Mom doesn't equal Maid

This is because I am starting to feel like a maid, and I am not one. I am happy to keep things running smoothly and do things for people, but I feel you are all starting to take advantage. Since everyone in this house is past the age of diaper changes, here are some new rules that, as responsible, strong, well-educated people, like those living in this house, should be able to handle.

1. LAUNDRY:
   All dirty clothes need to be placed in the hamper in your room if you want them washed. No clothing should be balled-up or inside-out (e.g. underwear or shorts intricately entwined in your pants - NOT OKAY!) If you can't handle this rule, you will be in charge of your own laundry washing/dying. If you happen to notice clean laundry folded in the livingroom, please put it away as soon as it is noticed! I should not have to remind you to put away your own things; especially when I have already cleaned, dried, folded, and separated it into each individual's own pile in an effort to make each of your lives easier! If you think that this isn't a lot of work, please feel free to do it all on your own. If clean laundry isn't promptly put away, you will do it all!
2. LIVINGROOM:
   If you open a reclining chair, close it when you get up! If you throw pillows on the floor to make room for yourself, pick them up when you are done in the room! If you use a blanket, fold it and put it away when you are done with it... none of these actions are difficult! Small room = looks dirty easily. Please help me to keep our home looking good!
3. DISHES:
   After using any dishes/bowls/cups you are to rinse them out and set them on the counter to the right of the sink or in the dishwasher. When rinsing, you are not allowed to rinse directly into the bowl that I keep in the sink with soapy water for soaking silverware. I'm sure you can all handle dumping the rinse water to the side of the bowl, instead of into it. Speaking of which, the only thing allowed in the sink is this bowl with soapy water with any other silverware you have used placed in it. No more dishes on top of dishes in a huge pile, with who knows what sticking to them and smelly. If that is to continue you will each be in charge of washing your own dishes dishes as soon as you are done using them!
4. RECYCLABLES (bottles, cans, boxes, etc):
   There are only 2 places recyclables belong - in the blue bin or in the can return bag. Both of these are in the garage. Recyclables do NOT belong in or by the kitchen sink, they do NOT belong on the counter or by the garage door and they do NOT belong in the trash. They are recyclable, not garbage and only belong in one of the 2 places listed above EACH and every time you have one, not occasionally. EVERY FREAKING TIME!
5. BATHROOM:
   A) If you pee on the toilet seat wipe it up, if you pee ANYWHERE other than the giant hole filled with water, WIPE IT UP!
   B) If you cut/shave/brush your hair  - CLEAN IT UP! All of it! You are responsible for each and every little strand! This probably means wiping down the entire sink and vanity, including the lifting of items on the vanity, because I'm sure your hair is under and between it all.
   C) When you brush your teeth make sure all your spit/phlegm/grossness and toothpaste is rinsed down the drain. If it doesn't easily rinse down the sink, it is your job to wipe it out of the sink... DUH! Toothpaste and toothbrushes should always be put back in the drawer when you are done with them, and the drawer should be CLOSED. This is to prevent all those nasty bathroom germs away from and off of the items we put in our mouths multiple times a day. Rocket science!
   D) After a shower make sure the plug is pushed down after, so that the next person to take a shower doesn't get soaked by an automatic shower as soon as the water is turned on. Clean any hairs out of the drain filter and rinse any dirt or bubbles down the drain when you are done.
   E) If you clip your nails you also must remove the clipping from the vanity, sink, floor... actually, remove them from absolutely everywhere they may land, except the trash can, which is pretty close to where the clippers are kept so it shouldn't be all that difficult.
6. ANIMALS:
   Make sure all animals are fed and watered daily. If you make a mess in the process of doing this you need to clean up the mess you made. They are unable to take care of any of this on their own and we are responsible to make sure they have what they need every day. Just because you took care of your animals doesn't mean someone else should be taking care of your mess. (e.g. cat food overflowed to the floor or a trail of water from refilling water bowls.)
7. SNOW STUFF/SUMMER STUFF:
   A) WINTER: There are 2 containers in the kitchen. The bag holds little things like gloves and hats, the basket holds big things like snow-pants and coats. When you go out do not tear apart this system, leaving the mess for me to clean up. Find your stuff, put back what you don't need, and move on. When you come inside from the snow put anything that is damp/wet in a pile for the dryer, and put anything still dry in the storage container it belongs in.
   B) SPRING/SUMMER/FALL: Flip-flops, sneakers, peeled off socks, wet towels, toys, yard tools - all have a spot to go in! This 'spot' isn't littered all over the yard and house. Socks do not belong balled up and lingering on the trampoline, or in the yard, or by the backdoor. Then I hear complaints of "I don't have any socks", you are the reason for this and I will not buy new ones. Wet towels should be hung on the deck. All toys/balls/etc. should be put in the tote on the deck when you are done with them. Yard tools (shovels, rakes, etc) should be put in garage or at least brought up to the door and leaned against the house. Absolutely none of these things should be left all over the yard, creating a mad rush to clean up when it is time to mow the lawn.

