Missing You

I have been trying to write this so many times in the past few weeks.  When you put something in writing, it really seems permanent and complete.  Some times that is one of the hardest things for me.

Not a day goes by that I don't think about my Granny.  This month marks one whole year since I saw her - since I was able to sit and talk to her about everything and anything - since I was able to feel her arms around me - since I was able to hear her laugh.  So many things have changed in a year.  The boys have grown so much.  There are so many things I'd love to tell her, things that she would always just know about my life that I can no longer share with her.  She pops into my head every time the boys come home from school with a story or get a good grade on a paper or something funny happens or they do good in sports... all the time!  Every time I take a good photo - see for years I always got doubles of all my pictures, I sometimes still do out of habit.  I know she's "here" and I can feel her sometimes, but we all know that 's not the same.

A few month ago my cousin Heather and I went to Uncle Brian's and got the boxes of old family photos.  I've been going through them and trying to get as many as possible scanned into the computer.  So many memories, so many years.  Since I was a little girl one of my favorite things was going to spend the night with Granny and without a doubt I would end up in the basement looking through the old photos.  I would pick out a handful, bring them to her at the kitchen table, and listen to her share all the memories the photos triggered.  I remember for the first time seeing my daddy and uncles in my head as little kids.  Realizing that they were in a sense, just like me and my siblings/cousins.  It was so mesmerizing to me.  I loved seeing the photos of Granny as a young girl and mother.  Those photos of her with her boys make me feel even closer to her.  She once was in the very same place I am with my boys.  Still mesmerizes me.  I love that connection.

Her stories are one of the things I miss the most.  No matter what was going on in my life a visit with her was like a recharge.  The boys and I liked to stop at Wegman's (for a sub picnic) or McDonald's (for caramel sundaes) on our way over to visit.  We would sit in the garden when it was warm and she would watch the boys play tag or trying to find the frogs in the little pond just smiling.  We would sit the little café when it was cooler.  Granny digging through her little purse for coins so the boys could each have their very own soda - no sharing allowed, drinking her coffee and story-telling or listening to the boys tell their stories.  The boys loved her as much as she loved them.  They always wanted to go visit, even asking to go if we hadn't been recently. 

Ethan (age 9) still brings up Granny at least once a month.  He drew a picture of him and her on the cover of his art journal for school.  A blessing and a curse for my sweet sensitive boy.  I'm so glad to know that he was so close to her, but so sad to see the twinge of pain in his eyes when he brings her up.  I don't want him to forget her but I never thought it would be this hard for him since he was so young.  Last year about this time Ethan (who always had short hair) decided to grow out his curls.  I remember getting him ready for school and without thinking saying "I can't wait to show Granny your curls!"  He looked at me and said in the sweetest way "We can't go show her mom, but I know she sees them and loves them!"  It took everything in me to hold myself together until the bus came.  My sweet, sweet boy.

Christopher has a photo of Granny and him together on his shelf, right next to her "Shoot for the Stars" angel.  He knows that's exactly what she would want him to do.  I make sure he knows how proud she'd be of him.  Jadan is always a little harder to read.  He knows there is nothing he can do to change the fact that she's gone, so he tries to just pretend it never happened.  He's the stoic one in this house, but he also has one of her angels on his shelf.

I am so blessed to have had such a great relationship with Granny.  She was more than a grandmother to me, she was a friend and confidant.  I enjoyed her and I was even more blessed to be able to share that relationship with my children as well.  I still hear her voice in my head some days when I need some encouragement.  I don't think a day will ever go bye that I don't in some way think of her.  At least there are so many smiles in the tears and that make it all worth it. 

 

All you Need...

Until recently I thought love was "all you need".  Now I know that's not completely true.  I mean, yes, if we could live in a box or stay frozen in one of those special moments you have with your special some one love IS all you need; but the reality is we have to go out in the world.  We have to deal with real life.  There will be arguments and disagreements but overall, we have to be on the same page, if you're not, you'll need more.  Love that isn't willing to go above and beyond for the other - is still love, but it's not all you need.  It probably won't be enough.

Hard talks. Awesome son.

