Only expecting what I know you can give

More than likely you won't even read this, I'm okay with that.  I've come to realize that I love you enough to accept you as you are.  I'm not as much lowering my expectations as coming to expect only what I know you can give.  Of course there will be days I want more, but you are the one I chose. 

This does not mean that you are free to always do as you wish or that it's acceptable for you to put yourself first before me or your children - it means that just because you don't show me love in all the ways I would like you to, I know you are doing it in your way.  I see the twinkle coming back into your eyes when you look at me and I know that we are finally, again, at a place where we will be okay.

I wish you would realize that it's alright to disagree.  It's even fine to fight sometimes.  Some of the very best conversations come from two disagreeing adults who respectfully share their point.  It's accepting a person for the whole package - opinions, faults, and perfections.  Just because we don't agree on something doesn't mean that I don't like you or that I don't respect your thoughts.  I do - I also respect my own though.  I wouldn't be me without my standards, without my moral compass.  This makes me a stronger person.  I can like, and even be friends with a person who doesn't share the same exact values - to each his own - I don't judge.  If you're uncomfortable with this part of me, or with the fact that I am strong, have my own opinions and won't take the bullshit, move on. 

I will be fine without you.  The truth is, you're here because I want you.  Because I am madly in love with you and want to share a life with you - NOT because I need you for any other reason than I would miss you if you were gone.

Lies are unacceptable, but if you are willing to be honest, and once again trust-worthy I want to keep you... any discovered secrets will change this, as I think you've finally begun to realize.  I am looking forward and believing that this won't happen.

I want to thank you for the steps you have taken to make our family feel we are important to you.  Did you know that almost every time you have taken the time to sit with or talk with one of the boys - no matter what they were doing - has been noted?  By THEM, not me.  Just the other day Jadan told me, "Dad came into my room and let me show him all my stuff on my game!"  He was so excited that you were there, genuinely present.  After we ate at the restaurant a few Sundays ago Ethan says "It was fun that dad helped me with that paper (the kid's menu activities)!"  If these simple little things didn't matter they wouldn't have thought to share, they wouldn't have remembered it happened.  Because they value you, because they want you to be a part of their lives, they remember even the littlest things you do.  "Little by little a little becomes a lot."

Believe me, I know it's hard, I'm right there with you.  We are their role models and need to be the best models we can be for them.  They see our good behaviors and our bad.  They learn how to deal with things by watching how we deal with it.  It's overwhelming!  The world's a tough place and I want to make sure our children have all the tools they need to succeed - being the best example possible for them is the only way to do this.  Actions speak so much louder than words.  I know I fail on a regular basis, but I try, I put the effort in, and no matter how I'm feeling do what needs to be done.  I think parenthood is the hardest job on the planet.  You are stuck being the absolute best on the same day you're the absolute worst and every decision or action we take can directly affect our kids.  It's a lot.  It makes it so much easier when you have a partner to share the good and bad with.

This past year has been the worst year of my life.  But it is over.  The one thing that I know about hardships is that God gives them to you to make you grow to your potential, to teach you lessons and make you a better person.  For that I am thankful.  I was able to see things I needed to change in myself.  I was able to see and understand things from another perspective. I was given the wisdom I needed to make my life better and the ability to say "I've been there." to others that need help working through something similar.  I've learned that there are lessons no one can teach you but yourself.

As we come to the next chapter, I hope that we can evolve together.  I hope we can become all we're meant to be, both together and individually.  We got this.  There is no one else I'd rather go through life with; struggles and the joys. I know it's been hard for you too, thank you for sticking it out.  We have an extraordinary destiny to achieve.  We were put together for a reason.  Great marriages don’t just happen.  You have to work on them and fight for them.  Bottom-line: You are worth it.  We are worth it.  I want you.  I love you!

From Here to the Moon and Back (audio)

To my boys and my whole family!  To the moon and back... always! 

Boys = Crazy, dirty, sometimes smelly fun

I am the mother of 3 little boys; ages 12, 11, and 9.  Though all things boy wasn't anything new to me, since I have 3 little brothers of my own, being the mother to little boys takes some getting used to.  They tend to be a little louder, a little more adventurous, and quite a bit more rambunctious than most little girls - and certainly more than this girl. 

As they've grown I've learned to roll with the punches.  To try to only scold when real scolding is needed.  To sit and watch their imaginations create some of the best shows in the world.  To pretend I'm giving them freedom by staying in the background and letting them do their thing when really I'm there front and center watching in case "their thing" goes wrong.

And I almost always let them do their thing - climbing, jumping, running, throwing, wrestling, catching, creating, exploring.  My goal is to teach them how to do things in the safest way possible and to let them fall occasionally so they learn from their mistakes.  No secrets in this house. 