We have a small house and one mess can easily make it look disastrous! Please do your part to keep our home clean and comfortable. When we take care of the little things as they happen, it means no one will have to spend hours cleaning up a huge mess of multiple little messes all piled on top of each other.

End rant... for now. :p

Memories may leak out, but be grateful for them.

I cried for you today,
Wishing I could take away the pain I know you're feeling.

Wondering why suffering
Seems so necessary in this world,
And why, you'd have to carry this burden.

I don't get it.
I don't have the answers,
I wish I did.

I do know that you are beautiful.

I don't mean that in a shallow, physical sense, though you are that too.

What I mean is that when I look at you I see a light shinning.

A sparkle that will not dull, because
You are strong and will not allow it.

You have a strength that many do not achieve in  lifetime.

Though you have endured so much in your life,
You have handled it with admirable grace.

That's not to say you haven't had your moments of broken down disaster.
But through them you have adjusted and rose above.

There are lessons to be learned in everything.

Our souls know that, even when our humanness attempts to disagree.
That's the reason for all the conflict.
All the struggle.

I want you to know that I understand.
I am a listening ear.
I won't be able to take away your pain, but
I will be a solid friend that can help you withstand the ache.

I can tell you that with experience it will not go away.
It never does.
A piece is now missing from you, that can never be replaced.
However, I can also tell you that it does get easier.

Memories may leak out, but be grateful for them.

Live each day to the fullest, being the best person you can be.
Know that they are proud of you accomplishments and still obtain significant joy from you.

When someone leaves this earthly world, they are only gone in the human sense.
I know it's not the same, but it is the truth.
Always with us, though in reality that may bring little comfort in our mortal state.

You are here because the world needs your wisdom and strength.
Be proud of that.
Blessings and joy will always outweigh the troubles of the world.
Always look for them.
Know that you are loved beyond infinite measure.
Find sanctuary in that.
Peace.

Ideas

I haven't written in a few days, and while I'm feeling withdrawals, I'm also feeling overwhelmed. There seems to be to much in my head lately. It's harder to concentrate and I don't really know where to start.

1) Write about my experiences. Therapeutic for me and may be helpful to others.
2) Stories from my childhood. These might be a little embellished, but is that me or the child remembering it?
3) My Druid story
4) My "magical" brothers story
5) My historical story
6) My "death/reincarnation" story

Each and every one of these ideas have something written, something started. Some more than others, some are scraps of paper from multiple notebooks torn from pages in an effort to consolidate. Some need research, some are screaming from my mind as I try to sleep, and some come to me as I'm driving my car. See the destiny for me to write is there. The stories want to be put down on the page. It's just a matter of organizing my thoughts enough to get them there.

"You are loved and you are not alone".

2/13/2016

You are a soul with a body, not a body with a soul.

Human, yet spirit.

As I laid in bed last night, I couldn't help but think of my loved ones and friends who have lost someone recently. One lived long, and passed away as expected. The other, only half the time, and completely unexpectedly. Neither situation takes away the pain of the other. Both feel a loss, both grieve. Though I knew neither of these people very well, I feel myself tearing up as I think of the people they've left behind. My tears are shed for them.

In my soul, I know that this is not supposed to be an unhappy time - but my human mind will not allow me to fully comprehend this. I know their spirit lives on. I know the deceased no longer feels their earthly troubles. It is us, those left behind that feel the pain.

I believe our souls understand this, but in our humanness we selfishly set that aside, and wish they were with us still. We want more. Our souls know we'll meet again, but it will never be the same again.

It's a time like this when we must realize the importance of living in the "now". Using our time wisely, making memories with those we love, and living each day fully. We never know how much time we have left in this life.

Memories may bring tears, but they also bring smiles. There is no magic cure from grief. It can come and go as if it has a life all it's own. Years can pass, yet still, out of the blue, the sorrow will come. I've learned to use these pangs - I feel they are sent as a reminder. Where I used to let them weigh me down, now like to think of them as a hug, or at least recognition that my loved one still exists.

I use those moments to catch my breath. To focus on what really matters. To thank God for the life I have been given and the memories I have. I use those moments to remember.

