Hello Motherhood

I barely remember the day I found out I was pregnant with my Christopher.  All I remember is taking the pregnancy test, seeing the positive sign and feeling strangely complete... and then reality hit me.  Here I was 19 years old and practically estranged from my family.  I was with the love of my life, but we were young, we were uneducated, we were living with a friend and there was no way this would improve our life.  I panicked.  I cried.  I screamed.  I tucked it away, afraid to deal with it, but at the same time knowing without a shadow of a doubt that a precious gift was growing inside of me.

It took a few moody days before I could tell Sean.  He was working as a stock boy at a local grocery store.  I went to visit him for lunch, a ball of nerves and anxiousness.  Instead of telling him I got mad at him and left the store sad and upset.  He didn't even know why.  When he got home that night I told him we had to talk.  I couldn't keep it a secret any longer.  I couldn't be the only one to know.  I'm sad to say I don't remember his reaction.  All I remember is more tears, a mix of happy, scared and sad... maybe not "happy", but I already knew I loved this little thing nestled under my heart.

I think the hardest part about getting pregnant young and unmarried for me was the stigma that came with it.  I was never "that girl".  I was always an honor student, never partied, never drank, never even tried drugs.  I prided myself on knowing right from wrong.  Sean was my first and only.  Now, here I was pregnant.  Looking like the complete opposite of all I ever valued.  It was never a matter of  choosing whether or not to keep the baby.  He was mine the second I found out, yet I was scared of the reactions I was going to get.  Terrified of once again letting the people I loved down.  Afraid not only for my future, but now my unborn child.

Sean had proposed to me the year before, so technically we were engaged, still so young!  He decided we should get married.  He thought it would make things better.  I wasn't so sure it would.  Don't get me wrong, I remember the very second I fell in love with Sean, the very second I knew he was the definition of my love.  I just didn't know if getting married was the right answer because of all the other things we had going on with my family.  So we put it on hold.  We did decide to start looking for an apartment however, and soon we had our first "home".

I think we kept the pregnancy a secret for a few more months.  Neither of us knew how to tell our parents.  Mine didn't like the situation before a baby, they definitely wouldn't get excited about the situation now.  Sean's parents were a little more accepting, but it's still quite the news to tell your parents.  I finally told my mom at a church service I attended with her.  She cried, she hugged me, she told me she would be there for me and help me through this.  She told me that she would tell my dad.  I also broke the news to Sean's mom, he was to "chicken" and couldn't get up the nerve.  So there we were.  Publically pregnant.  There I was publically, no way to hide it, a vision of all I never wanted to be.

Now that the news was out some good things did start to happen.  It was still a rough road but I began to reconnect with my family, the people I had missed for months.  My dad got me a job at the car lot he worked at, my mom called me everyday, and I got to see my "first babies" (Floopy, DJ, and Jimbo) more often.  This is not to say getting pregnant fixed things - not at all - it's just that when you're at your lowest the people you really matter to will be there no matter what to help you through it.  I was ecstatic to have my family and my Sean.

On November 10, 2000 I remember waking up at about 7:30 with an amazing urge to pee.  Sean was in the bathroom getting ready to go to work.  I sat up on the edge of our bed and at that very second our lives changed again.  My water broke, I yelled into Sean "You're not going to work today!" and minutes later we were on our way to the hospital.

I have to say that labor sucks.  It is absolutely one of the most awful things a woman will ever go through, but even in that I lucked out.  We were blessed with our special treasure less than 5 hours later.  Christopher Isaiah was placed in my arms at 12:26pm.  My amazing 8Ib, 2oz bundle of love.  He was perfect.  Remembering that very moment makes all the nonsense that came before it worth it. 

When I look at my oldest son now I know the pride shines in my eyes.  He is becoming an amazing young man.  He is learning honor and integrity - two things I value strongly.  Do what is right, always, even when no one is looking.  Of course he has his moments, as all 12 year old boys do, but he is the kind of person I would want as a friend.  He is growing into a man that I am more than proud to call my son.  (There are a few stories there I will have to save for another time. xoxo)