Going with the Flow

One thing I've learned in the past few months is that letting go can be painful, but fighting the pain and negativity is so much more painful than just releasing yourself to the flow of life. It's so silly that we humans continually fight the things we can not change.  It's easier said then done, but your life is your story to write and no one else can make your ending.

I remember being in labor the first time, the seemingly spine-shattering contractions that wreaked my body. I remember all my muscles tensing up to confront these pains that no one should ever feel. I struggled against the spasms that felt so much like death, even though I knew they would bring life. That was when it hit me. To breathe, to relax, to go with the flow of what was coming whether I was ready for it or not. My reaction to the contractions would not make them stop.  I could tense up and fight them or relax and let my body do what it was made to do.  A peace came over me and I felt the pain subsiding. It didn't disappear; it just now had a greater purpose, and as I consciously pictured in my mind the job my body was destined to do, the pain became manageable. It was there, but because I accepted it and relaxed into it, it was no longer so bad.  It was only pain, it had a purpose, and it would pass. 

I've been thinking a lot about destiny lately.  I do believe that our spirits have chosen a life path.  That everything in life has a purpose.  Lessons to learn.  That our spirits knew what knowledge we needed before we even came to live this human life.  Because of this I'm learning to let go and go with the flow.  I don't want to fight any more.  I want to accept my destiny and live my life to the fullest.  I want to relax and know that everything will fall into place, exactly as it was meant to be.  Life can throw some pretty strong labor contractions at us, but no matter how painful they get, if we look forward to the new life being created by them there is light at the end of the tunnel.  The lesson your spirit meant you to learn so that you will be a stronger, better person.  New.

Own the pain and accept it, when you avoid it you only delay the healing.

THE best boys

These are my 3 boys. 

Ethan is the youngest.  He shines with giggles and mischief.  He's all boy.  My little snuggle-bug.  My dare-devil.  No fear.  One look at his face, no matter what, and you'll feel happy.  There is no way around it.  He was made to make sure this mom smiles and feels that unconditional love every single day.  He's just simply beautiful. 

Christopher is the oldest.  He is my son-shine.  My first born.  The rock that is always there.  His grin and bear hugs are two of my favorite things.  I love his curiosity.  I love how important it is to him to be honorable.  He is exceptional.  He always works his hardest at what ever task he has to accomplish.  I'm so proud of the young man he is becoming.

Jadan is my middle child.  The glue that holds us all together.  He always has a joke or grand story to tell.  He loves learning new things about the outdoors.  It's amazing how much information he retains and how excited he can be to share it.  He just absorbs so much.  He is my cowboy.  I can always rely on him.  Even when he's upset or doesn't like what he has to do - he does the right thing.

These 3 are my most precious gifts.  I love them with all my heart and always will. 

Watching... From July 17, 2013

What is wrong with me?  Something must be, I mean why else would the man who is supposed to love me the most not want to be with me? 

He keeps saying he does, but actions speak louder than words.

The most ridiculous part of the whole thing is that here I am screaming - If you would just give me some time and attention I wouldn't care if you wanted to do your own thing too! 

I do NOT want to be single but committed.  I want committed and TOGETHER. 
If that's not what you want, I can't do it anymore.

If I have to do it all alone and be alone too I can handle that... but not while you're standing there watching. 

Integrity

What is integrity?  Ralph Waldo Emerson defined it as "Doing the right thing, even when no one is looking."  That sums it up for me.  I believe that you have integrity when you live honestly and truthfully.  It's when you know what is right in your core and you choose to follow it no matter what anyone else says or does.  It's being true to yourself, but doing no harm.

That is the main value I hope to instill in my children.  I want them to know in their very core things that are right compared to something that is wrong.  It's a gut feeling.  There are some things that are a matter of opinion, but then there are things that are just flat out wrong.  Guess what? - It's not judgmental to know those things are wrong and to live in a way that shows that.

My boys have their days, as we all do, when they can be unruly or annoying or just mean, but when you pull them aside, look into their eyes and ask them what's going on, they OWN their bad behavior.  We talk about it and make a plan to do better, to be better.  One of the biggest problems with society today is people not owning their decisions, people not taking responsibility for their actions, people blaming other when THEY did the wrong!  I refuse to allow that in my home.

I realized how I've been training them was really working after a recent trip to Wal-Mart.  Chris (12)  has 2 pet lizards.  When we got them we went to get a cage with a lid. Cages no longer come with lids.  You need to purchase a cage AND a lid.  We got what we needed and to fit in the cart with other things we set the lid on top of the cage and continue shopping.  At checkout we set the cage on the conveyor belt without even thinking about the lid.  Everything gets scanned, I go to pay and Chris says "Wait a minute, the lid didn't get scanned".  It was one of those so proud, but "shhhhh" type moments!  The cashier actually said "The cage doesn't come with a lid, that's ridiculous!" 