The inevitable has happened.  But despite that I don't think I'm quite ready.

After I put the younger boys to bed tonight I sat down with my oldest son to have one of those conversations you always think you have a few more years before you have to have.  I'm not talking about sex or drugs or any illegal behavior.  Those that know me know I'm pretty open with my kids.  There isn't much we haven't talked about and their moral compasses are on the right track.

This talk was about how hard it can be to fully know a right from a wrong, but to be in a place where wrong is "right".  This talk was about how I fully trust my son, how awkward and uncomfortable these situations can be, and how he 100% will be in a place like this some day, probably multiple times.  Peer pressure.  (Ugh, do I really have a son this old?!?!?!) 

We talked about how there will be decisions he'll have to make on his own.  Things to do and places to go that will be his choice alone.  I can prepare him, I can give him the tools he needs to make the right decisions but I can't always be there.  I can't always guide him.  He will need to be free to learn from his mistakes and grow into his own person.  I'll always be there no matter what, but he's growing up, whether I like it or not.

I thought I would get the eye-rolls and shoulder shrugs teenagers are known for, instead I had this young man sit next to me and have a full conversation.  He told me some of his thoughts and fears.  He told me he understood.  He made sure I knew that he understood.  When our talk was over he gave me a hug and asked me if I had any pimple cream he could use...

God, I'm not ready for this!  However, I am amazed and so proud of the young man I now have living under my roof.  Thank you!

Land-Owners

So the land has been purchased.  Completed.  Bought.  I still don't know if it was the right decision but the boys are excited.  We went there today to walk the perimeter and explore a little.  They were so happy.  Already pointing out exactly where they want "their" log fort to be and "claiming" their trees.  With 3 boys I think everything will always be an adventure... and a fight. 

They are planning out their next big thing.  Picturing in their heads exactly what they'd like the new house, yard and their bedrooms to look like.  I can't lie, I'm doing the same.  Just in my head there is still the doubt.  Now we have the land but I'm I just going to end up disappointing them (and me) again...

We were supposed to close on the land back in December 2012.  Here it is September 2013.  It was us holding off.  Not doubting the big commitment of land but doubting our marriage.  I do feel we had somewhat of a moral obligation to the land owner because we initiated the sale, but I still don't feel it was the best thing to do for us.

What's next?  There will be the big job of clearing the area for a house.  I'll have to speak to a couple banks to see what kind of builder's loan we can get.  Then comes the stressful house-building... if we get that far. 

See I am an optimist - I want things to work out - but I'm also not someone who can wait forever.  I know that I can do-have-get what ever I need or want, I'm just that kind of person, but I'm a little confused right now as to what those are right now.  It sucks when all you get is "I'm trying..."

More Important than the Show

Watching my kids (or any kid really)
- do something new
- see something new
- experience something new. 

 

Best thing ever.

 

Watching their faces not what they're watching. 

Hearing their laughter not just the joke. 

Seeing the sparkle in their eyes when they're smiling.

 

Best thing ever.

 

Another best thing - seeing someone else seeing what's more important than the show and watching them enjoy catching that glimpse of pure joy.

 

Best thing ever.

 

I am one lucky girl to have so much of that all around me and parents that made sure I always saw more than what was right in front of me.

Summer Ending Just Means Some New Beginnings.

This morning I woke up earlier than usual and ventured into each of my boys' room to make sure they were rising with the sun too.  Today was the first day of school.  Summer is over.  I know people say it all the time, but it's still crazy - Time passes far to quickly. 

Christopher starts 7th grade this year... SEVENTH.  I took him to get his haircut today and it was like a transformation.  I went in there with my first baby, my precious son-shine, and although he's still the same, when all was said and done out walked a handsome teenager.

I remember when he was in kindergarten.  I remember the very moment I realized that as small as he was, and as much as he still needed me, my baby now had a life of his own and that I didn't necessarily (and never would again) know everyone that he knows.  He was 5 years old and we were at the YMCA swim lessons.  He looked at me and said "Mom, I want to go say 'hi' to him." and he pointed at this life guard.  At first I looked at him, baffled, and asked him why.  He told me he was a teacher's helper and had played in class with him earlier.  I gave my son a smile and an okay.  He went right over and had a little conversation with this lifeguard, who remembered him and made him feel so special.  I don't remember the guy's name, but I'll always remember how special he made my boy feel and that very moment my boy had a life outside of mom. 

