Only expecting what I know you can give

More than likely you won't even read this, I'm okay with that.  I've come to realize that I love you enough to accept you as you are.  I'm not as much lowering my expectations as coming to expect only what I know you can give.  Of course there will be days I want more, but you are the one I chose. 

This does not mean that you are free to always do as you wish or that it's acceptable for you to put yourself first before me or your children - it means that just because you don't show me love in all the ways I would like you to, I know you are doing it in your way.  I see the twinkle coming back into your eyes when you look at me and I know that we are finally, again, at a place where we will be okay.

I wish you would realize that it's alright to disagree.  It's even fine to fight sometimes.  Some of the very best conversations come from two disagreeing adults who respectfully share their point.  It's accepting a person for the whole package - opinions, faults, and perfections.  Just because we don't agree on something doesn't mean that I don't like you or that I don't respect your thoughts.  I do - I also respect my own though.  I wouldn't be me without my standards, without my moral compass.  This makes me a stronger person.  I can like, and even be friends with a person who doesn't share the same exact values - to each his own - I don't judge.  If you're uncomfortable with this part of me, or with the fact that I am strong, have my own opinions and won't take the bullshit, move on. 

I will be fine without you.  The truth is, you're here because I want you.  Because I am madly in love with you and want to share a life with you - NOT because I need you for any other reason than I would miss you if you were gone.

Lies are unacceptable, but if you are willing to be honest, and once again trust-worthy I want to keep you... any discovered secrets will change this, as I think you've finally begun to realize.  I am looking forward and believing that this won't happen.

I want to thank you for the steps you have taken to make our family feel we are important to you.  Did you know that almost every time you have taken the time to sit with or talk with one of the boys - no matter what they were doing - has been noted?  By THEM, not me.  Just the other day Jadan told me, "Dad came into my room and let me show him all my stuff on my game!"  He was so excited that you were there, genuinely present.  After we ate at the restaurant a few Sundays ago Ethan says "It was fun that dad helped me with that paper (the kid's menu activities)!"  If these simple little things didn't matter they wouldn't have thought to share, they wouldn't have remembered it happened.  Because they value you, because they want you to be a part of their lives, they remember even the littlest things you do.  "Little by little a little becomes a lot."

Believe me, I know it's hard, I'm right there with you.  We are their role models and need to be the best models we can be for them.  They see our good behaviors and our bad.  They learn how to deal with things by watching how we deal with it.  It's overwhelming!  The world's a tough place and I want to make sure our children have all the tools they need to succeed - being the best example possible for them is the only way to do this.  Actions speak so much louder than words.  I know I fail on a regular basis, but I try, I put the effort in, and no matter how I'm feeling do what needs to be done.  I think parenthood is the hardest job on the planet.  You are stuck being the absolute best on the same day you're the absolute worst and every decision or action we take can directly affect our kids.  It's a lot.  It makes it so much easier when you have a partner to share the good and bad with.

This past year has been the worst year of my life.  But it is over.  The one thing that I know about hardships is that God gives them to you to make you grow to your potential, to teach you lessons and make you a better person.  For that I am thankful.  I was able to see things I needed to change in myself.  I was able to see and understand things from another perspective. I was given the wisdom I needed to make my life better and the ability to say "I've been there." to others that need help working through something similar.  I've learned that there are lessons no one can teach you but yourself.

As we come to the next chapter, I hope that we can evolve together.  I hope we can become all we're meant to be, both together and individually.  We got this.  There is no one else I'd rather go through life with; struggles and the joys. I know it's been hard for you too, thank you for sticking it out.  We have an extraordinary destiny to achieve.  We were put together for a reason.  Great marriages don’t just happen.  You have to work on them and fight for them.  Bottom-line: You are worth it.  We are worth it.  I want you.  I love you!