June 13, 2013
Quiet Prayers
This one might be a little hard to write. I don't usually open up about things like this because they are so internal for me, I know how powerful joining your prayers with another can be - but this morning when one of my best friends in the entire world called to pray with me I felt like I had been tripped. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not at all against prayer. I grew up in it. More bible studies and religious people then I can count. Watching that, seeing how crazy or hypocritical some Christians can be, I decided I never wanted to be that way and unintentionally I tucked that part of myself deep inside, even the good parts.
I pray all the time, constantly throughout the day. I speak words of blessings/healing/safety all over my family, my friends, my home. There are power in word. I just never realized how hard it would be for me to share that with another person, to speak those words out-loud. To show so much of my inner self. To be "naked" of sorts.
I chose a long time ago not to define myself by a religion. To make sure I was never viewed as a hypocrite, never a "Sunday Christian". I believe in God, I believe there is so much more to this life than what we see. Spirituality is all around us and in everything. My very favorite place to see God is in the sparkling eyes of a child. You can hear God in their laughter. They are so innocent, so full of the simple pleasures, so free.
When I pray it's more than words. I usually visualize it. I close my eyes and see what I'm asking for. I surround my children in a "bubble of protection" and have every night since they were born. But I find it is the hardest thing for me to let anyone besides my children hear me... Maybe someday I'll learn how to share that quiet part of me.
I pray all the time, constantly throughout the day. I speak words of blessings/healing/safety all over my family, my friends, my home. There are power in word. I just never realized how hard it would be for me to share that with another person, to speak those words out-loud. To show so much of my inner self. To be "naked" of sorts.
I chose a long time ago not to define myself by a religion. To make sure I was never viewed as a hypocrite, never a "Sunday Christian". I believe in God, I believe there is so much more to this life than what we see. Spirituality is all around us and in everything. My very favorite place to see God is in the sparkling eyes of a child. You can hear God in their laughter. They are so innocent, so full of the simple pleasures, so free.
When I pray it's more than words. I usually visualize it. I close my eyes and see what I'm asking for. I surround my children in a "bubble of protection" and have every night since they were born. But I find it is the hardest thing for me to let anyone besides my children hear me... Maybe someday I'll learn how to share that quiet part of me.
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Raising Husbands
(*No, not all men are this way and Yes, I know some men are not always this way, just sometimes - but as a general rule of thumb if you're male you should NOT ever be this way.*)
From this day forward I am not raising sons. I am raising future husbands and dads. When I think of the problems that I have been having in my marriage I realize that there are things that have always been wrong. Why is it okay that the woman is supposed to be the one that grows up and becomes responsible, while the man consistently wants to be treated as an adult, yet act as a child? Sorry - just because you worked all day does not mean I did not. Why are you done, but my shifts are 24 hours? Bullshit! A responsible man should not just mean a paycheck.
I want to scream at the top of my lungs - HELLO BONEHEAD! Yeah, yes YOU, you made those dishes... WASH them, or at least rinse them out! Um - Yeah, YOU again, I think you finished the milk and that soda there... is there a reason the empties are still sitting on the counter? You do know where the empties go - You're not a guest here... Oh, tomorrow is trash day? No I'm not reminding you - it's the ONE thing you do... and those kids fighting there, the ones that are supposed to be in bed... Me thinks they might be your children... pretending they're not there until I take care of it is NOT the right thing to do... Oh, and one more thing - our youngest is only 8, NO he can NOT take care of himself while we just go out and do whatever we want, whenever we want - separately . Not okay.
So anyways, I decided that this is not the way my sons will ever treat their wives. They will understand it's a partnership, a shared quest. They will learn that the little things matter the most and that although women can do anything a REAL man wouldn't let her! I will make sure they understand women think differently and need different things than men, but that's okay - it doesn't make us crazy. Opening doors and being a gentleman shouldn't be a thing of the past. Yes, women are strong and can do what needs to be done - but men are supposed to be there to take care of us. To want to take care of us. We're supposed to be the ying and the yang, the black and white, peanut butter and jelly, macaroni and cheese... yadda, yadda, yadda.