That first realization as a mother is always the hardest.  I wanted to cry and smile at the same time.  So proud of my little man, but so sad that as each day passed my little man was becoming a bigger man.  It goes by so quickly.  And so it goes with each of my sons.

Jadan is going into 6th grade.  As the middle child, he's in a "been there, done that" place.  It's not as hard to let him go, but I'm just as proud of all he is becoming.  He has a special gift.  No matter how bad your day is, no matter what goes wrong, this little boy can make you smile.  Between that and 'empathy' being his middle name - he is such an amazing genuine guy.

Last year Jadan had his first "crush".   As a 10 year old I fully expected my boys to get crushes soon... but maybe not like this and maybe not as soon.  Jadan would come home from school and daydream about her.  He would tell me stories about funny things she said or did.  He made me scared to think of what high school and real girlfriends would bring - but that's just my Jadan.  He becomes fully devoted and genuinely concerned about anything he cares about.  He admitted to me earlier today that this girl still crosses his mind and he doesn't know if he'll ever like anyone else, but thankfully (for this mama anyways) said girl has moved away.  Hopefully my sweet boy will get a little more mature before next crush comes along.  Only time will tell - his heart is beautiful.

Ethan, my littlest love, is going to 3rd grade this year.  He had a hard time this morning.  Not in a "I'm not going!" kind of way, but in a "tummy-hurts-I'm-so-nervous" way.  He is my fire-cracker.  High emotions, yet no fear.  Dennis the Menace with dark hair.  His day was fun as I expected.  He bounced off the bus and into my arms the same way he always has.  He has some old friends in his classroom and he made some new ones.  He loves his teacher.  Just what a mom wants to hear.  I'm happy for him.  He is my sweet baby baby boy. 

Sending your baby is as hard, if not worse, than sending your firstborn.  When the baby goes it's over.  It's not so much you're not needed anymore, as it's you're not wanted quite so much.   Not that I think my boys will ever not want me, but they are coming into their own independence.  Their own thoughts, their own struggles, their own joys.  I can't always be a part of that and I have to accept it and be steadfast and always there when it's important to be.  They can always count on me and they know it.

As the new school year starts I look forward to seeing how my mini men grow and change and learn.  I am so proud of all they are becoming.  I already see how amazing they are and know as they take these steps without me, others will see it too because that is who they are, not just what I'm raising them to be.

Going with the Flow

One thing I've learned in the past few months is that letting go can be painful, but fighting the pain and negativity is so much more painful than just releasing yourself to the flow of life. It's so silly that we humans continually fight the things we can not change.  It's easier said then done, but your life is your story to write and no one else can make your ending.

I remember being in labor the first time, the seemingly spine-shattering contractions that wreaked my body. I remember all my muscles tensing up to confront these pains that no one should ever feel. I struggled against the spasms that felt so much like death, even though I knew they would bring life. That was when it hit me. To breathe, to relax, to go with the flow of what was coming whether I was ready for it or not. My reaction to the contractions would not make them stop.  I could tense up and fight them or relax and let my body do what it was made to do.  A peace came over me and I felt the pain subsiding. It didn't disappear; it just now had a greater purpose, and as I consciously pictured in my mind the job my body was destined to do, the pain became manageable. It was there, but because I accepted it and relaxed into it, it was no longer so bad.  It was only pain, it had a purpose, and it would pass. 

I've been thinking a lot about destiny lately.  I do believe that our spirits have chosen a life path.  That everything in life has a purpose.  Lessons to learn.  That our spirits knew what knowledge we needed before we even came to live this human life.  Because of this I'm learning to let go and go with the flow.  I don't want to fight any more.  I want to accept my destiny and live my life to the fullest.  I want to relax and know that everything will fall into place, exactly as it was meant to be.  Life can throw some pretty strong labor contractions at us, but no matter how painful they get, if we look forward to the new life being created by them there is light at the end of the tunnel.  The lesson your spirit meant you to learn so that you will be a stronger, better person.  New.

