Just Wait

I can never make you understand the way you make me feel.
What hurts the most is that you don't really try to understand.
Instead you brush it off, "Crazy". "Girl". etc.
Words mean nothing when actions don't match.

I can calmly explain it.
Yet I get no response.
I can cry, I can scream.
But all that does is make you shut down.

Don't you understand that if you can't open up,
Can't calm my fears,
Can't share yourself a little more,
We will cease to exist.

I am empty of almost all that is "us".
I am burned out.
There is a hole in my heart that has not been replenished since the day you first took it away.
Yet you want me to wait.
You say that you're trying.

I say you can not always have excuses.
I say you can not always make promise, seldom kept.
I say you can have all of me,
But not if you can not give me all of you.

I want someone to share an entire life with,
Not just the parts that are convenient.
Everything.

Liars

The truth.  Why is it so hard for some people?  The truth makes things easier.  You don't have to remember a story.  You don't have to worry about someone finding out.  You keep yourself free of burdens.  You can breath.  People don't realize the weight they put on themselves.  How absolutely relieving you feel when you live as if you have nothing to hide.  

For just a minute open your mind to this truth...

I'm sitting here watching "Lone Survivor" with my family.  I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face. I can't watch.  I don't want to watch.  Yet, I can't look away.  It's such a waste.  It makes my stomach turn.

These men, these poor men.  These Americans.  These Afghanis.  Bad men.  Good men.  It all depends on what view you were raised with, what country you're from, which stories you've heard.  My point is made all to clear with the Afghanis that end up helping.  They are not all bad.

These men, ALL of them, are/were someone's child, someone's father, someone's lover.  It's not fair.  It's so heart-wrenchingly sad to me.  Each of them stood strong for their beliefs.  Each of them willing to die for what they felt was sacred.  Each of them wasting their lives.  FOR WHAT?!?!

Some may be mad at me for saying this, for even thinking it, but YOU think about it.  Think about the way you were raised.  Think about what you hold true and sacred.  Think about the brainwashing you receive daily through media.

Some of you may go through a list a mile long about the good these Americans did.  Even if it simply that they killed so many Afganis.

I am so sad for these brainwashed people.  For these people threatened into compliance.

It isn't fair.  Power is a sickness.  It destroys.


(Side-note due to the people who tend not to think before comments --> I am against violence and evil, no matter which "side" it comes from.  I am not anti-troops.  I am anti-war.  Hate and violence only creates more hate and violence and the circle never ends.  Be open-minded and think for yourself.  That goes way beyond the media, it comes from within.  Truth.)

What is a Soul-Mate?

What is a soul-mate?  

I think people have a messed up perception of what one is.
Most think it's this amazing romantic interest that will sweep them off their feet, be their lover forever, and those "first feelings" will never fade.  This is not true though.
That is a made-up fairy tale.  It's wrong.  This lover and friend forever notion will not last.

I too, used to believe this fairy tale.
One true soul-mate; lover and friend combined forever.
Destined to "complete" each other, trust and faith and caring more for the other, than self.
Now I know the truth, and that's not it.  It could be in some instances, but not often.

I have a soul-mate, in fact I have a few.

A true soul-mate is a person you meet randomly on the street or someone you grow up with.  It's that person that you just "click with".  
It's that person that you feel in your very soul you've known forever or met before.
It's someone you get this innate feeling of trust and you can share all of your
deepest secrets and innermost workings with.  

The catch is that they feel it too.
That your soul and their soul were destined to meet.
Soul-mates.

They are the people who know how you "tick" and, even better, want to know.
They understand you and you don't even have to say a word.
They are the ones that are there in an instant, whenever you need anything.
They are ones that want the best for you, and you for them.
They call you to be your best self and you happily oblige.  

I have no romantic interest in mine, other than to make sure they are loved,
and cared for by their "others", as they should be.
That's why I know in my heart-of-hearts that soul-mates are not only lovers.
They can be, but I truly think it's rare.

Soul-mates know each other's inner workings and nothing is off limits to
share because each already knows the way of the other's soul.
Sometimes you may disagree, but it's never worth a fight,
in fact disagreements are expected.
Soul-mates balance you, and when you're with them you feel at ease and confident.  

A soul-mate wants to know and wants to share.