So help me God, they will be good husbands. They will know that family comes first, that everything else is second. That they are important, but true love is giving of yourself and desiring so much more for those you love than yourself. Selfishness and dishonesty are banned from our house. I will teach them with scenarios and open communication and plain ol' example! When I look into their eyes I know I already gave them a good start - they will be men of integrity, true knights in shinning armor (no pansy princes here!)
From this day forward I am not raising sons. I am raising future husbands and dads. When I think of the problems that I have been having in my marriage I realize that there are things that have always been wrong. Why is it okay that the woman is supposed to be the one that grows up and becomes responsible, while the man consistently wants to be treated as an adult, yet act as a child? Sorry - just because you worked all day does not mean I did not. Why are you done, but my shifts are 24 hours? Bullshit! A responsible man should not just mean a paycheck.
I want to scream at the top of my lungs - HELLO BONEHEAD! Yeah, yes YOU, you made those dishes... WASH them, or at least rinse them out! Um - Yeah, YOU again, I think you finished the milk and that soda there... is there a reason the empties are still sitting on the counter? You do know where the empties go - You're not a guest here... Oh, tomorrow is trash day? No I'm not reminding you - it's the ONE thing you do... and those kids fighting there, the ones that are supposed to be in bed... Me thinks they might be your children... pretending they're not there until I take care of it is NOT the right thing to do... Oh, and one more thing - our youngest is only 8, NO he can NOT take care of himself while we just go out and do whatever we want, whenever we want - separately . Not okay.
So anyways, I decided that this is not the way my sons will ever treat their wives. They will understand it's a partnership, a shared quest. They will learn that the little things matter the most and that although women can do anything a REAL man wouldn't let her! I will make sure they understand women think differently and need different things than men, but that's okay - it doesn't make us crazy. Opening doors and being a gentleman shouldn't be a thing of the past. Yes, women are strong and can do what needs to be done - but men are supposed to be there to take care of us. To want to take care of us. We're supposed to be the ying and the yang, the black and white, peanut butter and jelly, macaroni and cheese... yadda, yadda, yadda.
So help me God, they will be good husbands. They will know that family comes first, that everything else is second. That they are important, but true love is giving of yourself and desiring so much more for those you love than yourself. Selfishness and dishonesty are banned from our house. I will teach them with scenarios and open communication and plain ol' example! When I look into their eyes I know I already gave them a good start - they will be men of integrity, true knights in shinning armor (no pansy princes here!)
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Hello Motherhood
I barely remember the day I found out I was pregnant with my Christopher. All I remember is taking the pregnancy test, seeing the positive sign and feeling strangely complete... and then reality hit me. Here I was 19 years old and practically estranged from my family. I was with the love of my life, but we were young, we were uneducated, we were living with a friend and there was no way this would improve our life. I panicked. I cried. I screamed. I tucked it away, afraid to deal with it, but at the same time knowing without a shadow of a doubt that a precious gift was growing inside of me.
It took a few moody days before I could tell Sean. He was working as a stock boy at a local grocery store. I went to visit him for lunch, a ball of nerves and anxiousness. Instead of telling him I got mad at him and left the store sad and upset. He didn't even know why. When he got home that night I told him we had to talk. I couldn't keep it a secret any longer. I couldn't be the only one to know. I'm sad to say I don't remember his reaction. All I remember is more tears, a mix of happy, scared and sad... maybe not "happy", but I already knew I loved this little thing nestled under my heart.
I think the hardest part about getting pregnant young and unmarried for me was the stigma that came with it. I was never "that girl". I was always an honor student, never partied, never drank, never even tried drugs. I prided myself on knowing right from wrong. Sean was my first and only. Now, here I was pregnant. Looking like the complete opposite of all I ever valued. It was never a matter of choosing whether or not to keep the baby. He was mine the second I found out, yet I was scared of the reactions I was going to get. Terrified of once again letting the people I loved down. Afraid not only for my future, but now my unborn child.
