Asleep or Awake Reality or Dream

I'm sitting here questioning if I should publish this post.  Am I going to offend any of my dear friends?  Are people going to think I've gone off my rocker?  The truth is everyone is not ready to hear all this.  The truth is; if this offends you, makes you mad, or changes the way you look at me; then maybe it's time for you to look deeper in yourself.  The truth is you're allowed to feel however you want about this post and about me.  I can't change it.  All I can do is be me.  To be honest, I welcome all discussions/opinions/thoughts.  I wrote what's in me and you are welcome to feel however you do about it.
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Asleep or Awake
Reality or Dream

When I was a child I remember being  told that God was all-knowing, and even though we had free will to do as we chose, God always knew the choice we'd make.  To me the image of myself standing in the middle of a doll house immediately came to my mind.  I saw God, as I would be when playing with my dolls. This vision stuck with me through the years and so did the sense of it being ludicrous. I remember thinking - "What's the point of being God if all you do all day is figure out what you want your dolls to do?"  I also remember thinking "What is free-will? Because if God already know exactly what I'm going to end up doing, it doesn't sound like I'll have many real choices..."

That was from the mind of eleven year old me.
Yes. I have always needed to know more, and I never take someone's word for anything, never have.

Another time someone told me that to get to heaven all I had to do was believe in the "One True Christian God".  I think I kind of shocked them when I replied "Almost all religions say they have the One True God, and how do you know they are wrong if they are as adamant in their rightness as you are?"  I had recently studied up on the major world religions and couldn't believe the similarities; despite the different terms. (Here I was maybe 15.)

I don't believe any of the above really matters in the proportion that humans put on it.  I truly believe that our, yes everyone's, soul really already knows this.  I have seen what happens when someone begins to look inward.  I have listened intently as I've prayed/blessed/surrounded myself/family/friends with the Holy Spirit.
I will say here that I do believe in God - I believe in prayers - I believe in kindness and truth.
I'll also say that I believe that religions have it wrong.
Religion equals division, where God wants us joined.
Separation NEVER works.

When my grandmother passed away over 3 years ago, someone said to me that I should get my kids to church.  That Granny would be so happy to see them there.  Without even thinking, and not even knowing it was coming, I stated "No, now that she's spirit, not physical, she knows it doesn't matter as much." I have to say that I was a little shocked to hear this, even as I spoke it.  It opened my eyes a little more to listening and feeling what was around me.

The statement I made caused me rethink my beliefs.  It made me delve into more.  
I had to find answers.  I looked within.
As I questioned and researched and listened - I really began to realize all the indoctrination that happens to everyone, without our even knowing it.  From the day we're born things are expected of us.  We are raised to think a certain way, to believe a certain way, to expect certain things from those around us.  Let me be clear here - no one is doing anything wrong, just doing what we as humans have 'known' to do.

This indoctrination is a form of 'brainwashing' that we don't even realize is happening.  It's very real though.  Just think of all the adults sitting in church simply because they've been going since they were children.  Just think of all the people living to "keep up with the Jones" no matter how unhappy they are in reality.

My children and I have had many discussions about "God".  I have always asked them how they thought or felt about everything.  I wanted them to know from the very beginning that they do know the answers.  God already gave them to us, all we need to do is listen.  To say I have great children is an understatement.  They amaze me every day.  When I say "Whoa, take a step back and rethink this before you move forward."  They do, as upset as the reminder may make them to start with. I have raised them to be the movers and shakers our world needs.

It takes a strong mind to question everything - and ignorance truly is bliss.  My hope is that everyone who reads this, agreeing with me or not, will look a little deeper within and find what's truly real and what is an illusion. Asleep or awake; Reality or dream... where are you?

Disclaimer: I am only a truth-seeker NOT one who claims to know it all or wants everyone to be like me or agree with me.  Find your own truth.  Find yourself.  Be happy.  Break through the illusions in your life and be real.  Open eyes bring with them an open heart and true peace.  That's all I want for everyone.

