Asleep or Awake Reality or Dream

I'm sitting here questioning if I should publish this post.  Am I going to offend any of my dear friends?  Are people going to think I've gone off my rocker?  The truth is everyone is not ready to hear all this.  The truth is; if this offends you, makes you mad, or changes the way you look at me; then maybe it's time for you to look deeper in yourself.  The truth is you're allowed to feel however you want about this post and about me.  I can't change it.  All I can do is be me.  To be honest, I welcome all discussions/opinions/thoughts.  I wrote what's in me and you are welcome to feel however you do about it.
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Asleep or Awake
Reality or Dream

When I was a child I remember being  told that God was all-knowing, and even though we had free will to do as we chose, God always knew the choice we'd make.  To me the image of myself standing in the middle of a doll house immediately came to my mind.  I saw God, as I would be when playing with my dolls. This vision stuck with me through the years and so did the sense of it being ludicrous. I remember thinking - "What's the point of being God if all you do all day is figure out what you want your dolls to do?"  I also remember thinking "What is free-will? Because if God already know exactly what I'm going to end up doing, it doesn't sound like I'll have many real choices..."

That was from the mind of eleven year old me.
Yes. I have always needed to know more, and I never take someone's word for anything, never have.

Another time someone told me that to get to heaven all I had to do was believe in the "One True Christian God".  I think I kind of shocked them when I replied "Almost all religions say they have the One True God, and how do you know they are wrong if they are as adamant in their rightness as you are?"  I had recently studied up on the major world religions and couldn't believe the similarities; despite the different terms. (Here I was maybe 15.)

I don't believe any of the above really matters in the proportion that humans put on it.  I truly believe that our, yes everyone's, soul really already knows this.  I have seen what happens when someone begins to look inward.  I have listened intently as I've prayed/blessed/surrounded myself/family/friends with the Holy Spirit.
I will say here that I do believe in God - I believe in prayers - I believe in kindness and truth.
I'll also say that I believe that religions have it wrong.
Religion equals division, where God wants us joined.
Separation NEVER works.

When my grandmother passed away over 3 years ago, someone said to me that I should get my kids to church.  That Granny would be so happy to see them there.  Without even thinking, and not even knowing it was coming, I stated "No, now that she's spirit, not physical, she knows it doesn't matter as much." I have to say that I was a little shocked to hear this, even as I spoke it.  It opened my eyes a little more to listening and feeling what was around me.

The statement I made caused me rethink my beliefs.  It made me delve into more.  
I had to find answers.  I looked within.
As I questioned and researched and listened - I really began to realize all the indoctrination that happens to everyone, without our even knowing it.  From the day we're born things are expected of us.  We are raised to think a certain way, to believe a certain way, to expect certain things from those around us.  Let me be clear here - no one is doing anything wrong, just doing what we as humans have 'known' to do.

This indoctrination is a form of 'brainwashing' that we don't even realize is happening.  It's very real though.  Just think of all the adults sitting in church simply because they've been going since they were children.  Just think of all the people living to "keep up with the Jones" no matter how unhappy they are in reality.

My children and I have had many discussions about "God".  I have always asked them how they thought or felt about everything.  I wanted them to know from the very beginning that they do know the answers.  God already gave them to us, all we need to do is listen.  To say I have great children is an understatement.  They amaze me every day.  When I say "Whoa, take a step back and rethink this before you move forward."  They do, as upset as the reminder may make them to start with. I have raised them to be the movers and shakers our world needs.

It takes a strong mind to question everything - and ignorance truly is bliss.  My hope is that everyone who reads this, agreeing with me or not, will look a little deeper within and find what's truly real and what is an illusion. Asleep or awake; Reality or dream... where are you?

Disclaimer: I am only a truth-seeker NOT one who claims to know it all or wants everyone to be like me or agree with me.  Find your own truth.  Find yourself.  Be happy.  Break through the illusions in your life and be real.  Open eyes bring with them an open heart and true peace.  That's all I want for everyone.

Breathe

I realized today that I catch myself holding my breath A LOT.

Teeth clench.

Almost in a trance.

Functioning fully, yet some where else completely.

Odd.

A little nerve wracking - okay maybe a little more than a little.

