I don't even know what to write, but I need to do something. I'm so sick of feeling broken. So sick of feeling like there is no way to heal. I feel like I've forgiven and let go and released all my anger but I still have this nagging fear that won't go away. I'll own my issues. I know I can be bitchy and whiney. I know that sometime I need to take a few deep breathes and think things through before responding - before starting something. Who doesn't though?
I just want to feel wanted. I just want to feel loved. Not just by anyone, by the man I gave my heart to so many years ago. I understand marriages go through rough times, but not usually seemingly out of the blue. Not when you felt like your life was all on track and you were on the same page and together. Together.
I just don't get it. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to move forward. I feel so stuck.
The saddest thing is I don't, at this point, even know what he could do to make it better. I don't even know if he can...
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Monday, April 8, 2013
"Sometimes the most ordinary things could be made extraordinary, simply by doing them with the right people"
As we walk down the road my youngest yells "Let's run!" For a few seconds I watch them smiling then burst into a run. The wind rushes by, I look at my boys giggling as they run - they want to beat me, but we're so close. Out-of-breath - I'm so winded I can't even continue a second more... I wink at Chris as Ethan jumps up and down screaming "I won! I won!" Jadan just looks at me with disbelief. When did he get old enough to realize my little scam. They grew to fast.
As we turn onto the railroad tracks it hits me how amazingly beautiful my little boys are. Christopher - as tall as me and in that awkward in-between, but still that sparkling twinkle in his eyes as he looks and explores. Always trying his hardest to be his best at whatever he does. He is beautiful. Jadan - Holding onto his childhood as hard as he can. I think he wishes he could be like Peter Pan already. He knows his time is almost up. At least he's clinging. He is beautiful. Ethan - the very definition of "boy". Dirt and slime and curiosity. My Dennis the Menace. At least his intentions are always good. He is beautiful. I am proud of my three.
I look up from my little daydream and see Ethan charging at me with a smile on his face, I scoop him up and twirl him around (reality hits me) maybe for the last time. Chris and Jadan have found a pond up ahead so Ethan and I run to catch up. "Rock-Throwing Competition" time! We each choose a rock, similar in size and shape, then line-up. Time for the dramatic wind-ups! Launch! Chris is the "wiener"!
Later that night as I'm tucking them into bed, snuggling up to them and kissing them goodnight. I catch their scent. It's all boy, but not smelly or icky like you might think. It's the smell of the wind and the earth. The smell of adventure and curiosity. The smell of everything you want to hold onto. I linger for a few minutes breathing it in. We sing our bedtime song and whisper our "I love you's". Tomorrow will be just as simply perfect as today. Good night my littlest loves.
As we turn onto the railroad tracks it hits me how amazingly beautiful my little boys are. Christopher - as tall as me and in that awkward in-between, but still that sparkling twinkle in his eyes as he looks and explores. Always trying his hardest to be his best at whatever he does. He is beautiful. Jadan - Holding onto his childhood as hard as he can. I think he wishes he could be like Peter Pan already. He knows his time is almost up. At least he's clinging. He is beautiful. Ethan - the very definition of "boy". Dirt and slime and curiosity. My Dennis the Menace. At least his intentions are always good. He is beautiful. I am proud of my three.
I look up from my little daydream and see Ethan charging at me with a smile on his face, I scoop him up and twirl him around (reality hits me) maybe for the last time. Chris and Jadan have found a pond up ahead so Ethan and I run to catch up. "Rock-Throwing Competition" time! We each choose a rock, similar in size and shape, then line-up. Time for the dramatic wind-ups! Launch! Chris is the "wiener"!
Later that night as I'm tucking them into bed, snuggling up to them and kissing them goodnight. I catch their scent. It's all boy, but not smelly or icky like you might think. It's the smell of the wind and the earth. The smell of adventure and curiosity. The smell of everything you want to hold onto. I linger for a few minutes breathing it in. We sing our bedtime song and whisper our "I love you's". Tomorrow will be just as simply perfect as today. Good night my littlest loves.
Saturday, April 6, 2013
Catch 22
April 8, 2013
**Update**
I choose to let go of the anger inside me. For me. Holding onto the anger was like drinking poison but waiting for the other person to die. It affects me more than anyone else. So instead I chose to release it and be the best person I can be. It's hard to do - believe me, it's been months, but when I really let it go a weight was lifted from my shoulders and I could breath again. So I move forward confident that I have no blocks up and that if this marriage is meant to be everything will work out without me being pushy or nagging. Some may say I'm wrong, but when I've always been his "safe place" and all of a sudden there is no place for him at all, of course he'd withdrawal.
Guess what? - I'm back and I'm stronger than I've ever been.