Breathe

I realized today that I catch myself holding my breath A LOT.

Teeth clench.

Almost in a trance.

Functioning fully, yet some where else completely.

Odd.

A little nerve wracking - okay maybe a little more than a little.

I seem to get sucked into my thoughts.

And to be honest, I've had A LOT to think about lately.

No anger.

No malice.

Just some big 'ol deep thoughts.

I find myself talking myself down.

"Take a deep breathe now, sweet stuff"

"This to shall pass"

"Will this matter tomorrow... next week... next year..."

"Let it go"

As I've said a million times emotions,

All that "feelings" mumbo jumbo, 

can try all they want to take over my conscientiousness -

but they never succeed.

Mind over matter.

Pure, simple truth.

Even.

If.

It's.

Scary.

Even if I don't want to believe it. 

Because I know that in the grande scheme of things, everything,

Literally everything,

Is meant to happen for a reason.

Our spirit knows exactly what that is,

And will never steer us wrong.

I have personally grown in leaps and bounds in the past few years.

I know it's worth it.

It's hard to remember all that sometimes though.

So hard to always remember.

That's okay, I promise!
It's the "human" curse. 

Try as we might,

It's inescapable.

So instead of fighting,

Fully release it.

Let it go.

Always realizing;

THIS TO SHALL PASS - the good AND the bad.

And the lesson will be learned even if it's months down the road.

Just remember to breathe through it all.

We got this.

A Whispered Calling

As the snow fell softly and soundlessly from the sky she stared up at the full moon.  Gorgeous.  Pure.  For some reason she did not know, but longed to understand, the moon called to her.  The pull was strongest when the moon was full; though each night she found herself stealing glimpses of the sky.  Joy filling her heart whenever she saw it.  A sighting would cause a peace to flow through her; calmness touching her very soul.  A distant memory flitting her thoughts that she couldn't fully remember.  Was it strange she thought, to yearn for a permanent place like this?  Away from the commotions of modern life.

For a few short seconds she seemed to be taken back.  She saw, but at the same time felt as if she were, a young girl standing on a small mountain looking out over the vast lands before her.  It was that odd time of day - the cusp between morning and night.  The sun rising, yet the moon shinning.  Down below her a small cottage lay, smoke puffing from the chimney.  The sunlight just starting to creep up the yard, but just before it could rise she was snapped back to reality.

A dog pawed at the door.  A child called out for "Mom".  The buzzer on the dryer went off.  Reality.  So much to do, but rarely time to do it all.  The daydream was over, yet the thoughts of the girl on the mountain clung to her.  She would visit the daydream again and learn more.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Childhood

The word childhood to me brings back memories of Doyle Road.  There we had leaf houses, trash can swimming pools, mattress gymnastics, backyard baseball or kick ball and child-run theater.  We also raised a baby bird, hatched close to 50 snapping turtle eggs, and ran our first business, a bakery called TED's.   My favorite tree was on Doyle Road; it had the perfect branch for me to climb up, snuggle in and read my latest book. And the lilac bush "fort", and the grape vine "woods" - so many fun memories.  A smile comes to my face whenever I think about it.  To go back to that place would feel like home.  If only it was place instead of a wrinkle in time.

While it's hard to pick just one of these memories, the goal today is to write of one, only one.  So hard to choose, but I can always come back to another one, on another day.  I choose TED's.

The year was probably 1991 or '92.  I had to have been at least 11, actually I'll say 1992, because if I was any less than 12, we wouldn't have been able to make deliveries.  (I couldn't ride my bike on the road until I was 12 - funny how at least 2 younger siblings were allowed to come with me.)  Making chocolate chip cookies at my childhood home was as common as apple juice (meaning it was almost a daily occurrence.)  I think I had the recipe memorized by age 10.  This Summer my friend Danielle and I decided to share our delicious creations with the neighborhood, for a price (which escapes me all these years later). 