I seem to get sucked into my thoughts.

And to be honest, I've had A LOT to think about lately.

No anger.

No malice.

Just some big 'ol deep thoughts.

I find myself talking myself down.

"Take a deep breathe now, sweet stuff"

"This to shall pass"

"Will this matter tomorrow... next week... next year..."

"Let it go"

As I've said a million times emotions,

All that "feelings" mumbo jumbo, 

can try all they want to take over my conscientiousness -

but they never succeed.

Mind over matter.

Pure, simple truth.

Even.

If.

It's.

Scary.

Even if I don't want to believe it. 

Because I know that in the grande scheme of things, everything,

Literally everything,

Is meant to happen for a reason.

Our spirit knows exactly what that is,

And will never steer us wrong.

I have personally grown in leaps and bounds in the past few years.

I know it's worth it.

It's hard to remember all that sometimes though.

So hard to always remember.

That's okay, I promise!
It's the "human" curse. 

Try as we might,

It's inescapable.

So instead of fighting,

Fully release it.

Let it go.

Always realizing;

THIS TO SHALL PASS - the good AND the bad.

And the lesson will be learned even if it's months down the road.

Just remember to breathe through it all.

We got this.

A Whispered Calling

As the snow fell softly and soundlessly from the sky she stared up at the full moon.  Gorgeous.  Pure.  For some reason she did not know, but longed to understand, the moon called to her.  The pull was strongest when the moon was full; though each night she found herself stealing glimpses of the sky.  Joy filling her heart whenever she saw it.  A sighting would cause a peace to flow through her; calmness touching her very soul.  A distant memory flitting her thoughts that she couldn't fully remember.  Was it strange she thought, to yearn for a permanent place like this?  Away from the commotions of modern life.

For a few short seconds she seemed to be taken back.  She saw, but at the same time felt as if she were, a young girl standing on a small mountain looking out over the vast lands before her.  It was that odd time of day - the cusp between morning and night.  The sun rising, yet the moon shinning.  Down below her a small cottage lay, smoke puffing from the chimney.  The sunlight just starting to creep up the yard, but just before it could rise she was snapped back to reality.

A dog pawed at the door.  A child called out for "Mom".  The buzzer on the dryer went off.  Reality.  So much to do, but rarely time to do it all.  The daydream was over, yet the thoughts of the girl on the mountain clung to her.  She would visit the daydream again and learn more.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Childhood

The word childhood to me brings back memories of Doyle Road.  There we had leaf houses, trash can swimming pools, mattress gymnastics, backyard baseball or kick ball and child-run theater.  We also raised a baby bird, hatched close to 50 snapping turtle eggs, and ran our first business, a bakery called TED's.   My favorite tree was on Doyle Road; it had the perfect branch for me to climb up, snuggle in and read my latest book. And the lilac bush "fort", and the grape vine "woods" - so many fun memories.  A smile comes to my face whenever I think about it.  To go back to that place would feel like home.  If only it was place instead of a wrinkle in time.

While it's hard to pick just one of these memories, the goal today is to write of one, only one.  So hard to choose, but I can always come back to another one, on another day.  I choose TED's.

The year was probably 1991 or '92.  I had to have been at least 11, actually I'll say 1992, because if I was any less than 12, we wouldn't have been able to make deliveries.  (I couldn't ride my bike on the road until I was 12 - funny how at least 2 younger siblings were allowed to come with me.)  Making chocolate chip cookies at my childhood home was as common as apple juice (meaning it was almost a daily occurrence.)  I think I had the recipe memorized by age 10.  This Summer my friend Danielle and I decided to share our delicious creations with the neighborhood, for a price (which escapes me all these years later). 

First we had to come up with a name.  I can't remember what names were suggested but I know why we settled on TED's - Theresa Erin Danielle.  I also remember being a horrid big sister and telling Erin that she wasn't really a part of our business plan; we were just using her name so our business name would work.  I don't think she really cared because I know she did end up helping to make the cookies and deliver them.  After coming up with a name we made order pamphlets, I believe on Danielle's computer. (She was the cool kid with a computer AND The Oregon Trail game!)