April 6, 2013
I think I'm falling out of love. It took a lot. There was so many ways that he could've prevented it - but it seems like it might have been to little to late.
What the hell does it mean when someone says "I know what I should be doing, but I have no desire to do it."? What am I supposed to take from that? Do I just continue and hope things will get better - or decide to be done? I can't be the only one putting in the effort.
If I was tell our story anonymously to almost anyone in this world, they would choose my side. I know I'm not 100% right or perfect or anything like that - but at least I try. At least I do. There are never any "I can'ts" or "I don't want tos". There was never any possible way for him to feel like I didn't love him. I gave him my everything. What did I do to deserve this?
I'm so sorry that he was never force to grow up. To be all that he's supposed to be. I'm so sorry that he didn't have an example of how a man should treat his wife and kids. Unfortunately for him - there comes a day when you can't blame your past. There comes a day when you need to "man-up" and choose your own path. Your past can't carry you forever. Take the lessons and learn from them and grow. Change.
Every single day, multiple times a day, we all make choices and those choices have consequences - good or bad, and they affect more than just you. It's time to own that. This is no one's fault but your own. If you were unhappy or something bothered you, then you should've spoken up. All you did "trying not to hurt anybody" was make the hurt worse. That's what you continue to do.
You say you want to be treated like an adult, but you can't act like an adult or make any "adult" decisions. You think there will always be tomorrow. I'm here to tell you - there will not. You are loosing me in a way I never thought possible.
The "catch 22" of it all is that this anger inside of me isn't going away and it's making you not want me. The "catch 22" of it all is that I can't just let it go with nothing from you. The "catch 22" of it all is that it's not fair that once again I need to be the adult and be responsible and just let it go if I want it to work out. The "catch 22" sucks. Fortunate for you, I know my decisions affect more than just me. Right now, I know, for my children's sake I need to try. Fortunate for you I am strong. Fortunate for you I was raised with the tools needed to be my best, to try my hardest, no matter what. No matter what. Fortunate for you - maybe not so much for me.
**Update**
I choose to let go of the anger inside me. For me. Holding onto the anger was like drinking poison but waiting for the other person to die. It affects me more than anyone else. So instead I chose to release it and be the best person I can be. It's hard to do - believe me, it's been months, but when I really let it go a weight was lifted from my shoulders and I could breath again. So I move forward confident that I have no blocks up and that if this marriage is meant to be everything will work out without me being pushy or nagging. Some may say I'm wrong, but when I've always been his "safe place" and all of a sudden there is no place for him at all, of course he'd withdrawal.
Guess what? - I'm back and I'm stronger than I've ever been.
April 6, 2013
I think I'm falling out of love. It took a lot. There was so many ways that he could've prevented it - but it seems like it might have been to little to late.
What the hell does it mean when someone says "I know what I should be doing, but I have no desire to do it."? What am I supposed to take from that? Do I just continue and hope things will get better - or decide to be done? I can't be the only one putting in the effort.
If I was tell our story anonymously to almost anyone in this world, they would choose my side. I know I'm not 100% right or perfect or anything like that - but at least I try. At least I do. There are never any "I can'ts" or "I don't want tos". There was never any possible way for him to feel like I didn't love him. I gave him my everything. What did I do to deserve this?
I'm so sorry that he was never force to grow up. To be all that he's supposed to be. I'm so sorry that he didn't have an example of how a man should treat his wife and kids. Unfortunately for him - there comes a day when you can't blame your past. There comes a day when you need to "man-up" and choose your own path. Your past can't carry you forever. Take the lessons and learn from them and grow. Change.
Every single day, multiple times a day, we all make choices and those choices have consequences - good or bad, and they affect more than just you. It's time to own that. This is no one's fault but your own. If you were unhappy or something bothered you, then you should've spoken up. All you did "trying not to hurt anybody" was make the hurt worse. That's what you continue to do.
You say you want to be treated like an adult, but you can't act like an adult or make any "adult" decisions. You think there will always be tomorrow. I'm here to tell you - there will not. You are loosing me in a way I never thought possible.
The "catch 22" of it all is that this anger inside of me isn't going away and it's making you not want me. The "catch 22" of it all is that I can't just let it go with nothing from you. The "catch 22" of it all is that it's not fair that once again I need to be the adult and be responsible and just let it go if I want it to work out. The "catch 22" sucks. Fortunate for you, I know my decisions affect more than just me. Right now, I know, for my children's sake I need to try. Fortunate for you I am strong. Fortunate for you I was raised with the tools needed to be my best, to try my hardest, no matter what. No matter what. Fortunate for you - maybe not so much for me.
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