I wish I wasn't an emotional person.  I wish I could just maintain the truths I hear in my head and not deal with the annoying emotions that seem to crawl out - no matter how hard I try to talk them down. 

There is a constant battle of mind and heart inside me.  I wish I could turn it off or at least have some kind of control over them - I used to be able to hold it all in, be in control, or at least collapse in them in safety, on my own, when I chose.  Not anymore.  Now the pain and sadness creeps out of no where, without much help.  The urge to cry, to scream, to leave and abandon everything so that I can start fresh.  I just want the slate wiped clean. 

I feel weak - even when I know I'm being strong. 

I'm sick of feeling the constant contradictions inside me. 

I am stronger than my fears - yet they constantly seem to hold me back.  When I fight them and try my hardest to ignore or be more lenient awful anxieties overtake me, I'm surprised my entire body doesn't shake because it feels that way.  Like a drug withdrawal. 

It's hard to not care when all you want to do is care. 

When the one and only thing you want seems so far away and so hard to achieve...

 

Bite your Tongue

Bite your tongue, bite your tongue.
The words you're about to speak,
aren't the ones you want to say.
They aren't the ones you want to be heard.
Please bite your tongue.

That doesn't mean to hold it in.
That doesn't mean to surrender.
That doesn't mean to give up.

That means to be the big one.
To be strong enough to choose your action.
To be able to see the results you want and move towards them,
Not away, never away.

Think, pray, use the tools you were given.
The suffering you're going through now won't always be there,
but it will leave you stronger, wiser, and in a much more beautiful place.

 
 

My Challenge

I have a challenge:  In every situation, whether it's a fight with my husband, a show-down with a son, or deciding if I really want to eat another cupcake; I'm asking myself:

What is my goal?

Then fixed on my goal, I'll ask:

Is what I'm about to do going to lead me closer to or farther away from my goal?

If the answer to the above question is no - BRAKES!  STOP! 

I want to make a choice right then and there to change what I planned on doing to a new plan, a plan that will take me closer to my goal, not farther away.

This self reflection can help with any situation I'm dealt in life.  It might not be easy but it's worth it.  The decision to be better, to be happier, to be all I was meant to be is mine alone. 

I'm starting today, it can only make my life improve and that's my overall aim.

Purpose

The current purpose in my life is to be a better person today than I was yesterday.  To rise above negativity and view only the positive.  To become more patient and less judgmental.  To be more outgoing and open to try new things.  To find my true calling.

I am committed to my little family of five.  Each day I am blessed by the love and joy I feel radiating off of the crew of us.  (Some days there's a little less heat, but it's always there.)  I am a link off my extended family, separate, yet still linked.  The support they give me, gives me the confidence I need to continue moving forward, no matter how difficult the path.  I surround myself with the people I love, and those who love me.  I would drop anything when they need me and I am willing to do what needs to be done to make things right.

I know the world is a big place and all people are entitled to their own opinions, beliefs, and thoughts.  I will hold mine close to me, but never be so dedicated to them that I can not be open to change.  I will use hardships for growth and be thankful that they help to create a better me. 

I am stronger than my fears, but I will never be so weak I won't admit I have them.  I will conquer them because that is who I am.  I am intense and only see a difficult situation as a challenge not yet seized.

I am a work in progress - but I am growing into all I was born to be.

Tears

I wrote this in high school and found it today:

Tears
Sometimes tears can't be spoken,
The words get stuck inside.
I feel like nobody cares but,
It's not that they don't,
It's just they don't know.
It's hard sometimes when nobody listens.
Sometimes I feel so tense.
I need to let it all out.
My feelings get bottled up inside,
Pushed away.
There are so many problems,
Love and Life and Friends.
Life can be short.
Why rush?
The days go by,
So do the nights.
I need to let loose,
I'll just cry.

Thank You

As we walk into my sister's house we are greeted by my little smoosh with  a bigger grin than anything you could imagine.  On excited little legs he runs to each of us with a smile and a hug, complete with pats on the back and overflowing excitement.  Chattering indecipherable words trying to share all his joy.  Is there any other reason to be alive?

The water is freezing, but the sunlight reflecting on the cascading waterfall is to tempting.  The water sprays down on the boys as they wade slowly but determined into the cold water.  The giggling laughter from my children as they splash and play is contagious.  Seeing them so happy.  Is there any other reason to be alive?

E is on the trampoline.  "Look at this Mom!"  he calls.  I glance out the window as he back handsprings and lands feet planted! "I saw this on Star Wars" he says  "I thought I could do it."  As if its the most normal thing in the world to decide you can do handsprings and automatically you can.  His joy leads me to throw off my shoes and join him.  Soon C and J are there with us.  Impromptu "Simon Says".  We play for over an hour, laughing and just being.  Is there any other reason to be alive?

These are the moments that make my life worth living.  Despite any hardships in my life I'm more blessed than not.  More happy than sad.  Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.

 

 

Hmmmmm

I was taught from a young age that if you hurt someone you apologized and did your best to make them feel better again.  It didn't matter if the hurt was emotional or physical.  It didn't matter if it was an accident or on purpose.  You apologize and do your hardest to not let it happen again.  I think I made the mistake of assuming that most people understood this, that it was a basic step in human development - at the very least in the people I surround myself with. 