Own the pain and accept it, when you avoid it you only delay the healing.

THE best boys

These are my 3 boys. 

Ethan is the youngest.  He shines with giggles and mischief.  He's all boy.  My little snuggle-bug.  My dare-devil.  No fear.  One look at his face, no matter what, and you'll feel happy.  There is no way around it.  He was made to make sure this mom smiles and feels that unconditional love every single day.  He's just simply beautiful. 

Christopher is the oldest.  He is my son-shine.  My first born.  The rock that is always there.  His grin and bear hugs are two of my favorite things.  I love his curiosity.  I love how important it is to him to be honorable.  He is exceptional.  He always works his hardest at what ever task he has to accomplish.  I'm so proud of the young man he is becoming.

Jadan is my middle child.  The glue that holds us all together.  He always has a joke or grand story to tell.  He loves learning new things about the outdoors.  It's amazing how much information he retains and how excited he can be to share it.  He just absorbs so much.  He is my cowboy.  I can always rely on him.  Even when he's upset or doesn't like what he has to do - he does the right thing.

These 3 are my most precious gifts.  I love them with all my heart and always will. 

Watching... From July 17, 2013

What is wrong with me?  Something must be, I mean why else would the man who is supposed to love me the most not want to be with me? 

He keeps saying he does, but actions speak louder than words.

The most ridiculous part of the whole thing is that here I am screaming - If you would just give me some time and attention I wouldn't care if you wanted to do your own thing too! 

I do NOT want to be single but committed.  I want committed and TOGETHER. 
If that's not what you want, I can't do it anymore.

If I have to do it all alone and be alone too I can handle that... but not while you're standing there watching. 

Integrity

What is integrity?  Ralph Waldo Emerson defined it as "Doing the right thing, even when no one is looking."  That sums it up for me.  I believe that you have integrity when you live honestly and truthfully.  It's when you know what is right in your core and you choose to follow it no matter what anyone else says or does.  It's being true to yourself, but doing no harm.

That is the main value I hope to instill in my children.  I want them to know in their very core things that are right compared to something that is wrong.  It's a gut feeling.  There are some things that are a matter of opinion, but then there are things that are just flat out wrong.  Guess what? - It's not judgmental to know those things are wrong and to live in a way that shows that.

My boys have their days, as we all do, when they can be unruly or annoying or just mean, but when you pull them aside, look into their eyes and ask them what's going on, they OWN their bad behavior.  We talk about it and make a plan to do better, to be better.  One of the biggest problems with society today is people not owning their decisions, people not taking responsibility for their actions, people blaming other when THEY did the wrong!  I refuse to allow that in my home.

I realized how I've been training them was really working after a recent trip to Wal-Mart.  Chris (12)  has 2 pet lizards.  When we got them we went to get a cage with a lid. Cages no longer come with lids.  You need to purchase a cage AND a lid.  We got what we needed and to fit in the cart with other things we set the lid on top of the cage and continue shopping.  At checkout we set the cage on the conveyor belt without even thinking about the lid.  Everything gets scanned, I go to pay and Chris says "Wait a minute, the lid didn't get scanned".  It was one of those so proud, but "shhhhh" type moments!  The cashier actually said "The cage doesn't come with a lid, that's ridiculous!" 

Bottom line: Do what's right, even when no one is looking; and even when it'd be easier to do the wrong thing.

One more thing I'd like to add more because I don't want to forget than anything:
Chris is a pretty good basketball player.  The kind of player that plays the WHOLE game.  He loves it.  While at one of his travel team tournaments, he was again in for the game.  The team had a time out the last quarter, only a few minutes left when Chris realized that one of his good friends hadn't been in to play at all.  The coach goes to send the kids back onto the court and Chris decides he's a little to tired to play and he'd like his friend to go in instead.  As before, one of those so proud, but "shhhhh" type moments.  I'm so proud  that my son knows winning isn't everything - it's more important to make someone feel good and to have fun.  It's a true friend that cares more about someone's feelings than being the star.