The Four Agreements

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello Motherhood

I barely remember the day I found out I was pregnant with my Christopher.  All I remember is taking the pregnancy test, seeing the positive sign and feeling strangely complete... and then reality hit me.  Here I was 19 years old and practically estranged from my family.  I was with the love of my life, but we were young, we were uneducated, we were living with a friend and there was no way this would improve our life.  I panicked.  I cried.  I screamed.  I tucked it away, afraid to deal with it, but at the same time knowing without a shadow of a doubt that a precious gift was growing inside of me.

It took a few moody days before I could tell Sean.  He was working as a stock boy at a local grocery store.  I went to visit him for lunch, a ball of nerves and anxiousness.  Instead of telling him I got mad at him and left the store sad and upset.  He didn't even know why.  When he got home that night I told him we had to talk.  I couldn't keep it a secret any longer.  I couldn't be the only one to know.  I'm sad to say I don't remember his reaction.  All I remember is more tears, a mix of happy, scared and sad... maybe not "happy", but I already knew I loved this little thing nestled under my heart.

I think the hardest part about getting pregnant young and unmarried for me was the stigma that came with it.  I was never "that girl".  I was always an honor student, never partied, never drank, never even tried drugs.  I prided myself on knowing right from wrong.  Sean was my first and only.  Now, here I was pregnant.  Looking like the complete opposite of all I ever valued.  It was never a matter of  choosing whether or not to keep the baby.  He was mine the second I found out, yet I was scared of the reactions I was going to get.  Terrified of once again letting the people I loved down.  Afraid not only for my future, but now my unborn child.

Sean had proposed to me the year before, so technically we were engaged, still so young!  He decided we should get married.  He thought it would make things better.  I wasn't so sure it would.  Don't get me wrong, I remember the very second I fell in love with Sean, the very second I knew he was the definition of my love.  I just didn't know if getting married was the right answer because of all the other things we had going on with my family.  So we put it on hold.  We did decide to start looking for an apartment however, and soon we had our first "home".

I think we kept the pregnancy a secret for a few more months.  Neither of us knew how to tell our parents.  Mine didn't like the situation before a baby, they definitely wouldn't get excited about the situation now.  Sean's parents were a little more accepting, but it's still quite the news to tell your parents.  I finally told my mom at a church service I attended with her.  She cried, she hugged me, she told me she would be there for me and help me through this.  She told me that she would tell my dad.  I also broke the news to Sean's mom, he was to "chicken" and couldn't get up the nerve.  So there we were.  Publically pregnant.  There I was publically, no way to hide it, a vision of all I never wanted to be.

Now that the news was out some good things did start to happen.  It was still a rough road but I began to reconnect with my family, the people I had missed for months.  My dad got me a job at the car lot he worked at, my mom called me everyday, and I got to see my "first babies" (Floopy, DJ, and Jimbo) more often.  This is not to say getting pregnant fixed things - not at all - it's just that when you're at your lowest the people you really matter to will be there no matter what to help you through it.  I was ecstatic to have my family and my Sean.

On November 10, 2000 I remember waking up at about 7:30 with an amazing urge to pee.  Sean was in the bathroom getting ready to go to work.  I sat up on the edge of our bed and at that very second our lives changed again.  My water broke, I yelled into Sean "You're not going to work today!" and minutes later we were on our way to the hospital.

I have to say that labor sucks.  It is absolutely one of the most awful things a woman will ever go through, but even in that I lucked out.  We were blessed with our special treasure less than 5 hours later.  Christopher Isaiah was placed in my arms at 12:26pm.  My amazing 8Ib, 2oz bundle of love.  He was perfect.  Remembering that very moment makes all the nonsense that came before it worth it. 

When I look at my oldest son now I know the pride shines in my eyes.  He is becoming an amazing young man.  He is learning honor and integrity - two things I value strongly.  Do what is right, always, even when no one is looking.  Of course he has his moments, as all 12 year old boys do, but he is the kind of person I would want as a friend.  He is growing into a man that I am more than proud to call my son.  (There are a few stories there I will have to save for another time. xoxo)

 

Dear Husband

When I packed your bag to kick you out this weekend and then allowed you to stay I thought we had come to a sort of mutual agreement.  I told you the bare minimal requirement I needed from you was to be reassured that you loved me and were thinking about me on a regular basis.  I can give you some space and keep from obsessing over our relationship if you can give me this.  All I was asking for was a few texts throughout the day or a phone call.  Something.  This is not new and you know it.  The very next day you leave for work and forget me.  Maybe not in the "I don't have a wife" kind of way but definitely in the "her feelings don't matter" way.  This is not okay.  Not even being able to comprehend how important the bare minimal is, makes me feel like I -"Us"- isn't as important as it should be to you.

When someone loves you unconditionally and is willing to (literally) be in pain to help you through something, you don't take advantage of them.  Yet, you take advantage again and again.  My heart is breaking.  I'm being suffocated.  Yet, here you stand, to inconvenienced to even do the bare minimal.

