Ideas

I haven't written in a few days, and while I'm feeling withdrawals, I'm also feeling overwhelmed. There seems to be to much in my head lately. It's harder to concentrate and I don't really know where to start.

1) Write about my experiences. Therapeutic for me and may be helpful to others.
2) Stories from my childhood. These might be a little embellished, but is that me or the child remembering it?
3) My Druid story
4) My "magical" brothers story
5) My historical story
6) My "death/reincarnation" story

Each and every one of these ideas have something written, something started. Some more than others, some are scraps of paper from multiple notebooks torn from pages in an effort to consolidate. Some need research, some are screaming from my mind as I try to sleep, and some come to me as I'm driving my car. See the destiny for me to write is there. The stories want to be put down on the page. It's just a matter of organizing my thoughts enough to get them there.

"You are loved and you are not alone".

2/13/2016

You are a soul with a body, not a body with a soul.

Human, yet spirit.

As I laid in bed last night, I couldn't help but think of my loved ones and friends who have lost someone recently. One lived long, and passed away as expected. The other, only half the time, and completely unexpectedly. Neither situation takes away the pain of the other. Both feel a loss, both grieve. Though I knew neither of these people very well, I feel myself tearing up as I think of the people they've left behind. My tears are shed for them.

In my soul, I know that this is not supposed to be an unhappy time - but my human mind will not allow me to fully comprehend this. I know their spirit lives on. I know the deceased no longer feels their earthly troubles. It is us, those left behind that feel the pain.

I believe our souls understand this, but in our humanness we selfishly set that aside, and wish they were with us still. We want more. Our souls know we'll meet again, but it will never be the same again.

It's a time like this when we must realize the importance of living in the "now". Using our time wisely, making memories with those we love, and living each day fully. We never know how much time we have left in this life.

Memories may bring tears, but they also bring smiles. There is no magic cure from grief. It can come and go as if it has a life all it's own. Years can pass, yet still, out of the blue, the sorrow will come. I've learned to use these pangs - I feel they are sent as a reminder. Where I used to let them weigh me down, now like to think of them as a hug, or at least recognition that my loved one still exists.

I use those moments to catch my breath. To focus on what really matters. To thank God for the life I have been given and the memories I have. I use those moments to remember.

Time may ease the pain of loss a little, but it will never fully go away. When you are close to someone who passes  a piece of you goes with them. I want to recognize this. Instead of saying "I'm sorry for your loss", I want to acknowledge your pain and say; "You are loved and you are not alone".

Gibberish

I'm scatter-brained. You see, I go about my day and literally come up with idea after idea, thought after thought, story after story. Then I sit here and... forget it all.  It's as if by brain decides to meditate even though whenever I do actually try to meditate there's a circus in my head instead. Wonderful...

Anyway, if this is going to turn into a gibberish piece I might as well gibber away...

I turned the heat down, Sean turned the heat up, and now I feel like I'm at the beach even though it is snowing outside. In fact, I am so hot, I am tempted to run out into the snow to make a snow angel and cool down. Will I really do this? No. I will not, I hate the snow. But it is nice to think of how cooling that would be... never mind. I lied. It would not be cooling. It would be freezing and I would probably die. Frostbite and the whole nine yards, I'm sure of it. I think I'll just take off my sweater instead.  Is it possible to be to hot yet still get goosebumps on your arms?  It is, because I do.  Hot with a chill, just wonderful. No, it's not menopause. It's I hate fans blowing on me. I am not a fan of anything blowing on me.

Now I am wondering why my stomach is growling even though I ate a late dinner, and ate more than I should have. Yeah - literally my stomach hurts with a hunger.  I'm going to ignore it and try to sleep...

Also, I would write more, but now I'm ticked off, because instead of moving a dog over my husband tries to keep the dog all cozy and comfortable, instead moving all into my space - pulling my covers off and knocking my computer over - even though I am obviously a human in the middle of doing something, not an animal that can easily be moved. Shows how messed up my life is...

3

Lately I've been thinking a lot about my 3 boys. They are growing into such incredible young men. All 3 of them work so hard to be the best they can be.  Their grades are good, their sports are good, who they are is good.  I'm so proud that they know who they are and focus on being true to themselves. It takes most people well into adulthood to learn that.

Chris has such a kind and gentle heart.  I love that he can think things through, far better than most his age.  He knows what he wants in life and works his hardest to achieve that. Over the past couple years he's learned some valuable lessons, worked through and rose above. He amazes me.

Jadan is Mr. Sarcasm, a trait I'm not so sure if I'm happy to pass down.  He is the one that can see both sides usually. Facts speak volumes to him, and he sees things as they are. He doesn't sugar-coat much.  Again, it's a strength and a weakness we both share. He is a strategist and planner. Check, check, check.