First we had to come up with a name.  I can't remember what names were suggested but I know why we settled on TED's - Theresa Erin Danielle.  I also remember being a horrid big sister and telling Erin that she wasn't really a part of our business plan; we were just using her name so our business name would work.  I don't think she really cared because I know she did end up helping to make the cookies and deliver them.  After coming up with a name we made order pamphlets, I believe on Danielle's computer. (She was the cool kid with a computer AND The Oregon Trail game!)

After we had our pamphlets we went door-to-door in our neighborhood taking orders for a dozen chocolate chip or a dozen sugar cookies.  Delivery day would be on Saturday, I recall this specifically because I remember even back then counting in my head how many days we would have to make the dozens of cookies that were sure to be ordered.  We ended up with only a few dozen chocolate chip cookies to make and I was relieved about that for some reason.

On Saturday we made fresh chocolate chip cookies and packaged them in baggies.  We had 3 deliveries to make - the Zink's, Mr Goloski's, and the Darling's.  I was so excited about delivering to the Darling's house.  The Zink's we saw often, and Mr Goloski lived right next door.  The Darling's  house was beautiful with a long, smooth driveway (AND their name was right out of Peter Pan!)  I have no memory of the people living there, only the house, the name, and the story in my head.  

With money in our pockets and deliveries done we continued on our bikes down to Olive Road.  It was a newer road - freshly paved and so smooth.  We loved ridding our bikes up and down the road, wind blowing through my hair as I traveled the flat, level surface.  Turning towards home, I was already thinking up the next idea. (TED's was a short-lived business that lasted that week alone, but we were kids, and had so much more to do!)

Strange sounds in the night - Daily writing exercise

Slowly, slowly, she inched down the stairs.  Reluctantly.  Hair tousled from a fitful sleep, goosebumps raising on her arms as she dragged her sock clad feet forward.  The incessant scratching and moaning had become to much.  Though she dreaded what lay ahead, she dreaded being alone and imagining what it was going on to be worse.  As she reached the bottom of the stairs the noises seemed to disappear.  She took a deep, quiet breath, and peeked around the corner.  Nothing. 

This was impossible.  When she was lying in her bed, just above this very room she had heard it below her.  A scratching noise, that at first she had assumed to be a tree branch or raccoon, but when it had awoken her a second time with a faint moan joining in, she knew it was something else.  At first she had sat dead still, wrapped tightly in her blanket, willing the sound away.  When it had not gone she knew she had to find out what it was.

The first thing she had done was check on her roommate.  Angela was passed out cold.  Even calling her name did not rouse her.  So she had gone to figure out what was happening on her own.  She took another deep breath and looked slowly around the basement.  Nothing seemed out of place.  All was silent.  

As she turned to head back up the stairs she heard a whimper near the door.  Instantly the hairs on the back of her neck went up and a chill ran down her spine.  She slowly turned back towards the door, praying for protection as she did so.  When she saw what was sitting by the door she exhaled loudly.  Relief slid over her.  There by the door was a mother cat, who had evidently just given birth.  Four little kittens were nuzzled up to her nursing peacefully.  

Grateful that the horrors she had imagined were unfounded and untrue, she gathered a box with some soft blankets for the mama cat and kittens.  Gently she moved them all to the box and headed upstairs to get the starving new mother some food.  Once she had done so, and feeling more at ease, but exhausted, she headed back to the comfort of her bed and the soft, cozy blankets she had abandoned.  Snuggled in, she reached down to tenderly pat her new feline friends.  Tomorrow she would find out if they belonged to anyone, tonight their purring would lure her to sleep.

Contemplating Art - Day 1 of my writing every day challenge

They had been here before. Hearts beating in unison as the rain beat down on the little covering they had. It was years ago, seemed like ages ago, but here they are again.