Sean had proposed to me the year before, so technically we were engaged, still so young! He decided we should get married. He thought it would make things better. I wasn't so sure it would. Don't get me wrong, I remember the very second I fell in love with Sean, the very second I knew he was the definition of my love. I just didn't know if getting married was the right answer because of all the other things we had going on with my family. So we put it on hold. We did decide to start looking for an apartment however, and soon we had our first "home".
I think we kept the pregnancy a secret for a few more months. Neither of us knew how to tell our parents. Mine didn't like the situation before a baby, they definitely wouldn't get excited about the situation now. Sean's parents were a little more accepting, but it's still quite the news to tell your parents. I finally told my mom at a church service I attended with her. She cried, she hugged me, she told me she would be there for me and help me through this. She told me that she would tell my dad. I also broke the news to Sean's mom, he was to "chicken" and couldn't get up the nerve. So there we were. Publically pregnant. There I was publically, no way to hide it, a vision of all I never wanted to be.
Now that the news was out some good things did start to happen. It was still a rough road but I began to reconnect with my family, the people I had missed for months. My dad got me a job at the car lot he worked at, my mom called me everyday, and I got to see my "first babies" (Floopy, DJ, and Jimbo) more often. This is not to say getting pregnant fixed things - not at all - it's just that when you're at your lowest the people you really matter to will be there no matter what to help you through it. I was ecstatic to have my family and my Sean.
On November 10, 2000 I remember waking up at about 7:30 with an amazing urge to pee. Sean was in the bathroom getting ready to go to work. I sat up on the edge of our bed and at that very second our lives changed again. My water broke, I yelled into Sean "You're not going to work today!" and minutes later we were on our way to the hospital.
I have to say that labor sucks. It is absolutely one of the most awful things a woman will ever go through, but even in that I lucked out. We were blessed with our special treasure less than 5 hours later. Christopher Isaiah was placed in my arms at 12:26pm. My amazing 8Ib, 2oz bundle of love. He was perfect. Remembering that very moment makes all the nonsense that came before it worth it.
When I look at my oldest son now I know the pride shines in my eyes. He is becoming an amazing young man. He is learning honor and integrity - two things I value strongly. Do what is right, always, even when no one is looking. Of course he has his moments, as all 12 year old boys do, but he is the kind of person I would want as a friend. He is growing into a man that I am more than proud to call my son. (There are a few stories there I will have to save for another time. xoxo)
It took a few moody days before I could tell Sean. He was working as a stock boy at a local grocery store. I went to visit him for lunch, a ball of nerves and anxiousness. Instead of telling him I got mad at him and left the store sad and upset. He didn't even know why. When he got home that night I told him we had to talk. I couldn't keep it a secret any longer. I couldn't be the only one to know. I'm sad to say I don't remember his reaction. All I remember is more tears, a mix of happy, scared and sad... maybe not "happy", but I already knew I loved this little thing nestled under my heart.
I think the hardest part about getting pregnant young and unmarried for me was the stigma that came with it. I was never "that girl". I was always an honor student, never partied, never drank, never even tried drugs. I prided myself on knowing right from wrong. Sean was my first and only. Now, here I was pregnant. Looking like the complete opposite of all I ever valued. It was never a matter of choosing whether or not to keep the baby. He was mine the second I found out, yet I was scared of the reactions I was going to get. Terrified of once again letting the people I loved down. Afraid not only for my future, but now my unborn child.
Sean had proposed to me the year before, so technically we were engaged, still so young! He decided we should get married. He thought it would make things better. I wasn't so sure it would. Don't get me wrong, I remember the very second I fell in love with Sean, the very second I knew he was the definition of my love. I just didn't know if getting married was the right answer because of all the other things we had going on with my family. So we put it on hold. We did decide to start looking for an apartment however, and soon we had our first "home".