A true soul-mate is someone you couldn't live without,
because a piece of you would be missing.
They complete you, and with their help
you become the person you were always meant to be.

I am beyond grateful that I found this not once, but a few times.
You know who you are and I love you.

"How do you look through the eyes of the people you love, and who love you?"

One thing that has been constantly on my mind lately is the question; 

"How do you look through the eyes of the people you love, and who love you?"

While, for the most part, the answer is supposed to give you a confidence boost.  Showing you that even when you're feeling the worst you possibly could, you can go, wait a minute, that's not true...

But here I sit, the critical, over-thinker that I am & I'm seeing it more as a "How can I be better?"  

"How can I prove that I really am all that they see me to be?"

Or at the worst "How disappointing am I?"

I want to take it as a challenge.

I mean come on now.  We all have our moments.  We all have things we're not proud of.

And honestly, when it comes down to it, if you can't answer that question without a guilt-trip, without 'happy' thoughts of who you truly are & the direction you're headed in.
You, my friend, are doing something wrong.

I may need some help, but I accept the challenge.  I want to be called out when I'm being a bitch, or being unreasonable.  I want to know when I'm being a downer.  So that I learn to stop myself before things get out of control.  

I do not want a single minute to pass in which my loved ones feel unloved or unwanted.  I do not want a single minute of my selfishness or pride to ruin someone else's day.

We're all just people & we all need to learn not to take things  personally.  If we each just focus on being the best person we can be, there'd be no fear of being seen as something you are not.

You know what the answer should be?  
That no matter how I look to them right now, I will be better tomorrow.  

Because the honest truth is we can all do better.  

This "New" Way of Learning

My child, brilliant, beautiful,
Full of life & shining bright
Wakes up on a school day
Feeling sick.
Tummy problems.
Nerves.

Where he used to look forward to school,
He now seeks any way possible to not go.
It isn't his teacher that's the problem, she's wonderful.
It isn't the kids, he has some great friends.
It's this new way of learning.

It prevents him from truly being him.
It's these moduals & testing.
They make him feel stupid.
Which make his nerves fray,
Which leads to anxiety & tears,
Almost every day.

This is not what I want for my child.
This is not what he deserves.
I will not allow it.

My child, brilliant, beautiful, 
Full of dread & light fading.
Comes home from school

Dragging his feet,
No smile.
Rough day at school,

Now for the homework.
But mama can't help.
I don't understand this "better" way.
But I do understand that it's hurting my child.

Nothing that makes a brilliant child feel less than brilliant is good.
All kids are brilliant, but all kids are not the same.
They do not learn the same.
They do not all have the same strengths and weaknesses.
They are individuals. 

They are meant to be creative and inquisitive.
They are meant to learn by playing, by doing.
They are meant to enjoy being a child.
They are not meant to sit for hours taking a test that does not benefit them in any way.
They do not have the maturity or the mind for this yet.

Challenging kids is necessary and important.
I'm not against setting standards.
I'm against the way we're being forced to accept them.
I'm not against hard work and pushing through.
I'm against the tears of frustration and anxiety of each and every child.

I'm sick of my heart breaking each day my baby looks at me with eyes brimmed in pain.
(Yes, pain.)
I'm going to fight for him.
I'm going to do what ever it takes to make this right.

My child is not a "guinea pig"
My child is not a test subject
He is not a dollar sign or meant to be a rich man's revenue.

My child is brilliant and beautiful,
Full of life.
I'm going to make sure his light keeps shinning bright.
I'm going to fight for him.

The Human Spirit

Recently we were watching Modern Family and my son was shocked when he realized Cam and Mitch were a couple and also getting married.  I was a little surprised by this because we've watch this show for years and also because I've always supported personal rights.  (I use the term "personal rights" because I hate dividing people.  To me no one is anything but a person and all people have the right to be their innermost self.)

I used the opportunity (don't you love when those pop-up!) to talk to my boys a little about what it means to be "gay" or "straight".  I shared with them about how years before "blacks" and "whites" weren't allowed to mix, and even after segregation ended there were people trying to keep human races separate.  I feel like the same thing is happening now with ever-changing, ever-new, bully-made "crime", and there will be plenty more I'm sure.  (I'm so sick of the status quo.)

I want my boys to know that sexual orientation does not matter.  That it is okay for someone to be different from them (in all things) and different from them never means bad or wrong or evil.