After we had our pamphlets we went door-to-door in our neighborhood taking orders for a dozen chocolate chip or a dozen sugar cookies.  Delivery day would be on Saturday, I recall this specifically because I remember even back then counting in my head how many days we would have to make the dozens of cookies that were sure to be ordered.  We ended up with only a few dozen chocolate chip cookies to make and I was relieved about that for some reason.

On Saturday we made fresh chocolate chip cookies and packaged them in baggies.  We had 3 deliveries to make - the Zink's, Mr Goloski's, and the Darling's.  I was so excited about delivering to the Darling's house.  The Zink's we saw often, and Mr Goloski lived right next door.  The Darling's  house was beautiful with a long, smooth driveway (AND their name was right out of Peter Pan!)  I have no memory of the people living there, only the house, the name, and the story in my head.  

With money in our pockets and deliveries done we continued on our bikes down to Olive Road.  It was a newer road - freshly paved and so smooth.  We loved ridding our bikes up and down the road, wind blowing through my hair as I traveled the flat, level surface.  Turning towards home, I was already thinking up the next idea. (TED's was a short-lived business that lasted that week alone, but we were kids, and had so much more to do!)

Strange sounds in the night - Daily writing exercise

Slowly, slowly, she inched down the stairs.  Reluctantly.  Hair tousled from a fitful sleep, goosebumps raising on her arms as she dragged her sock clad feet forward.  The incessant scratching and moaning had become to much.  Though she dreaded what lay ahead, she dreaded being alone and imagining what it was going on to be worse.  As she reached the bottom of the stairs the noises seemed to disappear.  She took a deep, quiet breath, and peeked around the corner.  Nothing. 

This was impossible.  When she was lying in her bed, just above this very room she had heard it below her.  A scratching noise, that at first she had assumed to be a tree branch or raccoon, but when it had awoken her a second time with a faint moan joining in, she knew it was something else.  At first she had sat dead still, wrapped tightly in her blanket, willing the sound away.  When it had not gone she knew she had to find out what it was.

The first thing she had done was check on her roommate.  Angela was passed out cold.  Even calling her name did not rouse her.  So she had gone to figure out what was happening on her own.  She took another deep breath and looked slowly around the basement.  Nothing seemed out of place.  All was silent.  

As she turned to head back up the stairs she heard a whimper near the door.  Instantly the hairs on the back of her neck went up and a chill ran down her spine.  She slowly turned back towards the door, praying for protection as she did so.  When she saw what was sitting by the door she exhaled loudly.  Relief slid over her.  There by the door was a mother cat, who had evidently just given birth.  Four little kittens were nuzzled up to her nursing peacefully.  

Grateful that the horrors she had imagined were unfounded and untrue, she gathered a box with some soft blankets for the mama cat and kittens.  Gently she moved them all to the box and headed upstairs to get the starving new mother some food.  Once she had done so, and feeling more at ease, but exhausted, she headed back to the comfort of her bed and the soft, cozy blankets she had abandoned.  Snuggled in, she reached down to tenderly pat her new feline friends.  Tomorrow she would find out if they belonged to anyone, tonight their purring would lure her to sleep.

Contemplating Art - Day 1 of my writing every day challenge

They had been here before. Hearts beating in unison as the rain beat down on the little covering they had. It was years ago, seemed like ages ago, but here they are again.

She looked up at him; tears welling in her brown eyes. He was the only man she had ever loved, ever wanted. It was sad how much everything had changed. What once was, though she was terrified to admit, would never be again without a miracle.  They loved each other, always would,  but to much was missing.

She needed more.  As time progressed, he has forgotten that there were still adventures to have and new things to learn. He didn't know her anymore, and sometimes she struggled to know him.

He leaned down, drips of rain catching in his hair, and kissed her forehead softly.  She longed to fold herself into him,  to forget it all. At the same time she was hit with the realization that to do that would only prolong the inevitable and cause more confusion for them both.

To pull away seemed like the nicest thing she could do, the only thing she could do.  For him and for her.  So she did, the tears streaming down her face & blending with the rain falling from the sky. She gave him one last look as she turned away. Saw the pain in his eyes that mimicked her own, but she knew deep down this was for the best.

Unfortunately, the right thing often is the most painful.