"Sometimes the most ordinary things could be made extraordinary, simply by doing them with the right people"

As we walk down the road my youngest yells "Let's run!"  For a few seconds I watch them smiling then burst into a run.  The wind rushes by, I look at my boys giggling as they run - they want to beat me, but we're so close.  Out-of-breath - I'm so winded I can't even continue a second more... I wink at Chris as Ethan jumps up and down screaming "I won!  I won!"  Jadan just looks at me with disbelief.  When did he get old enough to realize my little scam.  They grew to fast.

As we turn onto the railroad tracks it hits me how amazingly beautiful my little boys are.  Christopher - as tall as me and in that awkward in-between, but still that sparkling twinkle in his eyes as he looks and explores.  Always trying his hardest to be his best at whatever he does.  He is beautiful.  Jadan - Holding onto his childhood as hard as he can.  I think he wishes he could be like Peter Pan already.  He knows his time is almost up.  At least he's clinging.  He is beautiful.  Ethan - the very definition of "boy".  Dirt and slime and curiosity.  My Dennis the Menace.  At least his intentions are always good.  He is beautiful.  I am proud of my three.

I look up from my little daydream and see Ethan charging at me with a smile on his face, I scoop him up and twirl him around (reality hits me) maybe for the last time.  Chris and Jadan have found a pond up ahead so Ethan and I run to catch up.  "Rock-Throwing Competition" time!  We each choose a rock, similar in size and shape, then line-up.  Time for the dramatic wind-ups!  Launch!  Chris is the "wiener"! 

Later that night as I'm tucking them into bed, snuggling up to them and kissing them goodnight.  I catch their scent.  It's all boy, but not smelly or icky like you might think.  It's the smell of the wind and the earth.  The smell of adventure and curiosity.  The smell of everything you want to hold onto.  I linger for a few minutes breathing it in.  We sing our bedtime song and whisper our "I love you's". Tomorrow will be just as simply perfect as today.  Good night  my littlest loves.

Catch 22

April 8, 2013
**Update**
I choose to let go of the anger inside me.  For me.  Holding onto the anger was like drinking poison but waiting for the other person to die.  It affects me more than anyone else.  So instead I chose to release it and be the best person I can be.  It's hard to do - believe me, it's been months, but when I really let it go a weight was lifted from my shoulders and I could breath again.  So I move forward confident that I have no blocks up and that if this marriage is meant to be everything will work out without me being pushy or nagging.  Some may say I'm wrong, but when I've always been his "safe place" and all of a sudden there is no place for him at all, of course he'd withdrawal. 
Guess what? - I'm back and I'm stronger than I've ever been. 


April 6, 2013
I think I'm falling out of love.  It took a lot.  There was so many ways that he could've prevented it - but it seems like it might have been to little to late.

What the hell does it mean when someone says "I know what I should be doing, but I have no desire to do it."?  What am I supposed to take from that?  Do I just continue and hope things will get better - or decide to be done?  I can't be the only one putting in the effort.

If I was tell our story anonymously to almost anyone in this world, they would choose my side.  I know I'm not 100% right or perfect or anything like that - but at least I try.   At least I do.  There are never any "I can'ts" or "I don't want tos".  There was never any possible way for him to feel like I didn't love him.  I gave him my everything.  What did I do to deserve this?

I'm so sorry that he was never force to grow up.  To be all that he's supposed to be. I'm so sorry that he didn't have an example of  how a man should treat his wife and kids.  Unfortunately for him - there comes a day when you can't blame your past.   There comes a day when you need to "man-up" and choose your own path.  Your past can't carry you forever.  Take the lessons and learn from them and grow.  Change.

Every single day, multiple times  a day, we all make choices and those choices have consequences - good or bad, and they affect more than just you.  It's time to own that.  This is no one's fault but your own.  If you were unhappy or something bothered you, then you should've spoken up.  All you did "trying not to hurt anybody" was make the hurt worse.  That's what you continue to do.

You say you want to be treated like an adult, but you can't act like an adult or make any "adult" decisions.  You think there will always be tomorrow.  I'm here to tell you - there will not.  You are loosing me in a way I never thought possible.

The "catch 22" of it all is that this anger inside of me isn't going  away and it's making you not want me.  The "catch 22" of it all is that I can't just let it go with nothing from you.  The "catch 22" of it all is that it's not fair that once again I need to be the adult and be responsible and just let it go if I want it to work out.  The "catch 22" sucks.  Fortunate for you, I know my decisions affect more than just me.  Right now, I know, for my children's sake I need to try.  Fortunate for you I am strong.  Fortunate for you I was raised with the tools needed to be my best, to try my hardest, no matter what.  No matter what.  Fortunate for  you - maybe not so much for me. 

Do it Differently

It's a hard fight.

We all know that feeling.  The one where your very heart hurts.  The one where the pain in your chest is crushing and almost unbearable.  The one that makes it hard to breath.  The one that no matter what your mind tells you, still send you crushing blow after crushing blow.  The one that makes you want to scream at God "Why?!"
Some of the most important lessons are the ones that bring us to our knees writhing in pain.  It hurts so badly but in the end you're a sparkling diamond.  I know this, you probably know it too, deep inside, but it sucks.
Which leads me to this....

It's true you know.  When you only focus on the good, you're all of a sudden hit with a wall of good.  Don't let the negatives pile up.  You are strong enough to fight them.  You are strong enough to fight the lies your emotions want to you to feel and you are courageous enough to feel the truth in your heart and soul.  Dig deep.  That's where the truth is.  It's a hard fight.  I know it all to well.  It can be done.  I will do it.

From Granny

Don't cry for me, though I be gone - a wish from eternity.
My love for you will always be, this I promise you.
Here I am, right in your heart, ever close to you I stay.
Our memories will help you through and bring many smiles to your face.
At times you need me, I'll be there, different but the same.
You'll hear my voice and feel me near whispering gently  in your ear.
Remember always I loved you so and only left because it was my time to go.
I'm happy here and my only regret is the tears I sometimes see flow.
Shine my sweet, unclench those teeth.  The best is yet to come.

If you want to see the sunshine, you have to weather the storm. (~ Frank Lane)

Infinity

When I sit & look at my life, I realize that no matter what is going on I have amazing forever love in my life.  The family & friends I have truly would stand the test of time and I am blessed beyond a shadow of any doubt. I have faith that the best is yet to come & no one can hold me down.  My future is amazing because of the support & love I have in my life.
Thank you Lord for the many blessings & lessons you have bestowed on me.  

Okay

It's right in front of you.  It's there - you may have to blink a couple times, and squint a little, but it's there.  The blessings.  The small little things that make the day better.  The memories that no matter what can make you smile.  Everything will be okay.