This conversation led us deeper than I thought it would.  It became more of a spiritual talk.  I wanted to see what my children's opinions were and what they thought.  I wanted them to delve into themselves, to see what truths they would discover and pull to the surface.  I love these talks.  No one is ever right or wrong, we all just share.  It's beautiful.

To me:  Human spirits are gender-less, colorless, and it is wrong to assume that our outside shells match the inside exactly.  That is all our bodies are shells.  Cocoons.  A guise.  

I want my boys to know; but I also want them to realize this and learn it on their own.  I don't want to have them just believe it because I do, or because I told them to.  I want them to have open minds that question everything, even me, so that they become the strong thinkers and world changers, the knights that they are meant to be.  For now, we talk, we share, always open, always communicating.

Is This Thing On - PINK (With Lyrics)

Lessons Meant to be Learned

Things are easier when you think of your life as a predetermined destiny that was meant to teach your soul something new. 

Instead of asking "Why me?" start asking, "What is this supposed to teach me?"

When you look at life as a lesson, as a way to gain a greater, more emotional and spiritual existence - things don't ever seem that bad. 

It's tough to learn to do this to begin with.  So incredibly hard to take a step back and look at the picture from an outside view. 

Believe it or not, when you do this you will realize how vast and wide the picture is; how many other people and things are involved, and when you look close enough, you will most definitely find the lesson that is meant for you.

I know what the pain is like.  I know about the doubt and despair. 

It takes a strong person to set that aside and seek not to understand, so much the other person or thing that happened, but to understand yourself.

Sometimes I sit arguing with myself.  I have things pop into my head and my teeth will clench and my gut will start its anxious flight.  It's a daily fight. 

I choose to rise above it.  I chose to be stronger.  I chose to look at the entire big, wide, picture and learn my lesson.  Learn what my soul is yearning for me to know. 

When I delve deep enough I feel like I already do and a voice comes to me saying "My sweet one, why do ask for the answers, that you already know?"

And I reply to my inner voice; "I'm coming!" 

I am a work in progress but I am coming.  I know I'll be there soon.

Say Something, I'm Giving Up On You

Cliche but - GOODBYE and GOOD RIDDANCE 2013

I supposed I should count 2013 as a good year because of what I have learned, become, but I am so glad to leave those feelings of insecurity behind.  This year I have grown so much.  I've learned lessons that I didn't know I needed to learn.  I've proven to myself that I am stronger than I thought I was and no matter what happens in life I just need to continue to be the best me I can be, always.

One of the biggest lessons I learned was that you can not ever force someone to do, to be, to feel.  They have to figure it out for themselves... hopefully before it's to late.  I mean, honestly, what is the point of spending time with, or doing something with a person that doesn't want to be there?  It just makes it miserable for all involved.  It's so incredibly hard when all you want in the entire world is them to "want" to be there when they don't, (believe me I know!) but that's life and what good will forcing them bring to you?  

After-all, I've been through this past year with my marriage I can honestly say that things ARE better.  I don't necessarily think things are so much better with my marriage, as they are with me.  I have endured and put in all the effort I can or want to.  And with that said, I can't honestly say that we will last.  There are to many differences.  To much lack of truly caring.  Not enough true love. 

And I'm sorry people - you can not survive on love alone.  (True love, maybe, because that's the love that goes the distance.)  Go ahead, try to change my mind.  If you could be locked in a room with your man and room service and silky sheets - sure you'll survive, but this is the real world we live in.  There are responsibilities and chores and other people and work and laundry and.... the list goes on and on.  The only way to really survive together is to be partners.  To share the load.  To take a turn being the "rock" once in awhile so the other can recharge.

I do love Sean with all my heart.  I still want him to be my man, but more than that I want him to WANT to be my man.  I DO want to "make it".  We're from entirely different backgrounds and were bought up with entirely different standards.  I don't want to settle anymore and if he doesn't want to "step up to the plate" I love him (and I love myself) enough to let him go.  It will hurt.  If I could get through this past year, I'd survive though.  I have come to a point where I have taken the reins in my life again and nothing or anybody can take them away again. 

As the start of a new year, I vow to be happy no matter what it takes and to make sure my boys learn to be a partner.  Not just when it's convenient, even when it's back-breaking hard labor.

Here's to 2014!