I am a highly sensitive person. Because of this I find myself drawing inward often, because of this, at times, I may seem uncaring or arrogant or brash. Maybe even a bit of a know-it-all. I don't mean to be any of these things.
It's harder for me to articulate or think on the spot with people who don't really know me (part of why I've always loved writing). It's difficult for me to strike up a conversation with people, simple silly things like "How's the weather?" or "Did you have a nice weekend?" just seem so impersonal and cliche. I'd rather learn your favorite childhood memory or how the sunset made you feel or if you had any dreams last night. Real things. Soul things.
I usually keep myself pretty closed off from people. It takes time and patience if you want to get close. I can't help that - I don't need a bunch of friends, I need genuine people. I can smell fake from miles away and tend to stay miles away. I don't hold grudges, but I learn to steer clear from what will only add unnecessary stress or, as I affectionately call it, "the chameleon conundrum". Those who are exactly what they think you want them to be, but never true to themselves, thus not worth my time. Learn to love yourself and be yourself!
Occasionally I will get a sense of deja vu or be drawn to someone - these are people that I click with instantly. Soul sisters mostly - few and far between but those I feel I knew before. They are who I feel best with. Everything is all out on the table. There are no stereotypes to live up to or problems I have to fix or ideals that I need to remain encompassed in or secrets kept - only truth.
I may be tough to swallow for most. I do not play games and have no desire to do so. However, if you force me to play my hand, it's always strong and backed by truth. Sorry if that sounds conceited, but I do my research, sometimes to much, AND I'll admit it when I'm wrong, I'd say that's a fair opponent - but I'll probably win, so it's pointless. ;p
If I let you in, I'm giving you trust and respect. I expect the same. If I find someone unworthy of that due to their actions, it's hard for me to give it back again. Repeat behavior simply gives me more reason to build up a wall. When something happens time and time again it's time to step away. Forgiven doesn't mean to forget and allow to happen again. People to often overlook that.
I probably get agitated or annoyed to much. It's hard juggling so much, every day. If I roll my eyes and sigh loudly - it's because whatever you asked or did, I probably didn't need to be a part of it. It's never ever, ever that I don't want to be there for you when you really need me, but once you reach a certain age, a person should be able to handle certain things without my help. I can't do it all!
I know I don't always talk respectfully. There is no excuse for that. I'm tired and worn out and sick of the same-old,same-old that is constant in my life right now. I have no "partner", it is me alone to balance it all. Speaking in a disrespectful tone is still wrong though. No matter what the reason, no one should ever be made to feel small, even when they cause others to feel small. Two wrongs never make a right.
I am not perfect. I do not pretend to be. Growing, learning, changing, daily.
A work in progress and that's okay, we really all are.
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