Bottom line: Do what's right, even when no one is looking; and even when it'd be easier to do the wrong thing.

One more thing I'd like to add more because I don't want to forget than anything:
Chris is a pretty good basketball player.  The kind of player that plays the WHOLE game.  He loves it.  While at one of his travel team tournaments, he was again in for the game.  The team had a time out the last quarter, only a few minutes left when Chris realized that one of his good friends hadn't been in to play at all.  The coach goes to send the kids back onto the court and Chris decides he's a little to tired to play and he'd like his friend to go in instead.  As before, one of those so proud, but "shhhhh" type moments.  I'm so proud  that my son knows winning isn't everything - it's more important to make someone feel good and to have fun.  It's a true friend that cares more about someone's feelings than being the star.

To my sons -

I am so proud of the men you are becoming. As you mature and become all you're meant to be here are some things I would like you to remember. I know as you grow you will learn your own lessons, but these are important things that I have learned and I want to pass on to you.  I'm sure there will be more to add as the years go on, but for now, here they are.

________________________________________

In no particular order:

What you do when no one can see you defines the kind of person you are.

You will never know a stronger pull than that of your friends trying to get you to participate in something you don't feel comfortable with. Resisting makes you a man. Succumbing makes you a coward.

Pay attention and always trust your instincts. Follow your gut!

Keep your hands to yourself unless you are defending yourself. NEVER throw the first punch. The strongest man is the one that has self-control and knows when it’s right to walk away and when they should stand up and fight.

Even if you "win" cheating – you didn’t REALLY win.

There will always be winners and losers in life. Sometimes you will be the loser - don't dwell on it, learn from it!

Always treat a girl like you’d want your mom/sister/daughter treated.

If you can’t be open and honest in a relationship it is a RED flag!

Never betray trust.

Always tell the truth.

If you feel you have to lie about it later, you probably shouldn’t do it in the first place.

Clean up after yourself – it’s no one else’s responsibility.

Say "please" and "thank you".

Surround yourself with people who build you up, not those that pull you down.

Be yourself. If you have to hid who you are, or pretend you're something you are not - you are only harming yourself and are in the wrong place with the wrong people.

You can be an example to others - sometimes it’s hard to do what is right, but when you stand up for what you believe in you will feel amazing about yourself and others may follow your lead.

Open doors and give up your seat when necessary.

The Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have done unto you. Only treat other people the way you’d want to be treated. EMPATHY.

Admit when you are wrong.

Being a man means being responsible – even when you don’t want to be. You can’t always do whatever you want whenever you want, especially when you have others counting on you.

Betrayal in a relationship means doing anything you wouldn’t do in front of your partner – not just sex. If you can't tell your partner about it, you probably shouldn't do it, OR you shouldn't be with them.

Be thankful – be mindful of the things you are provided with and given.

The first shall be last. True manhood puts others first.

Actually being a man is more important than "talking" like one.

Always do your best, even when it's not something you're fond of doing.

Have confidence in yourself and your abilities. You were born to be amazing, and you just keep getting better!

Hard times teach you lessons and you become a better person as you work through them.

When you really care about something, don't be afraid to put your all into it.

Be slow to anger. Take the time to take a few deep breathes, before reacting.
Your reaction to whatever happens to you, both good and bad, can make all the difference in the world.

Things are seldom as awful as they seem at first.

Never take advantage of the kindness of others.

It's always give and take, not just take.

Actions speak louder than words, but it's also nice to hear "I love you".

Time goes by quickly, so make memories and spend time with those you love when ever you can. "This to shall pass"; the bad AND the good.

Money isn't everything!  It is nice, and it can make life easier, but remember it's down low on the list of what makes life great!  

If you think you're to small to make a difference remember what it's like to trying to sleep with a mosquito in your bedroom!  (Paraphrased from Dalai Lama XIV)

Emotions are a tricky thing. Be aware of the confusion they are bound to cause. Many times in your life you will find yourself torn between emotions and intelligence. 

Patience! Patience! Patience!

When you close your eyes each night tell God "Thank you" for all you have and when you wake up each morning ask Him to bless your day and help you be the best you possible.

The Serenity Prayer: God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I can not change, Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference.

I needed to add the below agreements. They have changed my life, and I hope that you will also accept them as your own. The agreements may be hard to live by when you start, but it does get easier, and living by them will help you be able to release so much of the negativity of this world we live in and be the best person you can be.  

________________________________________

It is my goal to raise you to be confident, capable, adults who don't settle for the mediocre world we live in. It is my goal to give you all the tools I can so when you go out into the world you will not need me. I will be there, always, to revel in each of your accomplishments, but you were meant to soar and I know I can't always hold your hand.