She looked up at him; tears welling in her brown eyes. He was the only man she had ever loved, ever wanted. It was sad how much everything had changed. What once was, though she was terrified to admit, would never be again without a miracle.  They loved each other, always would,  but to much was missing.

She needed more.  As time progressed, he has forgotten that there were still adventures to have and new things to learn. He didn't know her anymore, and sometimes she struggled to know him.

He leaned down, drips of rain catching in his hair, and kissed her forehead softly.  She longed to fold herself into him,  to forget it all. At the same time she was hit with the realization that to do that would only prolong the inevitable and cause more confusion for them both.

To pull away seemed like the nicest thing she could do, the only thing she could do.  For him and for her.  So she did, the tears streaming down her face & blending with the rain falling from the sky. She gave him one last look as she turned away. Saw the pain in his eyes that mimicked her own, but she knew deep down this was for the best.

Unfortunately, the right thing often is the most painful.

Why I Refuse the NYS Tests and Oppose Common Core Curriculum

Written by Theresa Lang-Bruno

If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough.
~ Albert Einstein

I've had so many people ask me lately if I think my stance on the current state of education and refusing the state tests will truly make any difference, and if I really think anything will change.  I've even had a few say to me, “Why focus on something so small when there are so many bigger issues out there?”

My answer is this: 

The people that control the school system are the same people that will be molding your children's minds.  Think about that.  Our children are in school more waking hours then they are home with their families.  Studies have shown for years that the developing mind of a child is malleable and anxious to learn.  The curriculum going into these young minds will stay with them and shape them into the future adults they will be.  I, for one, want a say in that.  Government control of education has no place in America.  It is leading America towards a Communist government instead of the Democracy it is supposed to be.  It takes away freedom, and very honestly becomes an easy way to brainwash and manipulate the future adults of America.

I do not see it as a small issue.  It is huge.  Literally, the people who have control of our children’s education are the ones that will shape their outlook on life.  They are the ones who will create the exactly what future generations will be like, down to a T.  It will sometimes be subliminally, and sadly many parents won’t even know it’s happening.   

I think that we can make a difference.  I think we can change things.  And I think if you see this as a small issue, it’s going to come back and bite you when you least expect it to.  The more people that stand up and say “NO!"  "This is not right!" "I will not have this!” the more we will see a change.  When that change comes it will lead more people to stand up for their rights and to see that they do have a voice.

I want my children to learn to think for themselves, not how to fit perfectly into a box (which in no way can both prepare them for career and college!).  All 3 of them are so completely different.  They do not belong in a one-size-fits-all box.  They are amazing individuals.  They have been taught to think for themselves and to share their opinions and to question everything.  Yes, everything, even me.  Respectfully and politely with good reasoning and facts, they can even question me.

So here's the deal. 

I am against Common Core. 

I am against State Testing. 

I have made the decision to REFUSE the testing this year, and EVERY year they subject the schools to them, and I do not put much emphasis on the Common Core homework.

This is because I am strongly against the government controlling our schools, implementing programs and telling us that we have no choice but to follow them.  I am against the government and "higher ups" trying to convince us we have no voice.  I am against political leaders black-mailing schools into agreeing with the Common Core implementation with the promise of more funding - what school doesn't need more funding!?!  Schools were never meant to be controlled by the Government.  It is unconstitutional, and, seems to me, close to illegal.  (All I can picture is Hogwart's when Snape was headmaster!)  

Education should have transparency! There is no reason for false threats, wrap-arounds and secrets! All that does is emphasis there is a bigger picture!

I am against teachers being evaluated by how well their students do on these state tests, and in turn teachers feeling the need to teach to a test instead of being able to share their love of knowledge with the children they've always wanted to help. Teachers go to college for their love of children and their desire to make a difference in lives. Our world today is lacking in so much. There are so many children who do not get the love, comfort, peace, etc.that they should receive in their home. Elementary classrooms were that to them. These teachers with big hearts for these beautiful children want to be that. Textbooks can only teach so much. What used to be a full-circle education is coming down to rote and mechanics. When we know due to study after study that play and touch are so important to young children - why would we push for a more confining and rigid atmosphere?  Why would we want more rote and mechanics and less humanity?  Bring teaching back to it's 'core' and we will see everything turn around. What do you want the future America to look like?