Time may ease the pain of loss a little, but it will never fully go away. When you are close to someone who passes  a piece of you goes with them. I want to recognize this. Instead of saying "I'm sorry for your loss", I want to acknowledge your pain and say; "You are loved and you are not alone".

Gibberish

I'm scatter-brained. You see, I go about my day and literally come up with idea after idea, thought after thought, story after story. Then I sit here and... forget it all.  It's as if by brain decides to meditate even though whenever I do actually try to meditate there's a circus in my head instead. Wonderful...

Anyway, if this is going to turn into a gibberish piece I might as well gibber away...

I turned the heat down, Sean turned the heat up, and now I feel like I'm at the beach even though it is snowing outside. In fact, I am so hot, I am tempted to run out into the snow to make a snow angel and cool down. Will I really do this? No. I will not, I hate the snow. But it is nice to think of how cooling that would be... never mind. I lied. It would not be cooling. It would be freezing and I would probably die. Frostbite and the whole nine yards, I'm sure of it. I think I'll just take off my sweater instead.  Is it possible to be to hot yet still get goosebumps on your arms?  It is, because I do.  Hot with a chill, just wonderful. No, it's not menopause. It's I hate fans blowing on me. I am not a fan of anything blowing on me.

Now I am wondering why my stomach is growling even though I ate a late dinner, and ate more than I should have. Yeah - literally my stomach hurts with a hunger.  I'm going to ignore it and try to sleep...

Also, I would write more, but now I'm ticked off, because instead of moving a dog over my husband tries to keep the dog all cozy and comfortable, instead moving all into my space - pulling my covers off and knocking my computer over - even though I am obviously a human in the middle of doing something, not an animal that can easily be moved. Shows how messed up my life is...

3

Lately I've been thinking a lot about my 3 boys. They are growing into such incredible young men. All 3 of them work so hard to be the best they can be.  Their grades are good, their sports are good, who they are is good.  I'm so proud that they know who they are and focus on being true to themselves. It takes most people well into adulthood to learn that.

Chris has such a kind and gentle heart.  I love that he can think things through, far better than most his age.  He knows what he wants in life and works his hardest to achieve that. Over the past couple years he's learned some valuable lessons, worked through and rose above. He amazes me.

Jadan is Mr. Sarcasm, a trait I'm not so sure if I'm happy to pass down.  He is the one that can see both sides usually. Facts speak volumes to him, and he sees things as they are. He doesn't sugar-coat much.  Again, it's a strength and a weakness we both share. He is a strategist and planner. Check, check, check.

Ethan is my sweet baby.  He is filled with so much love and sense of adventure.  He is the epitome of "I wish I could bottle that energy".  So many emotions and movements in one little body. He is work, but the joy of him outweighs that tenfold.  Light shines from him. I don't think it's possible  to look at him without smiling.

Ever since they were little I have tried my hardest to teach them to think for themselves. I'm not perfect, I don't have all the answers, and I don't ever want them to simply believe something because I said it's true. I love to have full conversations and discussions with them. If they ask me a question I've always tended to throw it back to them with a "Well, what do you think the answer is?" They would respond, I'd share my thoughts or what I knew about it, and we would talk. This helped them to learn that they can think, that most answers are right inside them, that they have the power to solve problems successfully on their own.

This means I may disagree with them sometimes, but that's okay. They are allowed to ask why, they are allowed to share some details with me that may change my mind. I respect them enough to know that just because I want or know something, doesn't mean they do or should. When I show them respect, I am teaching them what respect is and they respect me in return. Respect can't be expected when it isn't given.

I also realized a long time ago, that if you punish a child for telling the truth you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of lies with them. When you are open and honest; punishment shouldn't be necessary, because cause and effect is real. There are natural consequences for every action. I like to let them play out. That's the real world.

These boys know what unconditional love is. They know that no matter what I will be there. I know that's why they are the great kids they are today. They have been raised in a way that truth is one of the most important attributes. They live that. As different as they each are, all 3 are filled with integrity and know right from wrong. Actions, not just words make them stand out.

I am so proud of who they are and the glimpses I catch of who they are going to be as grown men. Changing every day, yet sure of who they are inside. That's always been my goal, when you know who you are inside and are confident in that, you can't help but share that with the world. I wish I was more like them when I was their ages. My loves, my joys, my treasures. Continue to be all you are meant to be. I am blessed.

Confession to Myself

I am a highly sensitive person. Because of this I find myself drawing inward often, because of this, at times, I may seem  uncaring or arrogant or brash. Maybe even a bit of a know-it-all. I don't mean to be any of these things. 