I think we kept the pregnancy a secret for a few more months. Neither of us knew how to tell our parents. Mine didn't like the situation before a baby, they definitely wouldn't get excited about the situation now. Sean's parents were a little more accepting, but it's still quite the news to tell your parents. I finally told my mom at a church service I attended with her. She cried, she hugged me, she told me she would be there for me and help me through this. She told me that she would tell my dad. I also broke the news to Sean's mom, he was to "chicken" and couldn't get up the nerve. So there we were. Publically pregnant. There I was publically, no way to hide it, a vision of all I never wanted to be.
Now that the news was out some good things did start to happen. It was still a rough road but I began to reconnect with my family, the people I had missed for months. My dad got me a job at the car lot he worked at, my mom called me everyday, and I got to see my "first babies" (Floopy, DJ, and Jimbo) more often. This is not to say getting pregnant fixed things - not at all - it's just that when you're at your lowest the people you really matter to will be there no matter what to help you through it. I was ecstatic to have my family and my Sean.
On November 10, 2000 I remember waking up at about 7:30 with an amazing urge to pee. Sean was in the bathroom getting ready to go to work. I sat up on the edge of our bed and at that very second our lives changed again. My water broke, I yelled into Sean "You're not going to work today!" and minutes later we were on our way to the hospital.
I have to say that labor sucks. It is absolutely one of the most awful things a woman will ever go through, but even in that I lucked out. We were blessed with our special treasure less than 5 hours later. Christopher Isaiah was placed in my arms at 12:26pm. My amazing 8Ib, 2oz bundle of love. He was perfect. Remembering that very moment makes all the nonsense that came before it worth it.
When I look at my oldest son now I know the pride shines in my eyes. He is becoming an amazing young man. He is learning honor and integrity - two things I value strongly. Do what is right, always, even when no one is looking. Of course he has his moments, as all 12 year old boys do, but he is the kind of person I would want as a friend. He is growing into a man that I am more than proud to call my son. (There are a few stories there I will have to save for another time. xoxo)
Monday, June 10, 2013
Dear Husband
When I packed your bag to kick you out this weekend and then allowed you to stay I thought we had come to a sort of mutual agreement. I told you the bare minimal requirement I needed from you was to be reassured that you loved me and were thinking about me on a regular basis. I can give you some space and keep from obsessing over our relationship if you can give me this. All I was asking for was a few texts throughout the day or a phone call. Something. This is not new and you know it. The very next day you leave for work and forget me. Maybe not in the "I don't have a wife" kind of way but definitely in the "her feelings don't matter" way. This is not okay. Not even being able to comprehend how important the bare minimal is, makes me feel like I -"Us"- isn't as important as it should be to you.
When someone loves you unconditionally and is willing to (literally) be in pain to help you through something, you don't take advantage of them. Yet, you take advantage again and again. My heart is breaking. I'm being suffocated. Yet, here you stand, to inconvenienced to even do the bare minimal.
You could make this easier by just speaking the truth. Telling me your true feelings, even if they hurt is the only way we will be able to work through this. Your "I don't knows" and lack of reasons are ruining us. Your inability to give me time and attention is ruining us.
How much space could you actually need anyways? Most men don't work a 12-15hr day and then demand weekends completely for themselves. You already are away more than you are with me or your children on any given week. I am not a single mom. This is not okay.
If you want me to wait around any longer you need to do a few things, (with 100% effort), without them, I have had enough. I can not do this to myself or our children anymore.
I love you for longer than always, to infinity and beyond,
~Me.
When someone loves you unconditionally and is willing to (literally) be in pain to help you through something, you don't take advantage of them. Yet, you take advantage again and again. My heart is breaking. I'm being suffocated. Yet, here you stand, to inconvenienced to even do the bare minimal.
You could make this easier by just speaking the truth. Telling me your true feelings, even if they hurt is the only way we will be able to work through this. Your "I don't knows" and lack of reasons are ruining us. Your inability to give me time and attention is ruining us.
How much space could you actually need anyways? Most men don't work a 12-15hr day and then demand weekends completely for themselves. You already are away more than you are with me or your children on any given week. I am not a single mom. This is not okay.