There is no way to be both 'career-ready' and 'college-ready'.  This is what these Common Core advocates claim to be able to achieve.  All they will do is simply weed-out the unwanted and cause more drop-outs.

But more than anything I am against "The Man" trying to stomp on the little people.  There are more of us than them!  We need to fight and, as a unit, our voices will  be heard.

Do I think we will be able to abolish Common Core and get our education system back to where it belongs (and I'm not saying it doesn't or didn't need some reform!). 

My answer is YES and more so.  I think when people realize, that with little, small steps, (like sharing information with friends) a big difference will be made.  When our voices raise together and others see it, we will see real changes taking place, and we'll see more people stepping up to stand tall and proud for what is right. 

There is no way to change things you do not like if you do not put an effort in.  There is no sense in complaining about the things you do not like if you refuse to stand tall.  Do not whine to me about how awful something is, if you will not attempt to make a change.

So this is it.  This is my "simple" answer and the reasons I feel so strongly about my decision to refuse.  I wrote this for me, to help me realize exactly how I felt and exactly why, but I'm sharing it with you so you will understand what is really at stake here.  This is huge.  I hope you all take the time to think about what I've said and make an informed decision for yourself and your family.

Written by Theresa Lang-Bruno

https://www.facebook.com/tml4593

Additional Resources:

http://www.nysape.org/refusing-the-test-resources.html

http://www.stopccssinnys.com/Refuse_The_Test.html

Building the Machine movie (40mins)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zjxBClx01jc

Me

I am a strongly opinionated person.  I have a core set of standards and beliefs that will not be shaken.  I feel them in my very soul.  The most important thing in my life is my family.  The 5 of us.  A close second is my extended family, then friends, then work, and so on.  That is the physical world.  My God is all around me, in everything, and because God is everything, by holding my world in high esteem, and working towards being the best I can be, I worship him.  I have learned that everything I will ever go through in life, the good, and the bad, was given to me by God to help my spirit grow and to teach me the lessons my soul craves.  This makes me want to work hard to be an example for my sons.  To teach them by showing them, not by telling them.

We all have days we fail.  We all are hypocrites.  But the real lesson is to learn to not only say I'm sorry, but to change the behavior you're sorry for so it will not happen again.  To try your hardest to be the best you.  In my life, "I'm sorry" means I didn't mean to make you feel that way AND I will try my hardest not to do it again.

There will not be a day that will pass when I will not reflect on how I could have been better, to say "I love you" to those I love and say a prayer of thanksgiving for my blessings.

I am honest to a fault.  I can not lie.  I also am intuitive.  Don't even try lying to me, because chances are you will get caught.  Once you break my trust you will literally need to climb mountains to get it back.  Dishonesty and lies do not belong anywhere in my life.  I am real.  If you don't like that stay away.  I have nothing to hide, and I won't even try.

If I say I'll do something, it will be done.  If you need my help I'll be there in a second.  I rarely feel out of place because I am, rarely put in a place that I, myself, have not chosen to be in.  I dream big, because there is never a reason to not aim as high as possible.  It will always be hard for me to say "I want" or "I need", because there will always be someone that has something more important then what I want or need, and I am grateful for all I have already.

Yes, sometimes I can be bitchy or sarcastic, (That's me trying to get you to see reality, because chances are  you've done something really stupid...) but underneath that I assure you I'm warm and caring.  Usually, I need a little while for that side to show - maybe you're not worth my effort.  Or maybe you stand for everything I do not, in which case you don't belong in my life - and that's okay everyone does not need to be friends - just civil and gracious because we do share this planet.