You see, I'd rather them tell me they are sledding off the roof in the middle of winter or jumping out of the tree onto the trampoline then it be a big secret and have someone get hurt but not be truthful about how it happened. 

I feel like they are going to do some things in life that aren't safe or smart but I'd rather know the plan and be able to prepare them for what could go wrong before they make the choice to do it.  That way they will learn to make smart choices and know outcomes aren't always what they'd think or hope. 

I like to think of it as supervised rough-housing.  Letting boys be boys by observing and teaching instead of  forcing them to be something they aren't, instead of telling them how they are supposed to be. 

They need to be able to express themselves and be themselves.  They learn best through doing, through playing.  Boys need to move and be hands-on.   It doesn't do them any good to have them sit around, playing quietly - it's like asking a little boy to misbehave.  Keep them busy and all will be good.

I've learned that the muddy footprints on the floor and the handprints on my windows will actually disappear before I'm ready for them to be gone, so for now I'm going to enjoy my little men and their friends and hope my home continues to be a place all of them want to come to.

Missing You

I have been trying to write this so many times in the past few weeks.  When you put something in writing, it really seems permanent and complete.  Some times that is one of the hardest things for me.

Not a day goes by that I don't think about my Granny.  This month marks one whole year since I saw her - since I was able to sit and talk to her about everything and anything - since I was able to feel her arms around me - since I was able to hear her laugh.  So many things have changed in a year.  The boys have grown so much.  There are so many things I'd love to tell her, things that she would always just know about my life that I can no longer share with her.  She pops into my head every time the boys come home from school with a story or get a good grade on a paper or something funny happens or they do good in sports... all the time!  Every time I take a good photo - see for years I always got doubles of all my pictures, I sometimes still do out of habit.  I know she's "here" and I can feel her sometimes, but we all know that 's not the same.

A few month ago my cousin Heather and I went to Uncle Brian's and got the boxes of old family photos.  I've been going through them and trying to get as many as possible scanned into the computer.  So many memories, so many years.  Since I was a little girl one of my favorite things was going to spend the night with Granny and without a doubt I would end up in the basement looking through the old photos.  I would pick out a handful, bring them to her at the kitchen table, and listen to her share all the memories the photos triggered.  I remember for the first time seeing my daddy and uncles in my head as little kids.  Realizing that they were in a sense, just like me and my siblings/cousins.  It was so mesmerizing to me.  I loved seeing the photos of Granny as a young girl and mother.  Those photos of her with her boys make me feel even closer to her.  She once was in the very same place I am with my boys.  Still mesmerizes me.  I love that connection.

Her stories are one of the things I miss the most.  No matter what was going on in my life a visit with her was like a recharge.  The boys and I liked to stop at Wegman's (for a sub picnic) or McDonald's (for caramel sundaes) on our way over to visit.  We would sit in the garden when it was warm and she would watch the boys play tag or trying to find the frogs in the little pond just smiling.  We would sit the little café when it was cooler.  Granny digging through her little purse for coins so the boys could each have their very own soda - no sharing allowed, drinking her coffee and story-telling or listening to the boys tell their stories.  The boys loved her as much as she loved them.  They always wanted to go visit, even asking to go if we hadn't been recently. 

Ethan (age 9) still brings up Granny at least once a month.  He drew a picture of him and her on the cover of his art journal for school.  A blessing and a curse for my sweet sensitive boy.  I'm so glad to know that he was so close to her, but so sad to see the twinge of pain in his eyes when he brings her up.  I don't want him to forget her but I never thought it would be this hard for him since he was so young.  Last year about this time Ethan (who always had short hair) decided to grow out his curls.  I remember getting him ready for school and without thinking saying "I can't wait to show Granny your curls!"  He looked at me and said in the sweetest way "We can't go show her mom, but I know she sees them and loves them!"  It took everything in me to hold myself together until the bus came.  My sweet, sweet boy.

Christopher has a photo of Granny and him together on his shelf, right next to her "Shoot for the Stars" angel.  He knows that's exactly what she would want him to do.  I make sure he knows how proud she'd be of him.  Jadan is always a little harder to read.  He knows there is nothing he can do to change the fact that she's gone, so he tries to just pretend it never happened.  He's the stoic one in this house, but he also has one of her angels on his shelf.

I am so blessed to have had such a great relationship with Granny.  She was more than a grandmother to me, she was a friend and confidant.  I enjoyed her and I was even more blessed to be able to share that relationship with my children as well.  I still hear her voice in my head some days when I need some encouragement.  I don't think a day will ever go bye that I don't in some way think of her.  At least there are so many smiles in the tears and that make it all worth it.