I love you my Son-shines , my knights, my baby boys,
~Mom

He's Growing Up

Last week my first baby went away on a week long camping trip with one of my best friends.  It was hard for me to let him go.  At first I was trying to think of any silly, stupid reason to say "no"... but then I realized it was ME and not him that wasn't ready for this.  He's almost 13.  He's thoughtful and kind.  He knows right from wrong and he really cares.  He's a good kid.  He'll be okay without me, maybe even more than okay.  With remorse and amusement I realized it was time to start nudging him slowly out of the nest.  (How did so many years pass so quickly?)

Now, anyone that knows me knows this doesn't mean what it might to some.  Humans are blessed with more than a season to kick their little chicks out of the nest.  I'm thankful for that.  For me, it just means that it's time for him to be given some more responsibilities, to have a few more privileges, to be able to mature at a rate that I may not be ready for.  It means he still needs me, but not quite so much, and as hard as that might be for me, I need to let him start practicing his flying techniques... slowly of course, but flying all the same.

At least he'll always be my Son-Shine!

Give and Take

I gave you my all and by giving you my all I gave up so much of myself.  I didn't do it intentionally, it was just that I loved you enough to put you first.  Even when it was hard, even when it wasn't something I wanted to do - all for you.  I won't say it was easy or that I never bitched about it, but it's true I let you do pretty much whatever you wanted to do.

I allowed it because despite it all I still had the twinkle in your eye.  You wanted me.  You made me feel special and loved.  You spent time with me and held me.  I knew I was your #1.  No, you weren't perfect (neither was I), you could've done better (can't everyone) but at the core there was us, so no matter what I had that to fall back on.  Then you took that away.

When you took that away you crushed me.  It left me wondering what was holding us together.  Instead of being there, giving me your time and attention and making me feel special again - so that core of us could return - you turned your back and just want me to pretend nothing happened and go back to the way things were.

How can I go back to that?  I can't do it - I can't be the giver and never receive anything.

If you blindside someone and completely destroy all they thought was true - when you truly love them you do what it takes to prove it's true again.  But you disagree, you think that I am the only one that feels this is right.  Why? 

I don't want to change you.  I love you.  What I want is for you to make better decisions and be considerate of me and my feelings.  I want you to care.  It wasn't all that long ago you did.

I can let things go, but you kind of have to too.  It's a give and a take, not just a take.

I wish I wasn't an emotional person.  I wish I could just maintain the truths I hear in my head and not deal with the annoying emotions that seem to crawl out - no matter how hard I try to talk them down. 

There is a constant battle of mind and heart inside me.  I wish I could turn it off or at least have some kind of control over them - I used to be able to hold it all in, be in control, or at least collapse in them in safety, on my own, when I chose.  Not anymore.  Now the pain and sadness creeps out of no where, without much help.  The urge to cry, to scream, to leave and abandon everything so that I can start fresh.  I just want the slate wiped clean. 

I feel weak - even when I know I'm being strong. 

I'm sick of feeling the constant contradictions inside me. 

I am stronger than my fears - yet they constantly seem to hold me back.  When I fight them and try my hardest to ignore or be more lenient awful anxieties overtake me, I'm surprised my entire body doesn't shake because it feels that way.  Like a drug withdrawal. 

It's hard to not care when all you want to do is care. 

When the one and only thing you want seems so far away and so hard to achieve...

 

Bite your Tongue

Bite your tongue, bite your tongue.
The words you're about to speak,
aren't the ones you want to say.
They aren't the ones you want to be heard.
Please bite your tongue.

That doesn't mean to hold it in.
That doesn't mean to surrender.
That doesn't mean to give up.

That means to be the big one.
To be strong enough to choose your action.
To be able to see the results you want and move towards them,
Not away, never away.

Think, pray, use the tools you were given.
The suffering you're going through now won't always be there,
but it will leave you stronger, wiser, and in a much more beautiful place.

 
 

My Challenge

I have a challenge:  In every situation, whether it's a fight with my husband, a show-down with a son, or deciding if I really want to eat another cupcake; I'm asking myself:

What is my goal?

Then fixed on my goal, I'll ask:

Is what I'm about to do going to lead me closer to or farther away from my goal?

If the answer to the above question is no - BRAKES!  STOP! 

I want to make a choice right then and there to change what I planned on doing to a new plan, a plan that will take me closer to my goal, not farther away.

This self reflection can help with any situation I'm dealt in life.  It might not be easy but it's worth it.  The decision to be better, to be happier, to be all I was meant to be is mine alone. 

I'm starting today, it can only make my life improve and that's my overall aim.