It's harder for me to articulate or think on the spot with people who don't really know me (part of why I've always loved writing). It's difficult for me to strike up a conversation with people, simple silly things like "How's the weather?" or "Did you have a nice weekend?" just seem so impersonal and cliche. I'd rather learn your favorite childhood memory or how the sunset made you feel or if you had any dreams last night.  Real things. Soul things.

I usually keep myself pretty closed off from people. It takes time and patience if you want to get close.  I can't help that - I don't need a bunch of friends, I need genuine people. I can smell fake from miles away and tend to stay miles away. I don't hold grudges, but I learn to steer clear from what will only add unnecessary stress or, as I affectionately call it, "the chameleon conundrum". Those who are exactly what they think you want them to be, but never true to themselves, thus not worth my time. Learn to love yourself and be yourself!

Occasionally I will get a sense of deja vu or be drawn to someone - these are people that I click with instantly. Soul sisters mostly - few and far between but those I feel I knew before. They are who I feel best with. Everything is all out on the table. There are no stereotypes to live up to or problems I have to fix or ideals that I need to remain encompassed in or secrets kept - only truth. 

I may be tough to swallow for most. I do not play games and have no desire to do so. However, if you force me to play my hand, it's always strong and backed by truth. Sorry if that sounds conceited, but I do my research, sometimes to much, AND I'll admit it when I'm wrong, I'd say that's a fair opponent - but I'll probably win, so it's pointless. ;p

If I let you in, I'm giving you trust and respect. I expect the same. If I find someone unworthy of that due to their actions, it's hard for me to give it back again. Repeat behavior simply gives me more reason to build up a wall. When something happens time and time again it's time to step away. Forgiven doesn't mean to forget and allow to happen again. People to often overlook that.

I probably get agitated or annoyed to much. It's hard juggling so much, every day.  If I roll my eyes and sigh loudly - it's because whatever you asked or did, I probably didn't need to be a part of it.  It's never ever, ever that I don't want to be there for you when you really need me, but once you reach a certain age, a person should be able to handle certain things without my help. I can't do it all!

I know I don't always talk respectfully. There is no excuse for that. I'm tired and worn out and sick of the same-old,same-old that is constant in my life right now. I have no "partner", it is me alone to balance it all. Speaking in a disrespectful tone is still wrong though.  No matter what the reason, no one should ever be made to feel small, even when they cause others to feel small. Two wrongs never make a right.

I am not perfect. I do not pretend to be. Growing, learning, changing, daily.

A work in progress and that's okay, we really all are.

Asleep or Awake Reality or Dream

I'm sitting here questioning if I should publish this post.  Am I going to offend any of my dear friends?  Are people going to think I've gone off my rocker?  The truth is everyone is not ready to hear all this.  The truth is; if this offends you, makes you mad, or changes the way you look at me; then maybe it's time for you to look deeper in yourself.  The truth is you're allowed to feel however you want about this post and about me.  I can't change it.  All I can do is be me.  To be honest, I welcome all discussions/opinions/thoughts.  I wrote what's in me and you are welcome to feel however you do about it.
__________________________________________________________________

Asleep or Awake
Reality or Dream

When I was a child I remember being  told that God was all-knowing, and even though we had free will to do as we chose, God always knew the choice we'd make.  To me the image of myself standing in the middle of a doll house immediately came to my mind.  I saw God, as I would be when playing with my dolls. This vision stuck with me through the years and so did the sense of it being ludicrous. I remember thinking - "What's the point of being God if all you do all day is figure out what you want your dolls to do?"  I also remember thinking "What is free-will? Because if God already know exactly what I'm going to end up doing, it doesn't sound like I'll have many real choices..."

That was from the mind of eleven year old me.
Yes. I have always needed to know more, and I never take someone's word for anything, never have.

Another time someone told me that to get to heaven all I had to do was believe in the "One True Christian God".  I think I kind of shocked them when I replied "Almost all religions say they have the One True God, and how do you know they are wrong if they are as adamant in their rightness as you are?"  I had recently studied up on the major world religions and couldn't believe the similarities; despite the different terms. (Here I was maybe 15.)

I don't believe any of the above really matters in the proportion that humans put on it.  I truly believe that our, yes everyone's, soul really already knows this.  I have seen what happens when someone begins to look inward.  I have listened intently as I've prayed/blessed/surrounded myself/family/friends with the Holy Spirit.
I will say here that I do believe in God - I believe in prayers - I believe in kindness and truth.
I'll also say that I believe that religions have it wrong.
Religion equals division, where God wants us joined.
Separation NEVER works.