I tend to study and learn and inform myself about everything that I feel is important.  Watch out if you disagree or have another opinion.  No I won't fight with you, but I would love to discuss it all and hear your side.  Heated debates are awesome.  Please try and change my mind.  Just make sure you can backup what you say.  One more thing, if a heated debate will make you mad or unfriendly, keep it to yourself.  Like I said, I don't want a fight, I want to expand my knowledge.

I believe that everyone was created equally, but due to individuality everyone should be treated fairly, not equally.  Equally means everyone should be exactly the same and do exactly the same.  That's not a place I want to live in.  Fairly means everyone should be treated according to what is morally right.  What is morally right, depends a great deal on the situation and where you are.  Meaning, something morally wrong here in America may be morally right in another country, or vice versa.  It depends on how you were raised.

I think that's all for now.  Thoughts are out. 

It's a new year! 2015!

So as far as New Year's Resolutions go I don't really make them. I've come to realize that it doesn't matter much, that this is our life, and yes, we have choices, but at the same time there is this great predetermined plan that our soul already knows.  That no matter what our situation is, no matter how great, or how awful it is at the present moment, we are exactly where we are meant to be.  Plus, I like to rebel, and since everyone is making one I have to take the lonely man's road and opt out.  Follower I am not.

This has been a year of growth, painful losses,  joyous triumphs, all mixed together in one giant life lesson.  A year in which I've grown so much.  A year in which  my family has become a unit again.  And best of all a year where the love of my life really and truly "sees" us again.

I  won't ever again allow myself to be less than me.  I will never have a reason to be quiet when I know I should speak.  My heart and my mind will be open to all possibilities, and a complete understanding that each and everyone of us have their own path to follow.  

I am a perfectionist by nature.  I have always strived to be the very best at whatever it was I wanted or had to do.  What is the point, after all, of doing anything, if you don't do it right?  I was able to let go of a little of that this year.  To be comfortable "going with the flow" a little more than in the past.  Every time I feel myself start to get anxious or uncomfortable I say "You are where you're meant to be. This to shall pass."  I am finally able to relax.  To breathe.  To be at peace with who I am and where I plan on going. And boy do I have plans!  This is a take-charge year!  Great and beautiful things are coming our way, I can taste it!  ;)

I've learned a lot about people.  Sometimes more than I wanted to know, but true colors always have a way of peaking out and masks can't stay on forever.  It's heart-breaking and sad, but you always get exactly what you put into your life.  Choices made always affect more than just you.  Life's ripples.

The best part of this entire year was seeing my husband get the twinkle in his eyes back, the twinkle I fell in love with so long ago.  He may be mad (embarrassed) at me for saying this, but when you look at him, before he even opens his mouth, you can see it.  He is happy.  He is appreciated. He is beautiful.  Those eyes twinkle again because he sees us, because he has become the man I always knew was there, and most of all because he knows that he's exactly where he wants to be.  He is receiving the respect and admiration he always deserved, as the hard-working and loyal man he always wanted and tried to be. I am so proud of him and so in love with him and that is the very best, most important thing.

So here's to a new year, a continuation and new start all in one!  Bring it 2015, I'm ready!

Just Wait

I can never make you understand the way you make me feel.
What hurts the most is that you don't really try to understand.
Instead you brush it off, "Crazy". "Girl". etc.
Words mean nothing when actions don't match.

I can calmly explain it.
Yet I get no response.
I can cry, I can scream.
But all that does is make you shut down.

Don't you understand that if you can't open up,
Can't calm my fears,
Can't share yourself a little more,
We will cease to exist.

I am empty of almost all that is "us".
I am burned out.
There is a hole in my heart that has not been replenished since the day you first took it away.
Yet you want me to wait.
You say that you're trying.

I say you can not always have excuses.
I say you can not always make promise, seldom kept.
I say you can have all of me,
But not if you can not give me all of you.

I want someone to share an entire life with,
Not just the parts that are convenient.
Everything.