Ethan is my sweet baby.  He is filled with so much love and sense of adventure.  He is the epitome of "I wish I could bottle that energy".  So many emotions and movements in one little body. He is work, but the joy of him outweighs that tenfold.  Light shines from him. I don't think it's possible  to look at him without smiling.

Ever since they were little I have tried my hardest to teach them to think for themselves. I'm not perfect, I don't have all the answers, and I don't ever want them to simply believe something because I said it's true. I love to have full conversations and discussions with them. If they ask me a question I've always tended to throw it back to them with a "Well, what do you think the answer is?" They would respond, I'd share my thoughts or what I knew about it, and we would talk. This helped them to learn that they can think, that most answers are right inside them, that they have the power to solve problems successfully on their own.

This means I may disagree with them sometimes, but that's okay. They are allowed to ask why, they are allowed to share some details with me that may change my mind. I respect them enough to know that just because I want or know something, doesn't mean they do or should. When I show them respect, I am teaching them what respect is and they respect me in return. Respect can't be expected when it isn't given.

I also realized a long time ago, that if you punish a child for telling the truth you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of lies with them. When you are open and honest; punishment shouldn't be necessary, because cause and effect is real. There are natural consequences for every action. I like to let them play out. That's the real world.

These boys know what unconditional love is. They know that no matter what I will be there. I know that's why they are the great kids they are today. They have been raised in a way that truth is one of the most important attributes. They live that. As different as they each are, all 3 are filled with integrity and know right from wrong. Actions, not just words make them stand out.

I am so proud of who they are and the glimpses I catch of who they are going to be as grown men. Changing every day, yet sure of who they are inside. That's always been my goal, when you know who you are inside and are confident in that, you can't help but share that with the world. I wish I was more like them when I was their ages. My loves, my joys, my treasures. Continue to be all you are meant to be. I am blessed.

Confession to Myself

I am a highly sensitive person. Because of this I find myself drawing inward often, because of this, at times, I may seem  uncaring or arrogant or brash. Maybe even a bit of a know-it-all. I don't mean to be any of these things. 

It's harder for me to articulate or think on the spot with people who don't really know me (part of why I've always loved writing). It's difficult for me to strike up a conversation with people, simple silly things like "How's the weather?" or "Did you have a nice weekend?" just seem so impersonal and cliche. I'd rather learn your favorite childhood memory or how the sunset made you feel or if you had any dreams last night.  Real things. Soul things.

I usually keep myself pretty closed off from people. It takes time and patience if you want to get close.  I can't help that - I don't need a bunch of friends, I need genuine people. I can smell fake from miles away and tend to stay miles away. I don't hold grudges, but I learn to steer clear from what will only add unnecessary stress or, as I affectionately call it, "the chameleon conundrum". Those who are exactly what they think you want them to be, but never true to themselves, thus not worth my time. Learn to love yourself and be yourself!

Occasionally I will get a sense of deja vu or be drawn to someone - these are people that I click with instantly. Soul sisters mostly - few and far between but those I feel I knew before. They are who I feel best with. Everything is all out on the table. There are no stereotypes to live up to or problems I have to fix or ideals that I need to remain encompassed in or secrets kept - only truth. 

I may be tough to swallow for most. I do not play games and have no desire to do so. However, if you force me to play my hand, it's always strong and backed by truth. Sorry if that sounds conceited, but I do my research, sometimes to much, AND I'll admit it when I'm wrong, I'd say that's a fair opponent - but I'll probably win, so it's pointless. ;p

If I let you in, I'm giving you trust and respect. I expect the same. If I find someone unworthy of that due to their actions, it's hard for me to give it back again. Repeat behavior simply gives me more reason to build up a wall. When something happens time and time again it's time to step away. Forgiven doesn't mean to forget and allow to happen again. People to often overlook that.

I probably get agitated or annoyed to much. It's hard juggling so much, every day.  If I roll my eyes and sigh loudly - it's because whatever you asked or did, I probably didn't need to be a part of it.  It's never ever, ever that I don't want to be there for you when you really need me, but once you reach a certain age, a person should be able to handle certain things without my help. I can't do it all!

I know I don't always talk respectfully. There is no excuse for that. I'm tired and worn out and sick of the same-old,same-old that is constant in my life right now. I have no "partner", it is me alone to balance it all. Speaking in a disrespectful tone is still wrong though.  No matter what the reason, no one should ever be made to feel small, even when they cause others to feel small. Two wrongs never make a right.

I am not perfect. I do not pretend to be. Growing, learning, changing, daily.

A work in progress and that's okay, we really all are.