You could make this easier by just speaking the truth.  Telling me your true feelings, even if they hurt is the only way we will be able to work through this.  Your "I don't knows" and lack of reasons are ruining us.  Your inability to give me time and attention is ruining us.

How much space could you actually need anyways?  Most men don't work a 12-15hr day and then demand weekends completely for themselves.  You already are away more than you are with me or your children on any given week.  I am not a single mom.  This is not okay.

If you want me to wait around any longer you need to do a few things, (with 100% effort), without them, I have had enough.  I can not do this to myself or our children anymore.

1. Whether you think it's stupid or not, I do need to hear from you a few times a day.  It is not fair for you to think you can just disappear for 12-15hrs every day and have no connection to home. 
2. You need to choose me.  Choosing me does not mean you sit at home and do nothing.  It means you choose to have fun with me, regardless of where we are or what we're doing.  Your attitude on this has been making me have a bad attitude - I understand that, but if you don't start trying we are through.
3. You have responsibilities to not only me, but our children - you need to start taking those seriously.  You made a commitment to me, one God and most humans agree is pretty sacred.  I need to know you're still committed - if not, it's time to stop playing games with me.
4. We won't ever work if you can not be "real" with me.  If you are a different person when you're not around me that is a problem.  I can not be with someone who can't share all of himself.  Unfortunately, I think you are more judgmental of yourself than I could ever be.  You have created in your head how you think I would react to whatever "secret self" you have, and that just makes me feel like you don't know me at all.

I hope you can understand where I am coming from and know how much I truly love you.  You ARE my favorite and I think you'd be surprised at how well I really do know you.  Or maybe not, would I even be here if I didn't know the deeper you?  You need to believe in me... in us... We won't be a "We" with only one of us fighting for that. 

I love you for longer than always, to infinity and beyond,
~Me.

Let it Go, be Strong but Soft

True justice is paying only once for each mistake. True injustice is paying more than once for each mistake. The human is the only animal on earth that pays a thousand times for the same mistake. (Don Miguel Ruiz)

No one wants others to keep reminding them of the mistakes they made; why then do we constantly remind others of the mistakes they made? I know I'm guilty. I think it's because I'm so afraid that same mistake might happen again by that same person - it's self-protection. To let go, means opening yourself up again and being vulnerable. That is very hard to do. That takes true strength.

I know that all hardships bring lessons.  That once you're through them you have become a better person.  That even if it seems like everything makes no sense right now, when you look back you'll see the reason behind the chaos.  All those things might be true but it doesn't make it easier.

When your world crashes down you can't crumple with it - it's at this time that you build your world back up - better and stronger - so that even if the hits keep coming they bounce right off.  I just have to remember to be soft too.  The snuggly soft so the things that are meant to stay aren't scared away by the tough exterior.  Strong but soft. 

Uncertainty

I don't even know what to write, but I need to do something.  I'm so sick of feeling broken.  So sick of feeling like there is no way to heal.  I feel like I've forgiven and let go and released all my anger but I still have this nagging fear that won't go away.  I'll own my issues.  I know I can be bitchy and whiney.  I know that sometime I need to take a few deep breathes and think things through before responding - before starting something.  Who doesn't though? 

I just want to feel wanted.  I just want to feel loved.  Not just by anyone, by the man I gave my heart to so many years ago.  I understand marriages go through rough times, but not usually seemingly out of the blue.  Not when you felt like your life was all on track and you were on the same page and together.  Together.

I just don't get it.  I don't know what to do.  I don't know how to move forward.  I feel so stuck.

The saddest thing is I don't, at this point, even know what he could do to make it better.  I don't even know if he can... 

"Sometimes the most ordinary things could be made extraordinary, simply by doing them with the right people"

As we walk down the road my youngest yells "Let's run!"  For a few seconds I watch them smiling then burst into a run.  The wind rushes by, I look at my boys giggling as they run - they want to beat me, but we're so close.  Out-of-breath - I'm so winded I can't even continue a second more... I wink at Chris as Ethan jumps up and down screaming "I won!  I won!"  Jadan just looks at me with disbelief.  When did he get old enough to realize my little scam.  They grew to fast.

As we turn onto the railroad tracks it hits me how amazingly beautiful my little boys are.  Christopher - as tall as me and in that awkward in-between, but still that sparkling twinkle in his eyes as he looks and explores.  Always trying his hardest to be his best at whatever he does.  He is beautiful.  Jadan - Holding onto his childhood as hard as he can.  I think he wishes he could be like Peter Pan already.  He knows his time is almost up.  At least he's clinging.  He is beautiful.  Ethan - the very definition of "boy".  Dirt and slime and curiosity.  My Dennis the Menace.  At least his intentions are always good.  He is beautiful.  I am proud of my three.