If you want me to wait around any longer you need to do a few things, (with 100% effort), without them, I have had enough. I can not do this to myself or our children anymore.
- Whether you think it's stupid or not, I do need to hear from you a few times a day. It is not fair for you to think you can just disappear for 12-15hrs every day and have no connection to home.
- You need to choose me. Choosing me does not mean you sit at home and do nothing. It means you choose to have fun with me, regardless of where we are or what we're doing. Your attitude on this has been making me have a bad attitude - I understand that, but if you don't start trying we are through.
- You have responsibilities to not only me, but our children - you need to start taking those seriously. You made a commitment to me, one God and most humans agree is pretty sacred. I need to know you're still committed - if not, it's time to stop playing games with me.
- We won't ever work if you can not be "real" with me. If you are a different person when you're not around me that is a problem. I can not be with someone who can't share all of himself. Unfortunately, I think you are more judgmental of yourself than I could ever be. You have created in your head how you think I would react to whatever "secret self" you have, and that just makes me feel like you don't know me at all.
I love you for longer than always, to infinity and beyond,
~Me.
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Let it Go, be Strong but Soft
True justice is paying only once for each mistake. True injustice is paying more than once for each mistake. The human is the only animal on earth that pays a thousand times for the same mistake. (Don Miguel Ruiz)
No one wants others to keep reminding them of the mistakes they made; why then do we constantly remind others of the mistakes they made? I know I'm guilty. I think it's because I'm so afraid that same mistake might happen again by that same person - it's self-protection. To let go, means opening yourself up again and being vulnerable. That is very hard to do. That takes true strength.
I know that all hardships bring lessons. That once you're through them you have become a better person. That even if it seems like everything makes no sense right now, when you look back you'll see the reason behind the chaos. All those things might be true but it doesn't make it easier.
When your world crashes down you can't crumple with it - it's at this time that you build your world back up - better and stronger - so that even if the hits keep coming they bounce right off. I just have to remember to be soft too. The snuggly soft so the things that are meant to stay aren't scared away by the tough exterior. Strong but soft.
No one wants others to keep reminding them of the mistakes they made; why then do we constantly remind others of the mistakes they made? I know I'm guilty. I think it's because I'm so afraid that same mistake might happen again by that same person - it's self-protection. To let go, means opening yourself up again and being vulnerable. That is very hard to do. That takes true strength.
I know that all hardships bring lessons. That once you're through them you have become a better person. That even if it seems like everything makes no sense right now, when you look back you'll see the reason behind the chaos. All those things might be true but it doesn't make it easier.
When your world crashes down you can't crumple with it - it's at this time that you build your world back up - better and stronger - so that even if the hits keep coming they bounce right off. I just have to remember to be soft too. The snuggly soft so the things that are meant to stay aren't scared away by the tough exterior. Strong but soft.
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Uncertainty
I don't even know what to write, but I need to do something. I'm so sick of feeling broken. So sick of feeling like there is no way to heal. I feel like I've forgiven and let go and released all my anger but I still have this nagging fear that won't go away. I'll own my issues. I know I can be bitchy and whiney. I know that sometime I need to take a few deep breathes and think things through before responding - before starting something. Who doesn't though?
I just want to feel wanted. I just want to feel loved. Not just by anyone, by the man I gave my heart to so many years ago. I understand marriages go through rough times, but not usually seemingly out of the blue. Not when you felt like your life was all on track and you were on the same page and together. Together.
I just don't get it. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to move forward. I feel so stuck.
The saddest thing is I don't, at this point, even know what he could do to make it better. I don't even know if he can...
I just want to feel wanted. I just want to feel loved. Not just by anyone, by the man I gave my heart to so many years ago. I understand marriages go through rough times, but not usually seemingly out of the blue. Not when you felt like your life was all on track and you were on the same page and together. Together.
I just don't get it. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to move forward. I feel so stuck.
The saddest thing is I don't, at this point, even know what he could do to make it better. I don't even know if he can...
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