When my grandmother passed away over 3 years ago, someone said to me that I should get my kids to church.  That Granny would be so happy to see them there.  Without even thinking, and not even knowing it was coming, I stated "No, now that she's spirit, not physical, she knows it doesn't matter as much." I have to say that I was a little shocked to hear this, even as I spoke it.  It opened my eyes a little more to listening and feeling what was around me.

The statement I made caused me rethink my beliefs.  It made me delve into more.  
I had to find answers.  I looked within.
As I questioned and researched and listened - I really began to realize all the indoctrination that happens to everyone, without our even knowing it.  From the day we're born things are expected of us.  We are raised to think a certain way, to believe a certain way, to expect certain things from those around us.  Let me be clear here - no one is doing anything wrong, just doing what we as humans have 'known' to do.

This indoctrination is a form of 'brainwashing' that we don't even realize is happening.  It's very real though.  Just think of all the adults sitting in church simply because they've been going since they were children.  Just think of all the people living to "keep up with the Jones" no matter how unhappy they are in reality.

My children and I have had many discussions about "God".  I have always asked them how they thought or felt about everything.  I wanted them to know from the very beginning that they do know the answers.  God already gave them to us, all we need to do is listen.  To say I have great children is an understatement.  They amaze me every day.  When I say "Whoa, take a step back and rethink this before you move forward."  They do, as upset as the reminder may make them to start with. I have raised them to be the movers and shakers our world needs.

It takes a strong mind to question everything - and ignorance truly is bliss.  My hope is that everyone who reads this, agreeing with me or not, will look a little deeper within and find what's truly real and what is an illusion. Asleep or awake; Reality or dream... where are you?

Disclaimer: I am only a truth-seeker NOT one who claims to know it all or wants everyone to be like me or agree with me.  Find your own truth.  Find yourself.  Be happy.  Break through the illusions in your life and be real.  Open eyes bring with them an open heart and true peace.  That's all I want for everyone.

Breathe

I realized today that I catch myself holding my breath A LOT.

Teeth clench.

Almost in a trance.

Functioning fully, yet some where else completely.

Odd.

A little nerve wracking - okay maybe a little more than a little.

I seem to get sucked into my thoughts.

And to be honest, I've had A LOT to think about lately.

No anger.

No malice.

Just some big 'ol deep thoughts.

I find myself talking myself down.

"Take a deep breathe now, sweet stuff"

"This to shall pass"

"Will this matter tomorrow... next week... next year..."

"Let it go"

As I've said a million times emotions,

All that "feelings" mumbo jumbo, 

can try all they want to take over my conscientiousness -

but they never succeed.

Mind over matter.

Pure, simple truth.

Even.

If.

It's.

Scary.

Even if I don't want to believe it. 

Because I know that in the grande scheme of things, everything,

Literally everything,

Is meant to happen for a reason.

Our spirit knows exactly what that is,

And will never steer us wrong.

I have personally grown in leaps and bounds in the past few years.

I know it's worth it.

It's hard to remember all that sometimes though.

So hard to always remember.

That's okay, I promise!
It's the "human" curse. 

Try as we might,

It's inescapable.

So instead of fighting,

Fully release it.

Let it go.

Always realizing;

THIS TO SHALL PASS - the good AND the bad.

And the lesson will be learned even if it's months down the road.

Just remember to breathe through it all.

We got this.

A Whispered Calling

As the snow fell softly and soundlessly from the sky she stared up at the full moon.  Gorgeous.  Pure.  For some reason she did not know, but longed to understand, the moon called to her.  The pull was strongest when the moon was full; though each night she found herself stealing glimpses of the sky.  Joy filling her heart whenever she saw it.  A sighting would cause a peace to flow through her; calmness touching her very soul.  A distant memory flitting her thoughts that she couldn't fully remember.  Was it strange she thought, to yearn for a permanent place like this?  Away from the commotions of modern life.

For a few short seconds she seemed to be taken back.  She saw, but at the same time felt as if she were, a young girl standing on a small mountain looking out over the vast lands before her.  It was that odd time of day - the cusp between morning and night.  The sun rising, yet the moon shinning.  Down below her a small cottage lay, smoke puffing from the chimney.  The sunlight just starting to creep up the yard, but just before it could rise she was snapped back to reality.

A dog pawed at the door.  A child called out for "Mom".  The buzzer on the dryer went off.  Reality.  So much to do, but rarely time to do it all.  The daydream was over, yet the thoughts of the girl on the mountain clung to her.  She would visit the daydream again and learn more.

TO BE CONTINUED...