I look up from my little daydream and see Ethan charging at me with a smile on his face, I scoop him up and twirl him around (reality hits me) maybe for the last time.  Chris and Jadan have found a pond up ahead so Ethan and I run to catch up.  "Rock-Throwing Competition" time!  We each choose a rock, similar in size and shape, then line-up.  Time for the dramatic wind-ups!  Launch!  Chris is the "wiener"! 

Later that night as I'm tucking them into bed, snuggling up to them and kissing them goodnight.  I catch their scent.  It's all boy, but not smelly or icky like you might think.  It's the smell of the wind and the earth.  The smell of adventure and curiosity.  The smell of everything you want to hold onto.  I linger for a few minutes breathing it in.  We sing our bedtime song and whisper our "I love you's". Tomorrow will be just as simply perfect as today.  Good night  my littlest loves.

Catch 22

April 8, 2013
**Update**
I choose to let go of the anger inside me.  For me.  Holding onto the anger was like drinking poison but waiting for the other person to die.  It affects me more than anyone else.  So instead I chose to release it and be the best person I can be.  It's hard to do - believe me, it's been months, but when I really let it go a weight was lifted from my shoulders and I could breath again.  So I move forward confident that I have no blocks up and that if this marriage is meant to be everything will work out without me being pushy or nagging.  Some may say I'm wrong, but when I've always been his "safe place" and all of a sudden there is no place for him at all, of course he'd withdrawal. 
Guess what? - I'm back and I'm stronger than I've ever been. 


April 6, 2013
I think I'm falling out of love.  It took a lot.  There was so many ways that he could've prevented it - but it seems like it might have been to little to late.

What the hell does it mean when someone says "I know what I should be doing, but I have no desire to do it."?  What am I supposed to take from that?  Do I just continue and hope things will get better - or decide to be done?  I can't be the only one putting in the effort.

If I was tell our story anonymously to almost anyone in this world, they would choose my side.  I know I'm not 100% right or perfect or anything like that - but at least I try.   At least I do.  There are never any "I can'ts" or "I don't want tos".  There was never any possible way for him to feel like I didn't love him.  I gave him my everything.  What did I do to deserve this?

I'm so sorry that he was never force to grow up.  To be all that he's supposed to be. I'm so sorry that he didn't have an example of  how a man should treat his wife and kids.  Unfortunately for him - there comes a day when you can't blame your past.   There comes a day when you need to "man-up" and choose your own path.  Your past can't carry you forever.  Take the lessons and learn from them and grow.  Change.

Every single day, multiple times  a day, we all make choices and those choices have consequences - good or bad, and they affect more than just you.  It's time to own that.  This is no one's fault but your own.  If you were unhappy or something bothered you, then you should've spoken up.  All you did "trying not to hurt anybody" was make the hurt worse.  That's what you continue to do.

You say you want to be treated like an adult, but you can't act like an adult or make any "adult" decisions.  You think there will always be tomorrow.  I'm here to tell you - there will not.  You are loosing me in a way I never thought possible.

The "catch 22" of it all is that this anger inside of me isn't going  away and it's making you not want me.  The "catch 22" of it all is that I can't just let it go with nothing from you.  The "catch 22" of it all is that it's not fair that once again I need to be the adult and be responsible and just let it go if I want it to work out.  The "catch 22" sucks.  Fortunate for you, I know my decisions affect more than just me.  Right now, I know, for my children's sake I need to try.  Fortunate for you I am strong.  Fortunate for you I was raised with the tools needed to be my best, to try my hardest, no matter what.  No matter what.  Fortunate for  you - maybe not so much for me. 

Do it Differently

It's a hard fight.

We all know that feeling.  The one where your very heart hurts.  The one where the pain in your chest is crushing and almost unbearable.  The one that makes it hard to breath.  The one that no matter what your mind tells you, still send you crushing blow after crushing blow.  The one that makes you want to scream at God "Why?!"
Some of the most important lessons are the ones that bring us to our knees writhing in pain.  It hurts so badly but in the end you're a sparkling diamond.  I know this, you probably know it too, deep inside, but it sucks.
Which leads me to this....

It's true you know.  When you only focus on the good, you're all of a sudden hit with a wall of good.  Don't let the negatives pile up.  You are strong enough to fight them.  You are strong enough to fight the lies your emotions want to you to feel and you are courageous enough to feel the truth in your heart and soul.  Dig deep.  That's where the truth is.  It's a hard fight.  I know it all to well.  It can be done.  I will do it.

From Granny

Don't cry for me, though I be gone - a wish from eternity.
My love for you will always be, this I promise you.
Here I am, right in your heart, ever close to you I stay.
Our memories will help you through and bring many smiles to your face.
At times you need me, I'll be there, different but the same.
You'll hear my voice and feel me near whispering gently  in your ear.
Remember always I loved you so and only left because it was my time to go.
I'm happy here and my only regret is the tears I sometimes see flow.
Shine my sweet, unclench those teeth.  The best is yet to come.

If you want to see the sunshine, you have to weather the storm. (~ Frank Lane)