I think that's why is has been so hard for me in my marriage the last few months.  I have taken the time to step back from myself and reflect on the things I could've done that hurt him.  I have told him why I hurt and what hurt me.  I have asked him what I should do differently.  I have looked into our past habits and seen things we both needed to learn from and change.  I have made changes and I'm still trying to make more, not just for him, but for ME - to be a better person.  I do see changes in him - I need to give credit where credit is due and I really DO on occasion catch a glimpse of the man I love, slowly but surely more regularly - but the core change; that one where no matter how hard it is - no matter what you need to give up, you do for the person you love the most hasn't happened. 

I read somewhere that the happiness you have in your adult life reflects the happiness you learned as a child.  For example; say happiness = 100% but during your childhood it was very rare for you or your family to be at 100%, you usually were more of a 50% or 25%, then for the rest of your adult life that percentage is where you are comfortable being.  It's hard to move out of that comfort zone, even if it would be better for you. 

I'm not one to make excuses, ever.  Own your problem, especially if you created it.  But I can see how some of this would be harder for a person who was never taught it.  Where if I can function at 100% capacity for compassion and happiness it might not be that easy for him... however that leads us to the "no matter how hard it is" change.  I know it's baby steps and I don't want to give up quite yet - but its harder than I thought to move at a snail's pace when I'm set to jackrabbit speed.  I guess I need to slow down almost as much as he needs to learn to speed up....

Poor

A Buddhist Tale:

One day a very wealthy man took his son on a trip to the country to live a few days on a farm with a very poor family.  His goal: to teach his son a lesson about what it means to be poor.

Upon their return, the father asked his son, "So what did you learn about what it means to be poor?"

The son answered, " I learned that we have 1 dog.  They have 4.  We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden.  They have a creek with no end.  We have imported lanterns.  They have an abundance of stars at night.  We have a small piece of land to live on.  They have fields that go beyond sight.  We buy our food.  They grow theirs.  We have walls around our property.  They have friends to protect them."

The boys father was speechless.  The son looked at him and said, "You have shown me how poor WE truly are."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's all about perspective. 

Circles

Saturday afternoon I was in the middle of cleaning my tub when I heard screaming again.  (Side note: this is not an occasional thing, what I'm meaning to say is for the -100th time- and it's only lunchtime I heard screaming.)  I immediately tried to put in those "Mommy earplugs" hoping the kids could just work this out and leave me alone, but no.  It's never a true fight until we can completely bewilder mom and make her appear crazy.  When the fake tears and near death screams  reached an all time high, I finally went to see who was "crying wolf" and why.  Honest to God I can't remember what the fight was, probably someone was chewing to loudly ON PURPOSE or someone looked at someone funny or maybe someone ate more cookies than the other, who knows.  (Wouldn't it be nice to have those kind of problems be your only problems again?)  All I know is CIRCLE popped into my head.

A circle - has no beginning and no end - so do these incessant fights!  Okay, here we go boys.  We have all 3 of you constantly bickering and going back and forth about things that don't matter at all, sometimes things that are NONE of your business to begin with.  Each of you says "I'm only doing it to him because he does it to me!"  Who is going to be the big one and break the circle?  Please follow me - if C does this to J because J does it to C, or E does it to J because C did it to E - aren't you all in the wrong?  One of you has to make the decision to stop it or you'll just keep going in a circle!  One of you has to be the bigger one.  I certainly can't punish just one of you, so if you'd like to see someone else get disciplined, you'll have to step right up too.  Daddy always said "It takes 2 to tango".

Then something else clicked in me; here I am preaching to my kids about being the bigger one, about breaking the circle and being a better person - but they aren't going to listen if all I do it talk, I need to show it.  I need to be the example that will lead them to be better, lead them to break this negative circle.

I thought about all the issues I've been having in my own life the last few months and how hard it is to be the bigger one, to cut some slack especially when YOU know YOU'RE the "right" one.  I know we all feel that way.  Some argue better than others, some love conflicting discussions and debates, others avoid it at all costs - but no matter where you are in that spectrum - we all think we're "right".

So I guess I'm going to be trying to break my negative circle.  I have to remember to step away, take a deep breathe and think about my reaction before responding.  Yes, sometimes the person you're dealing with doesn't deserve that kind of response, but I'm going to be the bigger one.  I'm going to set an example for my boys and hope they learn to break those negative circles before the circle gets to nasty and wrong.

Quiet Prayers

This one might be a little hard to write.  I don't usually open up about things like this because they are so internal for me, I know how powerful joining your prayers with another can be - but this morning when one of my best friends in the entire world called to pray with me I felt like I had been tripped.  Now, don't get me wrong.  I'm not at all against prayer.  I grew up in it.  More bible studies and religious people then I can count.  Watching that, seeing how crazy or hypocritical some Christians can be, I decided I never wanted to be that way and unintentionally I tucked that part of myself deep inside, even the good parts.

I pray all the time, constantly throughout the day.  I speak words of blessings/healing/safety all over my family, my friends, my home. There are power in word.  I just never realized how hard it would be for me to share that with another person, to speak those words out-loud.  To show so much of my inner self.  To be "naked" of sorts. 

I chose a long time ago not to define myself by a religion.  To make sure I was never viewed as a hypocrite, never a "Sunday Christian".  I believe in God, I believe there is so much more to this life than what we see.  Spirituality is all around us and in everything.  My very favorite place to see God is in the sparkling eyes of a child.  You can hear God in their laughter.  They are so innocent, so full of the simple pleasures, so free.

When I pray it's more than words.  I usually visualize it.  I close my eyes and see what I'm asking for.  I surround my children in a "bubble of protection" and have every night since they were born.  But I find it is the hardest thing for me to let anyone besides my children hear me...  Maybe someday I'll learn how to share that quiet part of me.