Catch 22

April 8, 2013
**Update**
I choose to let go of the anger inside me.  For me.  Holding onto the anger was like drinking poison but waiting for the other person to die.  It affects me more than anyone else.  So instead I chose to release it and be the best person I can be.  It's hard to do - believe me, it's been months, but when I really let it go a weight was lifted from my shoulders and I could breath again.  So I move forward confident that I have no blocks up and that if this marriage is meant to be everything will work out without me being pushy or nagging.  Some may say I'm wrong, but when I've always been his "safe place" and all of a sudden there is no place for him at all, of course he'd withdrawal. 
Guess what? - I'm back and I'm stronger than I've ever been. 


April 6, 2013
I think I'm falling out of love.  It took a lot.  There was so many ways that he could've prevented it - but it seems like it might have been to little to late.

What the hell does it mean when someone says "I know what I should be doing, but I have no desire to do it."?  What am I supposed to take from that?  Do I just continue and hope things will get better - or decide to be done?  I can't be the only one putting in the effort.

If I was tell our story anonymously to almost anyone in this world, they would choose my side.  I know I'm not 100% right or perfect or anything like that - but at least I try.   At least I do.  There are never any "I can'ts" or "I don't want tos".  There was never any possible way for him to feel like I didn't love him.  I gave him my everything.  What did I do to deserve this?

I'm so sorry that he was never force to grow up.  To be all that he's supposed to be. I'm so sorry that he didn't have an example of  how a man should treat his wife and kids.  Unfortunately for him - there comes a day when you can't blame your past.   There comes a day when you need to "man-up" and choose your own path.  Your past can't carry you forever.  Take the lessons and learn from them and grow.  Change.

Every single day, multiple times  a day, we all make choices and those choices have consequences - good or bad, and they affect more than just you.  It's time to own that.  This is no one's fault but your own.  If you were unhappy or something bothered you, then you should've spoken up.  All you did "trying not to hurt anybody" was make the hurt worse.  That's what you continue to do.

You say you want to be treated like an adult, but you can't act like an adult or make any "adult" decisions.  You think there will always be tomorrow.  I'm here to tell you - there will not.  You are loosing me in a way I never thought possible.

The "catch 22" of it all is that this anger inside of me isn't going  away and it's making you not want me.  The "catch 22" of it all is that I can't just let it go with nothing from you.  The "catch 22" of it all is that it's not fair that once again I need to be the adult and be responsible and just let it go if I want it to work out.  The "catch 22" sucks.  Fortunate for you, I know my decisions affect more than just me.  Right now, I know, for my children's sake I need to try.  Fortunate for you I am strong.  Fortunate for you I was raised with the tools needed to be my best, to try my hardest, no matter what.  No matter what.  Fortunate for  you - maybe not so much for me.